It All Can Change in an Instant

Normally we go to church on Sunday mornings but today we decided to go to the Saturday evening mass instead. Today was a hectic day - we had Ben's birthday party until the early afternoon and my husband went straight from there to a scouting event. We decided to meet up at church this evening so on Sunday morning I could get out for a few hours and work on some Christmas shopping. After mass I told my husband to take the kids with him and I was going to stop and pick up some barbeque for dinner. As I was driving home (it was dark outside - about 6:45 pm), I noticed cars merging from two lanes to one. I signal to get over and then notice a few cars with their hazard lights on and then noticed one of them was my husband's truck. I pull up behind him and put on my blinkers (still not sure what is going on because I can't see anything) and get out. I see my husband on the phone (he was calling 911) and then notice a man up ahead on the ground next to a car screaming in pain. I knelt down next to him and grabbed his hand and started asking him questions. His legs were mangled and since he was breathing and talking my main goal was to keep him calm and not moving. He was upset and in shock and kept trying to sit up to see his legs but I did my best to keep him talking, lying still and squeezing my hand. I also had to firmly tell his buddies to stop trying to take off his shoes and to not touch him. They were just trying to help since their friend was screaming at them his feet hurt. After a few minutes the police, EMS, and firemen came and took over.
What had happened was a freak series of events. Apparently the guy "J" who got hit (24 years old) was following his brother's car who was following their father's work truck (they were finishing up a contractor job and driving home following one another). The brother's car broke down so J parked his car behind it with his flashers on because the brother's flashers weren't working. J was standing in between the front of his car and the back of his brother's trying to wave traffic over while his father was getting ready to tow the brother's car. A car going full speed (about 45 mph) hit J's car which hit him and he smashed onto the hood/windshield of his car and then got pinned between his car and his brother's. That is when my husband pulled up as the brother and his friend were waving and panicking. J's father was a quick thinker and pulled the brother's car forward with his work truck while my husband and the other two helped lift up the car to un-pin J. That's when I happened to pull up (probably at least 5 minutes after it happened). The driver of the car who hit J didn't approach or do anything. Turns out he was intoxicated - after J was taken away in the ambulance, the officers questioned everyone and did the sobriety test on the driver of the car. Then they arrested him. J's brother, friend, and father were very appreciative of our help and I did take their number so I will hopefully get a status update at some point. J had some very serious injuries and the impact was so hard that I am concerned he has other serious injuries that we can't see.
All during this my husband and I kept checking back on our kids (who were safe in the truck but tired and hungry) and they were patient and enthralled by all the police activity. This whole experience tonight opened my eyes to a few things:
1. Not one person except my husband and I (who were driving separately and were at least 5 minutes apart from each other since I stopped to pick up food) stopped to help. People literally drove by the scene without pulling over. Yes, it was dark but it was obvious EMS weren't there, it was a serious accident, and people needed help. Are we as a society so self-involved or in such a hurry that we can't take a few minutes to make sure everyone is ok? How would they feel if they were the ones laying on the ground pinned between two cars with their legs crushed and no one stopped? It boggles my mind.
2. The drunk driver who caused this tragic accident was *this* close to MY family. He could have just as easily hit my husband and kids since they were within seconds of each other on the road. How dare he be so selfish to risk MY children's lives? I pray that he gets the help he obviously needs. And he probably isn't a bad person but he made a very poor choice that is going to have a negative impact not only on his life but the life of a 24 year old who was simply finishing up a day of hard work.
3. Witnessing this horrible accident is a wake up call that I need to be less distracted on the road. I need to ignore my phone, not get distracted by the kids, and focus my attention better. In a split second lives can be altered. I know that from first hand experience with losing Josh but tonight also served as a reminder to me.
4. Tonight was also an example of how all things seem to happen for a reason. There was a reason why we decided to go to mass tonight instead of our typical Sunday morning. There was a reason we were on the same road at the time of that accident. There was probably a reason that the driver got arrested - perhaps this event will actually save his life from the awful disease of alcoholism. No one really knows for sure but it does make me wonder.

Anyway, please keep J in your prayers that he is able to fully heal from his injuries and has the strength to get him through what challenges are sure to lay ahead for him. Please pray for his father, brother, and friend as what they witnessed happen to their loved one is very traumatic. Please pray for the man who hit J - pray he gets the help he needs as well as for his family as they will also be suffering as a result of this. And let this be a lesson to us all - don't take life for granted because in a split second everything can change. Don't put things off for tomorrow - take charge now by working hard, making the changes you want, and living life to the fullest. And we all need to realize that our choices have consequences, no matter how big or small the choice is. I'm sure that driver didn't intend to hurt anyone tonight but he made a poor choice and now has to live with the consequences for the rest of his life.

