Two Years

I miss him and have never wanted something so badly. Two years ago almost to the exact time as I write this post Josh passed away. A part of me still can't believe it. A part of me is still in shock and still reeling from the trauma. I hate these stupid dates. June 10th will forever be a crappy day that I have to figure out how to get through each year. For weeks ahead of time it looms on the horizon - I can see it but can't get there yet. It's like it taunts me. It's in the air, it's on my mind, and I have a sense of trepidation. Kind of like the feeling you get when you have a big exam and you know you haven't studied enough and aren't fully prepared for it. It's uncomfortable and it just plain sucks. All big dates have that sense of dread - holidays, birthdays, Mother's day, etc. But today is the worst because it is THE day. The day that for reasons I still question, God called Josh to heaven.

I have been a mixed up jumble of emotions these past few months. There are times I want to cry but can't for whatever reason. I fully realize that we would not have Anna had Josh not passed away (bittersweet doesn't even come close to describing it but it's the only word I can think of). However I'm confident that God and Josh had a hand in our decision to pursue adoption as well as choosing the perfect baby for our family. Although we were open to adopting either a boy or girl I think God knew blessing us with a girl would be a bit easier for us to handle emotionally. Anna also recently surpassed the age Josh was when he died. I went back to work too - all the things that two years ago I was doing with Josh. It's hard not to let the fear get to me but I'm trying.

It's funny how life marches on and how quickly two years can go by. My heart is still beating even though a big piece is missing. In a way it's its own miracle. Time to tackle year #3 without my sweet boy. I love you so much Josh and can't wait to see you again.

What Mother's Day is Really About

Today is a special day. It's when mothers are honored by their children and (hopefully) by the fathers of their children. It's when moms are treated like queens, get a break from the dishes and laundry for a day, get handmade gifts from their young children, flowers or a card from their older ones. This Mother's Day is the second one without one of my children to share it with me. And it got me thinking that there are different facets of motherhood that I've experienced whether I wanted to or not. Things that many have strong opinions on and sometimes fuel the "mommy wars". For example, I've had three vaginal births as well as have had a c-section. I have also adopted a baby who was birthed by another woman. No matter how my babies entered the world, they are still mine. I have successfully breastfed four babies and have formula fed another. No matter how I fed my babies I have provided nourishment to them. I have experienced two of my children having surgery (one of which was major), a concussion, broken bone, countless fevers, rashes, illnesses and have spent numerous hours worrying, caring for, and comforting them. No matter what the ailment was, I tried my best to take away their discomfort. I have worked while raising my kids because I know I'm a better mom to them when I'm busy and enjoying what I do and know I don't have the patience or creativity to be a stay at home mom. No matter my decision to work versus stay at home I do what I do out of love for them. I have buried a child and helped my other children through their grief while trying to cope with my own. No matter if my children are here on earth or up in heaven, I love them with my whole heart and soul.

So this Mother's Day I think it's important to recognize all the different types of moms out there. There are women who long to be mothers but their bodies aren't cooperating with their dream, there are women who have lost angels before birth, there are women who have lost infants or children to long illnesses or to tragic events. There are elderly mothers who have had to bury their adult children before it was their time. There are women who are just trying to do their best - no matter if they decided to breast or bottle feed, work or stay at home, give their baby up for adoption to ensure them a better life, have their baby naturally or via c-section, and the list goes on. My point is that ALL mothers deserve to be honored, cherished, and supported - not just by their children or spouses but by other mothers. We are all on our own scary journey - everyone's is a little different but we all have one common goal - to do what's best for our children. And that is something to be proud of.

Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful ladies out there!

Josh is a big brother!

This post is delayed for a couple reasons. 1. Life with a newborn is busy and 2. I have to be in a certain frame of mind to write these blog posts and I only recently felt like writing this one.

So....our family has been blessed with a new addition! Anna Louise was born on February 20th and is a happy and healthy bundle of joy! She came into our lives through adoption and we are so blessed.

Happy Birthday Anna!

