Oh the emotions of it all

I feel like I've been a bit more emotional this week. At church on Sunday I cried throughout almost the entire mass. Something about being at church, surrounded by people we see almost every week (no we aren't perfect Catholics and occasionally skip a mass here or there), the music, the readings, the feeling I get just being there stirs up the emotions. In some ways I think going to church has been helpful because it's a time for me to sit and feel. It's hard to just sit and feel at home when I have the day to day tasks of the house and kids to take care of. The same goes for work. Today for example I felt near tears all day long but didn't have the time or space to sit and allow myself to cry. After mass this weekend a sweet lady who sits near us each week asked me what was the matter and asked "Where is the baby?" She ends up crying too and hugging me when I tell her he died. There is another woman who I ended up sobbing with during our first time back to church after Josh's death. She had come up to me once in our church gathering space while I was pregnant with Josh (Leah was being too loud so I had to take her out of the mass). She is older than me but said she has the same order of kids: boy, boy, girl, boy. Since that time we had shared a few smiles and knowing nods when my boys were acting up. As we were leaving during that first mass after his funeral she grabbed me and held me and told me she was praying for me and reassuring me that Josh was in a better place. I've had several other people come up to me, telling me they had just heard what happened and lending a consoling hug. It's amazing to me that these people, whose names I don't even know, are mourning with me. We happen to just go to the same mass each week and tend to sit in the same area of the church. Yet they are our family and are feeling our pain with us and praying for us.

This week I received a copy of the police report and the EMS report from the day Josh died. Reading through them was difficult because I got a mental picture of the scene and what was happening when the paramedics got to the house. Their account of all the things they did to try to save him was heart wrenching because next to each attempt to revive him via CPR or administering medication to him was "no response". Reading it I could just feel the complete hopelessness of the situation and I was immediately brought back to that day and everything we went through. I was able to email the chaplain who baptized him and express our gratitude for his presence and ability to perform that meaningful act for us. It's easy to overlook all who were involved that day - the chaplain, nurses, social worker, doctors, paramedics, police, etc. I'm sure it was hard for all of them, even if it's their job. But their presence and role they all played that day meant so much to us.

I've had a few instances out in public since Josh died when people have asked me how many children I have. This question has proven really hard to answer. On the one hand I don't want to burden strangers with our sad news, so saying three seems fitting. They are just asking a simple question and I don't want them to have to feel awkward or feel like they are upsetting me. However by only saying three children I feel like I'm betraying Josh. He IS my child and always will be. By only saying I have three children feels wrong. So I'm starting to practice saying (with the advice of a friend who lost her infant son a few years ago) I have four children, one is in heaven. It will depend on the situation of course and sometimes I may not feel like having to explain myself so saying three will be more appropriate. But Josh will forever be my child and he should get the recognition he deserves!

I also read recently that my birthday is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day (October 15th). Bittersweet that now I'll always have a reminder of my loss on my birthday but also nice because I will always be reminded of Josh on my birthday. I can't think of Josh without thinking of losing him and I can't think of what I've lost without thinking about Josh. I wish the two were separate entities but that just isn't possible.

Josh continues to be missed each and every minute of every day. He is always on my mind, even when I'm not directly thinking about him. Mommy loves you Josh!

If you build it, they will come

Prior to Josh's death I had talked with a few girlfriends about doing a race this fall. We decided to do the Bull City Race Fest which offers both a 5 mile run and a half marathon through Downtown Durham neighborhoods. I was sitting on my couch with my lap top last week after putting the kids to bed and went to register. I then saw that you could register as part of a team - people were registering with coworkers, running clubs, and other organizations. The light bulb went off. I could register and start Team Josh to raise money for SIDS research and awareness. I had learned of the CJ SIDS Foundation through my sister who is participating in an event for them. Although we don't know yet if Josh's death will be ruled as SIDS (and won't know for up to six months), I figured it's a great cause regardless so why not? So, Team Josh was created. I then created a donor page for him through the CJ SIDS Foundation website.

Then comes the inspiring part. I created an event on Facebook called "Team Josh at Bull City Race Fest" detailing the goal of Team Josh and within mere minutes I had people signing up. Within 2 days I had over 30 people signed up, some I had never even met! Some who are not runners but have decided to start running to train for this race. It is incredibly uplifting and heartwarming to see not only friends but friends of friends come together to support not only my family but a wonderful cause. 