Giving Thanks

Despite what has happened to our family this past year, I am thankful for so many blessings. I thought I'd share a few here.

Reasons to be thankful (in no particular order): 

1. I was blessed to have three amazing and healthy months with Josh. So many parents never get that opportunity with their child.
2. For Josh's daycare provider. While I wouldn't wish what she experienced (finding Josh and performing CPR) on anyone, I believe there was a reason for it. God knew having Josh pass away in our home or having us be the ones to find him unresponsive would only add to our pain. Our daycare provider had the strength to handle it and I'm forever grateful for her efforts to save Josh's life.
3. My amazing family and friends. The love and support my family and I've received continues to lift me up and get me through each day.
4. My marriage. I'm so incredibly fortunate to have a strong marriage with my best friend. I would be lost without him.
5. That our HVAC unit kicked the bucket on July 4th, 2012. That was the wake up call we needed to start paying closer attention to our finances (and begin following principles from financial guru Dave Ramsey). By doing so, we were able to pay for Josh's funeral without financing.
6.  For our faith. Having faith that Josh is in heaven and that his death had meaning that is greater than what we can fathom here on earth. Knowing that I will see him again and I just have to be patient gives me comfort.
7. For our wonderful church and school community. They have fed us, prayed for us, listened to us, and have held us close these past several months.
8. For running. Running has allowed me to remain healthy, to process my thoughts and feelings, and relieve stress. It has kept me sane.
9. For my awesome career. I absolutely love being a psychiatric nurse and working with the severely mentally ill (especially schizophrenia patients). They humble me, touch my heart, and give me perspective. They have taught me to be more compassionate and the importance of treating all people with dignity and respect.
10. For my coworkers who work so hard in the face of so many barriers to help people who have countless needs. For their determination and selflessness in dealing with very challenging situations.
11. For Jake. His caring nature, sense of humor, musical talent and ability to argue. He has taught me how to be a better mother, taught me to pick my battles, and how to communicate more effectively. I am so lucky to have him as my son.
12. For Ben. His zest for life, enthusiasm, determination, creative mind, and ability to never run out of energy or things to talk about. He has shown me how to look at the world around me in a more appreciative way.I am so lucky to have him as my son.
13. For Leah. Her ability to stand up for herself, provide comic relief, be sensitive yet strong, and her affectionate nature. She has made us all more tender hearted. I am so lucky to have her as my daughter.
14. For Josh. His sweet demeanor, infectious and sideways smile, and cuddly nature will stay with me forever. I am so lucky to have him as my son.
15. For moving to North Carolina 6.5 years ago. We love the community we are in and are fortunate to raise our family here.
16. For friends who aren't phased by my tears, my lack of spark, and go out of their way to give me a hug or let me know they are thinking of me.
17. For the prayers of friends, family, acquaintances and even strangers. This journey has shown me that the power of prayer is very real. I truly believe without everyone's prayers we would not be doing as well as we are.
18. For the CJ Foundation for SIDS and its efforts to raise funds and awareness for research on SIDS to help prevent it from happening to more children.
19. For the generosity of family, friends, and strangers. Through their generosity we have raised over $4,000 for the Joshua Smedley Memorial Fund in our church as well as $6,575 for SIDS research. We are looking forward to using the memorial fund for a family in need in our church and are happy to further SIDS research and awareness.
20. For my parents and sister for everything they have done for me not only recently but over the years.
21. For my in-laws, sister-in-law and ALL family, extended family, and friends. I am so lucky to have so much love in my life. 
22. For the Steelers. No explanation needed. :)

This list is by no means all-inclusive as there is so much more to be thankful for. I consider myself very lucky in so many ways. No matter what challenges I've been faced with or what challenges lay ahead, I continue to have so many blessings in my life and for that I am thankful. Happy Thanksgiving!

