A new year dawned today. It's been quite awhile since my last post - 2015 was a challenging year. We adopted Anna - although a truly amazing and positive experience it was still stressful and emotional. I made a major decision to leave my job and go into private practice. There were other events over the year but by far the worst for me was my dad's death. He had a series of health issues and died on September 16th.
I was so fortunate to be present and by my dad's side when he took his last breath. And how lucky I was to be there when Anna was born. Not many adoptive mothers get to be present when their child is born. When Anna took that first breath my heart grew and when my dad took his last breath a part of my heart died with him. I was greatly comforted by the fact that as my dad took his last breath he was meeting Josh in heaven. My dad always had a special connection with Josh and would always state he wished God had taken him instead of Josh. Perhaps it was the fact that Josh's middle name was my dad's first name - Frank. Perhaps it was that Josh was just special to him. Regardless I'm glad they are reunited again.
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Josh and my dad meeting for the first time.
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I wasn't really sure what to expect in terms of grief after losing my dad. People have always said that losing a child is the greatest loss - having never lost a parent or sibling I had nothing to compare it to up until my dad's death. And I write this with the knowledge and understanding that grief is different for everyone - circumstances are different, coping skills are different, the experience itself is different. Now, having lost a child and a parent I've experienced grief both ways. And, for me, losing my dad was a totally different experience than losing Josh. Yes, Josh's death was sudden and hit me like a mack truck and my dad's was somewhat more expected and maybe that's why. But I also think that the loss of a child, young or old, takes away your core. Losing my dad I still feel like me, and I commented to people at the funeral how I could still function and breathe. Losing my child I could barely survive - it felt that I was being pushed under water and fighting for a breath. For months and months. And even now, 2 1/2 years later I still have those feelings from time to time. Perhaps it's the fact that Josh was a baby, so innocent and his time here on earth SO short and my dad lived his life. I really don't know.
What I do know is that I was blessed to be there at the very beginning of my daughter's life and at the very end of my father's. And for that I am truly thankful.
I love you and miss you dad. I hope you and Josh are having a blast up there.