 
Here are the details of the event: 

What: Team Josh at Bull City Race Fest

Where: American Tobacco Campus 

When: Sunday, October 20^th at 7:30a.m.

Why: To raise money for the CJ SIDS Foundation

How: Join Team Josh then tell friends and family about Josh’s donor page to help raise money.

Who: YOU!!

As a way to honor Josh as well as raise money for SIDS research, I have created "Team Josh" for the Bull City Race Fest. This is a race on October 20th in Downtown Durham. You can choose to do the half marathon or the 5 mile run. Although we don't know for sure if Josh died from SIDS (and probably won't know for several months), I would love to raise money for SIDS research. My plan is to reach out to friends who would like to run (or walk fast!) and be part of "Team Josh". I have created a donor page for the CJ SIDS Foundation which does a lot to raise money and awareness for SIDS research and prevention. Here is what you can do:

1. Register for either the 5 mile or the half marathon at www.bullcityracefest.com. Make sure you select "Team Josh" during registration.

2. Spread the word to your friends and family that you are raising money for SIDS research. Invite others to join Team Josh and run. This is the website for Josh's donor page: http://cjsids.donorpages.com/Memorial/JoshuaSmedley/

3. Email me at kellysmedley@gmail.com that you have registered for Team Josh and send me your t-shirt size. I plan to get "Team Josh" t-shirts made and will give yours to you prior to race day. If you have friends who want to be part of Team Josh have them do the same. The more, the merrier!

4. Have fun running for a great cause!

You don't have to run in order to donate - you can direct people to his donor page even if you can't run. Thank you so much for your consideration. And please, no pressure - if you can't or don't want to run your prayers are still appreciated, not only for us but for others who have lost children.

So, that's the deal. As of this writing there are 38 people signed up for the race and over $1400 already raised from Josh's donor page. Amazing! I wonder what the numbers will be by the time of my next blog post. 

If you build it, they will come! Mommy loves you Josh! 

One month

It's hard to believe that it's been one month since we lost Josh. It has felt like it has been so much longer since he's been with us. I miss him so much and at times still feel like it hasn't fully hit me yet that he is gone forever. I will often daydream about him and try to imagine myself holding him or nursing him or watching him smile. I try to think about the little things we'd do together such as me talking to him while changing him, him grabbing onto my hair while I burped him, or just simply him sleeping on my chest.

Over the past month I've had some moments of self-pity, asking the question, "why us?" I get angry that this happened to us. We've tried to lead honest, hard-working lives. We try to be kind to others and treat others well. We try to volunteer our time to our community where we can. So why does something horrible like this happen to US? Why doesn't it happen to those evil, bad people in the world (not that I would wish the loss of a child on anyone)? It is frustrating because we try to do everything the right way and then losing Josh is the thanks we get.

I've discussed with my husband that for years in the back of my mind I've had the fear that something would happen to one of my children. At the time I thought it was normal mom feelings but I think now that perhaps on some level I knew. Not sure if it's intuition or what but now that it's happened and my child was taken from me suddenly and without apparent reason, I can only hold onto the hope that someday I will know why this happened. The fact is, no matter what, Josh isn't coming back. As much as I want to I can't change it. I could spend the rest of my life bitter about it but that won't do me or my family any good. I could feel sorry for myself but that won't change anything. So my choice is to be miserable or to choose to live my life as best as I can going forward. Of course I will allow myself to be sad, to grieve, to get angry about the hand I was dealt. But I have 3 other children who need me as well as a husband. I have coworkers and patients who rely on me. Right now I'm taking it one day at a time and just doing the best I can. If I feel like crying I will cry, if I feel like laughing I will laugh. It is extremely emotionally exhausting going through this because no matter what, Josh is always in the back of my mind. It seems like every interaction and experience is now tainted because he is gone. I assume with time that will get better.