Forever Footprint

I had always wanted a tattoo but I never had that special significant thing that I felt I could have on my body for the rest of my life. Sure there were things that would be nice to get - a flower, maybe something about running or something symbolizing my family.  However, I'd never seriously considered getting a tattoo until Josh died. Two days later I knew what I wanted to get - his footprint. It wasn't a matter of if I was going to get it but when. So then I had some decisions to make - mainly where I would get it. Ultimately I decided to get it on my shoulder blade. My foot/ankle was also a contender because I liked the idea of Josh "walking" with me for the rest of my life. However the practical side of me didn't necessarily want it to be visible 100% of the time. So I decided having it on my shoulder would work and I like to think of it as him "pushing" me along and supporting me. My next decision was designing the font for his name, which I really wanted to include. After scouring the internet but not finding anything satisfactory, my sister suggested I use my handwriting. I loved that idea and how personal it is, so that's what I did and to me, it came out perfect:

I got this back in August but never got around to posting about it. Some friends asked me if it hurt and I told them that it was nothing compared to the pain I've been through these last few months. (It also was a piece of cake compared to childbirth - sorry guys!). When I was actually getting it done it felt therapeutic and I had a sense of closeness to Josh. The artist used Josh's original footprint from the day he was born and made an exact copy of it. I also love how it's over one of my freckles - it is next to impossible to find space on me that doesn't have freckles! I am so happy I forever will have a visual reminder and symbol that my sweet boy is always with me. It certainly isn't the tattoo I would have ever envisioned I'd be getting but since I can't change the fact that Josh died, this is one way I will be absolutely certain his memory will be kept alive.

The Story of Team Josh

I mentioned in a previous post about the creation of Team Josh. What a special day we had in so many ways....

When I originally thought about having a "Team Josh" I had envisioned myself and perhaps a couple girlfriends running a race together. Never could I have imagined having over 85 people sign up to run as part of Team Josh in Durham's Bull City Race Fest. Word spread like wildfire (facebook DOES have its redeeming qualities) and friends, coworkers, family, and even friends of friends joined our team. People I have never even met were emailing me asking how they could sign up. Two of my son's teachers signed up. Someone I never met but also had been through the loss of a child signed up. Friends signed up with their kids for the fun run. A friend decided to use the race as an opportunity to run and bond with her daughter. Friends who are not runners signed up and started training. People were also spreading the word about raising funds on Josh's memorial page for the CJ Foundation for SIDS. I had friends tell me they were amazed at how far-reaching Josh's story was going. One friend had a donation from a former teacher she hadn't seen in over 20 years! I also discovered a few months ago that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month so it was especially fitting that we had this run in October. I'm a true believer that all things hthis appen for a reason and this was no exception.
 
The generosity of people continues to amaze me. With over 100 t-shirts to order (some for out of town family) I needed to get some help with the cost. When I approached him and without hesitation, my friend Tim, owner of Blu Seafood and Bar, agreed to help cover the cost of the shirts as our team sponsor. In addition, another friend approached and offered for her law firm to donate towards the shirts. What a blessing to have official sponsors for our team! When coming up for a design for the shirt I knew I wanted to keep it simple. Thank goodness for the internet so I could play around and create a design - something I had certainly never done before! I was torn about what to put on the shirt - I thought about Josh's picture but decided against it. I definitely wanted to include something that reflected that he was a baby. I found footprint images online and thought they would be perfect for the front. On the back I wanted to put the reason for the team; mainly because during a race you look at people's backs the whole time (unless of course you are winning!). I decided to include the dates of Josh's birth and death - it was important to me for people to know that he was a baby when he passed away. Here is the final result:

I have been so busy the past few months, both at work and at home. In the back of my mind I had thought about trying to organize some sort of dinner the night before the race but just couldn't get myself together to plan ahead. About 10 days before the race I had a few people ask me if we were going to do anything the night before. Again, with the help of a wonderful friend we quickly were able to reserve the clubhouse in her old neighborhood a week before the race. I created an e-sign up for a pasta pot luck, emailed the team and the result was a delicious and fun dinner with about half of our team! When I saw a few kids coming in with their Team Josh shirts on I was so touched. Here were all these people taking time to support me and my family. The dinner was a nice way for people to meet each other and have an excuse to eat yummy food before the race. What made our evening so very special was when a beautiful rainbow appeared in the sky right over us. There had been no storm or downpour - just a little drizzle and a setting sun. I know that rainbow was Josh saying hello from heaven. Seeing it brought me and many others to tears. It was like he was right there with us and knew we needed a tangible sign.