We have fielded many questions about our journey and I thought I'd share a bit here. We had thought about adoption several times and I had researched it casually for years. But, the cost was always a deterrent for us as well as we could have our own biological children without difficulty. However, after Josh died, it was like we were driven to pursue adoption - a "calling" some would say. We just knew we weren't done. We started the process a couple months after Josh died, knowing it could take awhile. Some agencies wouldn't even talk to us because they felt we needed at least six months to grieve after Josh died. It honestly pissed me off because who were these strangers to say when we'd be emotionally ready to add another child to our family? Although rationally I understand their reasoning, any parent who has lost a child knows that there is no time limit on grief. Anyway, we found a great agency to work with and got the ball rolling. Six weeks after we went "live" we were matched with a mother due in a few months. That match "failed" (adoption lingo). Basically we were chosen but due to several circumstances and poor choices of the birth mother after her baby was born the adoption plan fell through. Fortunately we never met the baby but at the time I felt like we couldn't catch a break, given all we'd been through. Our adoption adviser gave us good advice though and told us that experience was just getting us one step closer to OUR child. And she was right!

Fast forward several more months and we got a call that a birth mother who was due in a month wanted us to be the parents for her child. We were able to be there for Anna's birth (she happened to be born in North Carolina!) and are blessed that she has an amazing birth mother and birth family. We were able to care for her immediately and welcomed her with open arms. The best word to explain the experience at the hospital with her birth, the adoption process, the emotions of all involved is "surreal." It was wonderful, exhausting, happy, sad, anxiety-ridden, and so very special. We have nothing but the utmost respect and love for her birth mother.

We didn't share with many people the fact that we were pursuing adoption because of all the ups and downs that it can entail. Our kids knew of course that eventually they'd have a new brother or sister. Anna has fit right into the chaos and the kids dote on her. We've all had our struggles emotionally as we've welcomed a new baby into the house. While expected, it's still hard. Having the physical presence of a baby in the house again definitely brought up lots of feelings. We have encouraged the kids to talk about it and reassure them that it's okay to miss Josh but still be happy that Anna is here. On Josh's birthday - I was so sad on the one hand but also so happy to be holding Anna in my arms. Such conflicted feelings. I am also so SCARED that something will happen to her. If I'm honest, I'm scared something will happen to any one of my kids at any point for the rest of my life. Prior to bringing her home, I was sure I would never sleep again and just stay up to make sure she was breathing but I've honestly done better than expected. Rationally I know that SIDS can't be prevented and the chances of it happening are so slim but it still scares me! I am fortunate that I've been able to keep my anxiety in check and get sleep as I know other SIDS parents aren't so lucky.

So now when people ask how many children I have I answer "Five - four on earth and one in heaven." I know if we'd never lost Josh that Anna wouldn't be in our family - for me that is a hard pill to swallow. But I know Josh had his hand in all of this and I think he picked Anna for us. The day of his second birthday was also the day the birth mother's revocation period expired (meaning we could breath a sigh of relief that Anna was definitely ours!). What a wonderful birthday present that Josh gave to us. 

While Anna will never get to meet her big brother we know that he will be looking out for her from above. And I thank God for giving us the strength to choose adoption. We are truly blessed.

Anna at six weeks old and sweet as can be! 

Happy Birthday My Sweet Boy

Happy Birthday Josh! It's so hard to believe you would have been two years old already. I can only imagine the trouble you'd be getting into - I wonder if you would have visited the time out corner by now? My guess would be yes, especially if you took after your brothers!

I hate writing about you in the past tense because I know you are very much here and alive in many ways even though your body isn't. There is no right way I guess.

We will be sending up your birthday balloons to you today - I hope you can catch them! Your siblings are excited to celebrate you today - Ben has the house covered in balloons and Leah has been drawing you pictures. We will go out to dinner at the same restaurant we went to the night before you were born - a family tradition we started last year to celebrate YOU.

We miss you so much Josh. Not a minute goes by that I don't think about you. And we know you and God have been working together to watch over us and give us the strength to continue living our lives the best we can. We know you have a hand in the many blessings in our lives and we find so much comfort knowing you are here with us every step of the way. I hope you have an amazing birthday up in heaven little man. We love you so very much!