CHILLS!

It's been awhile since I've posted, which to me is a good sign that I'm healing.  Recently Josh gave us yet another sign that he is certainly here with us and I just had to share this one.

We went on our beach trip in July - a week which I refer to as a "change of venue" as the beach with young kids isn't exactly relaxing. Our week was great - lots of quality family time both on and off the beach. Where we vacation there is a military base close by so frequently there are military helicopters doing training exercises up and down the coast. The kids (and me too!) get a kick out of watching them. We saw 3 rainbows that week - a sure sign Josh was there too as since he died we have seen rainbows every time we are there. The beach has always been special to our family and after Josh passed away we started the tradition of bottling up some sand and ocean water and each of us bringing back a shell for him. We then visit his grave and sprinkle the sand and water and place the shells around his gravestone. It's our way of including him in our vacation.

So this year it took us a couple weeks to make a trip to his grave after we returned from the beach. After we placed the shells and spread the sand and water we take turns either saying a prayer or whatever comes to mind. I told Josh we missed him at the beach but know he was there in spirit because of the rainbows we saw. Leah immediately chimes in and says, "And the helicopters!". We laughed because what she said was so random and weird.

Then, as we are going to get in the car to leave a military helicopter flies directly overhead across the sky. CHILLS! It was very similar to the type we saw at the beach and flew over within a minute of Leah mentioning it. And it's not like we get military choppers flying around here too often. I knew it was a sign from Josh that he hears us and is with us. And funny that those helicopters were symbolic for Leah and I would have never thought of that until we got that sign.

These signs are what keep me going - knowing that I simply have to be patient to be with my child again but that it WILL happen. I am so thankful!

So, for those who have suffered loss - look around. Your loved ones will show you they are with you if you open your heart and mind to it. And keep em coming Josh!

3rd Heavenly Birthday

Happy Birthday to my angel in heaven. Mommy loves you and misses you so much Josh! You have blessed my life in more ways than I can count. I continue to see the signs that you are here with us - from the small yellow butterfly that flew over to us during our family photo shoot on a 42 degree chilly morning last November to the rainbow over our house last week after storms and tornado warnings. I am so thankful that you give me tangible signs as they help keep me going.

Your siblings continue to talk about you on an almost daily basis - they love you so much! Your picture is still on our refrigerator and the background on my phone. I almost always wear one of my "Josh" necklaces as another reminder of you. However even if I didn't have those I'd be fine because you are very much alive and present in my heart and mind. Even though I only had you in my arms for 3 1/2 months, you are part of me and our family forever. Nothing will ever change that.

It's so hard to believe that 3 years ago you were born. I remember the excitement of that day and thought that you completed our family. Well, even though Anna has joined our family since then, I still think you have completed us. You are like this glue that binds us all together. You have touched my life in ways I can't even articulate and we are all so proud to have you in our family. Not many people can make such a difference in 3 months on earth but you sure did. I love you so much and can't wait to see you again. Happy Birthday my sweet boy.

First and Last Breaths

A new year dawned today. It's been quite awhile since my last post - 2015 was a challenging year. We adopted Anna - although a truly amazing and positive experience it was still stressful and emotional. I made a major decision to leave my job and go into private practice. There were other events over the year but by far the worst for me was my dad's death. He had a series of health issues and died on September 16th.

I was so fortunate to be present and by my dad's side when he took his last breath. And how lucky I was to be there when Anna was born. Not many adoptive mothers get to be present when their child is born. When Anna took that first breath my heart grew and when my dad took his last breath a part of my heart died with him. I was greatly comforted by the fact that as my dad took his last breath he was meeting Josh in heaven. My dad always had a special connection with Josh and would always state he wished God had taken him instead of Josh. Perhaps it was the fact that Josh's middle name was my dad's first name - Frank. Perhaps it was that Josh was just special to him. Regardless I'm glad they are reunited again.

Josh and my dad meeting for the first time.

I wasn't really sure what to expect in terms of grief after losing my dad. People have always said that losing a child is the greatest loss - having never lost a parent or sibling I had nothing to compare it to up until my dad's death. And I write this with the knowledge and understanding that grief is different for everyone - circumstances are different, coping skills are different, the experience itself is different. Now, having lost a child and a parent I've experienced grief both ways. And, for me, losing my dad was a totally different experience than losing Josh. Yes, Josh's death was sudden and hit me like a mack truck and my dad's was somewhat more expected and maybe that's why. But I also think that the loss of a child, young or old, takes away your core. Losing my dad I still feel like me, and I commented to people at the funeral how I could still function and breathe. Losing my child I could barely survive - it felt that I was being pushed under water and fighting for a breath. For months and months. And even now, 2 1/2 years later I still have those feelings from time to time. Perhaps it's the fact that Josh was a baby, so innocent and his time here on earth SO short and my dad lived his life. I really don't know.

What I do know is that I was blessed to be there at the very beginning of my daughter's life and at the very end of my father's. And for that I am truly thankful.

I love you and miss you dad. I hope you and Josh are having a blast up there.