Giving Thanks

Despite what has happened to our family this past year, I am thankful for so many blessings. I thought I'd share a few here.

Reasons to be thankful (in no particular order): 

1. I was blessed to have three amazing and healthy months with Josh. So many parents never get that opportunity with their child.
2. For Josh's daycare provider. While I wouldn't wish what she experienced (finding Josh and performing CPR) on anyone, I believe there was a reason for it. God knew having Josh pass away in our home or having us be the ones to find him unresponsive would only add to our pain. Our daycare provider had the strength to handle it and I'm forever grateful for her efforts to save Josh's life.
3. My amazing family and friends. The love and support my family and I've received continues to lift me up and get me through each day.
4. My marriage. I'm so incredibly fortunate to have a strong marriage with my best friend. I would be lost without him.
5. That our HVAC unit kicked the bucket on July 4th, 2012. That was the wake up call we needed to start paying closer attention to our finances (and begin following principles from financial guru Dave Ramsey). By doing so, we were able to pay for Josh's funeral without financing.
6.  For our faith. Having faith that Josh is in heaven and that his death had meaning that is greater than what we can fathom here on earth. Knowing that I will see him again and I just have to be patient gives me comfort.
7. For our wonderful church and school community. They have fed us, prayed for us, listened to us, and have held us close these past several months.
8. For running. Running has allowed me to remain healthy, to process my thoughts and feelings, and relieve stress. It has kept me sane.
9. For my awesome career. I absolutely love being a psychiatric nurse and working with the severely mentally ill (especially schizophrenia patients). They humble me, touch my heart, and give me perspective. They have taught me to be more compassionate and the importance of treating all people with dignity and respect.
10. For my coworkers who work so hard in the face of so many barriers to help people who have countless needs. For their determination and selflessness in dealing with very challenging situations.
11. For Jake. His caring nature, sense of humor, musical talent and ability to argue. He has taught me how to be a better mother, taught me to pick my battles, and how to communicate more effectively. I am so lucky to have him as my son.
12. For Ben. His zest for life, enthusiasm, determination, creative mind, and ability to never run out of energy or things to talk about. He has shown me how to look at the world around me in a more appreciative way.I am so lucky to have him as my son.
13. For Leah. Her ability to stand up for herself, provide comic relief, be sensitive yet strong, and her affectionate nature. She has made us all more tender hearted. I am so lucky to have her as my daughter.
14. For Josh. His sweet demeanor, infectious and sideways smile, and cuddly nature will stay with me forever. I am so lucky to have him as my son.
15. For moving to North Carolina 6.5 years ago. We love the community we are in and are fortunate to raise our family here.
16. For friends who aren't phased by my tears, my lack of spark, and go out of their way to give me a hug or let me know they are thinking of me.
17. For the prayers of friends, family, acquaintances and even strangers. This journey has shown me that the power of prayer is very real. I truly believe without everyone's prayers we would not be doing as well as we are.
18. For the CJ Foundation for SIDS and its efforts to raise funds and awareness for research on SIDS to help prevent it from happening to more children.
19. For the generosity of family, friends, and strangers. Through their generosity we have raised over $4,000 for the Joshua Smedley Memorial Fund in our church as well as $6,575 for SIDS research. We are looking forward to using the memorial fund for a family in need in our church and are happy to further SIDS research and awareness.
20. For my parents and sister for everything they have done for me not only recently but over the years.
21. For my in-laws, sister-in-law and ALL family, extended family, and friends. I am so lucky to have so much love in my life. 
22. For the Steelers. No explanation needed. :)

This list is by no means all-inclusive as there is so much more to be thankful for. I consider myself very lucky in so many ways. No matter what challenges I've been faced with or what challenges lay ahead, I continue to have so many blessings in my life and for that I am thankful. Happy Thanksgiving!

Forever Footprint

I had always wanted a tattoo but I never had that special significant thing that I felt I could have on my body for the rest of my life. Sure there were things that would be nice to get - a flower, maybe something about running or something symbolizing my family.  However, I'd never seriously considered getting a tattoo until Josh died. Two days later I knew what I wanted to get - his footprint. It wasn't a matter of if I was going to get it but when. So then I had some decisions to make - mainly where I would get it. Ultimately I decided to get it on my shoulder blade. My foot/ankle was also a contender because I liked the idea of Josh "walking" with me for the rest of my life. However the practical side of me didn't necessarily want it to be visible 100% of the time. So I decided having it on my shoulder would work and I like to think of it as him "pushing" me along and supporting me. My next decision was designing the font for his name, which I really wanted to include. After scouring the internet but not finding anything satisfactory, my sister suggested I use my handwriting. I loved that idea and how personal it is, so that's what I did and to me, it came out perfect:

I got this back in August but never got around to posting about it. Some friends asked me if it hurt and I told them that it was nothing compared to the pain I've been through these last few months. (It also was a piece of cake compared to childbirth - sorry guys!). When I was actually getting it done it felt therapeutic and I had a sense of closeness to Josh. The artist used Josh's original footprint from the day he was born and made an exact copy of it. I also love how it's over one of my freckles - it is next to impossible to find space on me that doesn't have freckles! I am so happy I forever will have a visual reminder and symbol that my sweet boy is always with me. It certainly isn't the tattoo I would have ever envisioned I'd be getting but since I can't change the fact that Josh died, this is one way I will be absolutely certain his memory will be kept alive.