It is so hard to believe it's Josh's birthday. One year ago I felt like the luckiest person in the world - I had just given birth to my fourth child to complete our family. Who could ask for more? I had four beautiful children, an amazing husband, a career I love, and wonderful family and friends. We were so blessed. To have that amazing reality stolen from my family and me angers me. But, to dwell on the "it's not fair" aspect of Josh's death really doesn't do me any good. I've mentioned in previous posts that I'm human and I have my moments of self pity and being mad at the hand we were dealt, however I do feel blessed that I did have three months of my perfect family. Josh brought so much joy to our lives in the short time he was here. In many ways I feel that he made me a better person and showed a tender side of my other kids that I hadn't really seen before. They doted on their baby brother and loved him so much. Josh was and
is a blessing. He gives me strength to get through hard days, he gives me perspective on life that I never had before, he has shown me how deep love is.
When a parent loses a child it's only natural to look around at other kids the same age and wonder how their own child would be now. I imagine how cute Josh would be at one year old. He would probably be getting ready to walk or perhaps would have taken a few steps already. He probably would light up the room with his squeals and laughter. He would probably crawl around the house after his siblings. He'd be getting into my kitchen cabinets and making messes left and right. He'd be coming to the end of nursing and graduating to real milk in a cup. He'd be babbling and trying to "talk". It's hard not looking at other people's babies who are about the same age as Josh would be and not wistfully think about the "what ifs". I wouldn't say I'm jealous - the rational side of me understands that it wouldn't be right to be jealous of those who do have happy, healthy babies. I would say that in many ways I enjoy seeing babies because I get a little glimpse into how Josh would be. That baby in the shopping cart at the grocery store, a baby on a diaper commercial, online videos posted on facebook of cute baby antics - they all remind me of him and in a way it's comforting.
One year ago we welcomed this little peanut into the world. He was 6lbs, 4oz and was so perfect. Josh was a planned c-section (my first) due to being breech. He came out and was so mellow and so darn cute. He nursed well and was our first baby who didn't get jaundiced. Being the fourth child he was on the go from the beginning - at Jake's baseball practice at two weeks old, picking up his brothers from school, going to scout events, soccer games, etc. Josh was the perfect addition to our family. He still is.
So, on Josh's one year old birthday in heaven I wanted to share some pictures of him with those who follow my blog. I hope they capture his sweet personality and you are able to get a sense of how special he is.
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| Josh's birthday |
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| My loves |
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| Getting to know each other |
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| Leah was so excited to be a big sister |
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| He sure was a cuddler |
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| So snuggly |
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| The changing table was one of his favorite places |
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| Ben loved holding Josh |
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| Being inquisitive |
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| Shy smile |
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| Somehow managed to kick off his sock |
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Josh even hiked the Rocky Mountains
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| He slept the entire hike |
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| My amazing children - Jake, Ben, Leah, and Josh |
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| We made wonderful memories together in Colorado |
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| Our sweet angel |
I miss my baby boy so much and would give anything for the chance to hold him again and see his smile. My hope is that he is having the best birthday party up there in heaven with the most awesome smash cake ever. While my heart hurts here on earth missing my baby on his birthday I know he is in a wonderful place. Happy Birthday Josh. We love you so much!