Although it's difficult, I've been trying to find things to be thankful for. I'm thankful that Josh died peacefully in his sleep. He didn't suffer. There are so, so many children who battle long illnesses and are in pain and suffer before they die. I'm thankful that Josh was still a sweet, innocent baby when he died. My memories of him are nothing but positive. He never did one thing wrong and was perfect in every way. I am also thankful of a choice I made regarding the weekend before he died. I was supposed to be going on a girls' weekend with my college roommates. It was going to be a reunion of sorts as we hadn't all been together since college and it was planned for almost a year. I had really wanted to go but was conflicted about it. It was going to be the weekend after I returned to work. I would have had to take another day off and had already extended my maternity leave by a week in order to take a family trip out to Colorado for my nephew's baptism. I knew if I went it would be stressful for work reasons but also because I knew I'd not fully enjoy myself after being away at work all week and then being gone that whole weekend. I would just miss Josh too much. I'd miss my other kids too but there is something about being away from your baby that is different and really makes your heart hurt. So, in the end I decided not to go for the roommate reunion. Now I know why I didn't go - Josh died that Monday. If I had gone I would forever have guilt that I didn't spend enough time with him that weekend. In a way I think God knew that would tear me up so He led me to the right decision. I'm so thankful I chose to miss out on a really fun weekend in order to stay home. Those extra couple days with him is precious extra time I got to spend with him. 

Most of all I'm thankful Josh was in my life. He brought a joy to our family and still does. We had debated for a long time about having a fourth child and I still say it's the best decision I've ever made. Having 3 months with Josh is better than none at all. His short life touched so many people in so many ways that I have to have faith that his life was part of a bigger plan. Hopefully one day when I see Josh again in heaven (hopefully I end up there!) I will be told by him and God what was the real reason for Josh's short life here on earth. Until then I plan to be thankful for the time I had with him and try to make him proud with the way I carry out the rest of my life without him. Mommy loves you Josh!

The Week After

The days following Josh's death were weird. I know it's an odd thing to say but it was a jumble of emotions and experiences that we won't forget. The main challenge for me was feeling so hollow. I felt like I was walking around in a daze. And the tears. Who knew so many tears could come out of one person? I had little to no appetite and my taste buds were numb - food had no appeal or taste to me. I lost 3 pounds in 3 days. Sleep was evading me.

What's that saying? Don't kick me when I'm down? Well, I felt like I was the butt of a cruel joke because even after my sweet baby died, I was still producing milk. It was so disheartening to me to have to pump even though my baby was gone. I would do it in his room, crying. After a few times I accepted that this was just something I had to do while I weaned my body and in a way I actually began looking forward to having to do it. It allowed me to have quiet time alone in Josh's room, feeling connected to him in a way only we shared.

That week is a blur in many ways. We had so many things to do and so many people in and out of the house, dropping by, out of town visitors, family and friends. In many ways it kept us going and was so helpful having so many people pitching in, making sure not only we were fed but our visitors were too. It actually at times felt like a big party because we had plenty of good food, alcohol, and company the few nights surrounding the funeral. My phone didn't stop between all the texts, emails, and calls I received. We did have to deal with visits and calls from the sheriff's office and child protective services so they could do their reports since Josh died while in a daycare. We also visited his daycare the day after he died - it was very helpful for us to hear his daycare lady describe to us the details of the day before and also to get some closure to visit where he passed away. His daycare lady is so strong and wonderful and we remain so thankful to her for trying to save his life. We only wish she didn't have to experience such a traumatic event.

My husband and I had to go to the funeral home and talk about what type of casket we wanted for Josh, the program we wanted, the prayer cards we wanted, and the obituary. All things that two days before we'd never dreamed we'd be talking about. Writing my own child's obituary had not been on my to-do list for that week. How things can change when we least expect it. The funeral home staff were amazing and in the midst of our sorrow, my husband and I would joke  to each other about how they are almost too understanding. They speak so calmly and slowly it's almost to the point of sounding really exaggerated. I think if we weren't so sad we would have been laughing hysterically about it.

When we went to pick out Josh's burial plot we were pleasantly surprised that the guy in charge of the cemetery was the same man who came to the hospital to give us communion the day after Josh was born. In a way it was comforting to us that this man was present as we welcomed our son into the world and was now helping us as we picked out where he would be laid to rest. We had a bit of a dilemma while picking out the plot - the plots he initially showed us were nice but I spotted a tree that was a little more secluded and in a prettier spot. Unfortunately the plots near it were taken however the cemetery guy made an "executive" decision and was able to create a new plot for Josh in front of the tree since he didn't require a full size plot. Josh was able to get the perfect spot that we wanted for his final resting place - under that tree. For some reason it just felt right to us - like the tree was protecting him and forever watching over him.

My husband and I decided we wanted to write Josh's eulogy together. I had been so completely busy all week that I hadn't had a chance to write my part. So, the night before his visitation I went up in his nursery with my lap top so I could try to write it in peace. Not long after I started a big thunderstorm came through and our power went out. Our power never goes out but that night it was out for a couple hours. I actually was able to continue working on the eulogy because I had battery power. It was a little surreal writing it with no lights on but also I think it helped me focus and feel connected to him as I wrote. And maybe it was God's way of providing me with the setting in which to write the perfect send-off for my sweet boy.

We were overwhelmed by the amount of people who attended both his visitation and funeral. From coworkers, friends, family, out of town friends, and people we've only met a few times; it was very heartwarming to have all the people we care about come and pay their respects. I had complained to my husband that I didn't think we had that many pictures of Josh but then realized as we organized them we actually have a lot. We were able to display lots of pictures of him so everyone could get a sense of how special (and cute!) he was.

There were even some funny moments the day of Josh's funeral.  Of course we couldn't find my 5 year old Ben's nice shoe - we had one but not the other. So, as is typical of Ben since he marches to the beat of his own drummer, he wore sneakers with his suit to the service. Prior to that week I probably would have been stressing about it, but I had a whole new perspective by then. Who cares what shoes he wore to his brother's funeral? On the way to the church we were talking to the kids about bringing up the gifts. We wanted them to do it but didn't want to put pressure on them if they didn't want to. At first Ben said he didn't want to (at my sister's wedding last fall he got stage fright when it was his turn to walk down the aisle) so we discussed maybe having Jake (my 8 year old) and a couple of his friends do it. After a minute Ben says, "Okay, I'm in!". The way he said it was hysterical. We were so proud of him for stepping up and participating in Josh's mass. Another funny thing was driving from the church to the cemetery. There was some bike event with tons of people biking in funny hats and costumes. So we have this mass of funny looking bikers having to stop their ride to allow the procession through. Totally random.

It was humbling to see the long line of cars driving from the church to the cemetery. At the entrance of the cemetery a police officer stood with his hand over his heart. That was extremely touching to me. Perhaps they do that for every funeral but it made me feel good and was an outward display of how special Josh was.

Although that week after Josh died was extremely hard and painful, it was also very special. Having family here helping take care of the kids, taking care of the food, folding laundry, and doing numerous other mundane tasks without batting an eye was a testament to the love we all have for each other. My sister playing with my hair and rubbing my shoulders, my friend bringing me cosmo mix and cleaning my bathroom because she knew we had people coming over, my mom getting in an argument with the pharmacy because there was an issue with the script and she refused to leave without getting a pill since she knew I needed something to help me sleep. My mother in law crying with me, my father in law taking the car seat and stroller out of my van because I couldn't bear to do it. Everyone surrounded us with love and support and I truly believe that is what kept us going.

The day after the funeral we decided was the second worst day of our lives. Everyone had left the night before and reality smacked us in the face. We had been able to distract ourselves with all the activity and now those distractions were gone. The grief we felt that day was awful - I remember texting my sister in law saying "I'm not sure how we are going to be able to do this." The day dragged on forever - and by then my kids had been home for a week, completely out of their routine, and completely getting on one another's nerves. All I wanted to do was to curl up and cry all day but I couldn't. I forced myself to go outside while the kids played and we actually all went to the pool just to get out of the house. However the pool was just another reminder to us because just the week before Josh had been with us when we were there. We realized that this was our new reality - everything we did from then on would be a "first" without Josh. That night at dinner was probably the hardest "first" for us. Normally we all hold hands and say grace before dinner with Josh right there with us. Not having him there for that first dinner together since his death was so upsetting and we both cried through the prayer. Our table for so long had felt incomplete before we had him and once he was with us our family felt whole. Not having him there felt (and still feels) completely wrong - like there was this invisible hole now that will never be filled. We pray to Josh now every night at dinner which makes us feel like he is with us on some level.

That week was so, so hard but also showed us the goodness in people. So many people inconvenienced their busy lives to come be with us, cry with us, and show their love for us. We feel so blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful people as we know not everyone is so lucky. Our burden was lessened by all the support we got (and still are) getting. My only regret is Josh will never have a chance to grow up and get to know all these great people in our lives. But I guess he actually is, just while he's up in heaven. Mommy loves you Josh!