Sweet Josh

As I've said, I have been so touched by the outpouring of support. Three of my roommates from college (who I also ran track with) decided a few weeks before the race that they were going to fly/drive in from out of town to run. These are the same roommates I was supposed to have a girls' weekend with a couple days before Josh passed away but I had decided to stay home (now I know why). Having these ladies in town made the race weekend extra special. Also, my uncle and his girlfriend (both runners) drove 7 hours after working all day AND coaching a cross country meet to come run the race.

We were blessed with gorgeous weather on race day. Our team met early for our Team Josh picture, kindly taken by my brother-in-law. Unfortunately we were missing about 10 people in the picture due to traffic and the chaos of parking and people. When I look at this picture, it warms my heart. What a wonderful show of unity, support, and friendship!

Team Josh

I also had out of town family tell me that they wore their Team Josh shirts on race day. All the teachers at my daughter's daycare wanted the shirts. We had 85 actual participants in the race yet I ordered 138 shirts! What a showing of support!

There were some touching moments on race day. What I LOVE about running is that it is for anyone and everyone. All ages, shapes, sizes, and speeds can do it. Half of running is not about physical fitness but mental stamina. There is a special quality about running that is hard to put into words. Especially races like this one when there are close to 6,000 runners. It is truly inspirational. One highlight of the day was when a friend of mine (who is relatively new to running) who was signed up for the 5 mile race decided to push herself a little further to see how far she could go. Wouldn't you know it she did the entire 13.1 half marathon and proudly proclaimed that she didn't walk one step! What an accomplishment! I am in awe of her courage and strength as most would not be able to do that! She said that she was thinking of Josh the whole way and actually chatted with another woman about Josh's story and that inspired that lady to keep going when she wanted to give up.

Another highlight was that at the 5 mile point where the five mile racers finished and the half marathoners continued on (looking longingly at all of those who were done!), my friend from college was cheering me on from the sideline. She had completed her five mile race. She saw me running alone since I had separated from a few other friends at that point and started running with me to keep me company. Wouldn't you know that she ran the rest of the race with me! It was such a blessing to have her by my side helping me stay motivated, especially over the 5,873 hills! As I came up to the finish line I did get a little emotional. Everyone was cheering and I had such an overwhelming feeling of joy, sadness, love, and hope all at once. After the race I had so many people come up to me - people waited around for me to finish (probably wishing I was a much faster runner!!) so they could give me a hug. I was also told that many other runners were asking Team Josh runners about our team and were inspired by it. We had so many bystanders cheering for us too as we all ran.

Although this wasn't related to Team Josh, I was also moved when the last runner was coming in the final stretch towards the finish line. About 8 motorcycle police officers were driving behind her and were making their sirens turn off and on. Everyone looked over and hundreds of people started cheering. Here was this woman who was the last one to cross the finish line when most runners had already gone home. And she was just as important as the winner of the race. She didn't give up and she did it. What guts she had to finish that race. I don't know her but I sure am proud of her.

The day was completely amazing and a week later I still hear people talking about it or asking about it. Here are the stats:

85 Registered Runners

136 Donations to date

totaling

$6,575.00

Just a wonderful example of when there is a will, there is a way. With the love, support, and help from everyone we were able to pull this off and have a wonderful day honoring my sweet boy. Thank you to everyone for your kindness and for helping raise money to help prevent this from happening to another family.

Here are a few more pictures from the big day. Unfortunately I can't adequately post and capture every single picture I have but hopefully these give an idea of the spirit of the day: 

Ben proudly showing off his medal.

So close to the finish line!

My awesome University of Delaware track roommates!!

Cooling down with my friend Danielle.

My training partners Elaine and Amy

Jenn and Emily - two more amazingly supportive friends!

Ben is still holding onto that medal. :)

Laura, the best sister in the world!

We will ALWAYS be Team Josh

 

Kindness

I wanted to share a wonderful gift that was given to me by a complete stranger. After Josh passed away I had decided I wanted to get a memory quilt made from some of his things. One of my friends told me about her friend's mother who likes to quilt. My friend had broached the subject with her and then put me in touch with her. Shortly afterwards we set up a time to meet to go over my "vision" of the quilt. I was also told immediately that she wanted to make this for me for free. What an amazing thing to do for someone she had never met before!

Initially we had planned for her to show me examples of designs using the material I gave her and she would send these electronically so I could then give her feedback before she actually started sewing. However, a few days later she emails me saying that her software wasn't working and would I trust her to come up with the design? My initial thought, being the Type A person that I am, is that I really wanted to have input on what the final product would look like. However after thinking about it, I decided that it would be just one more thing to stress over and worry about and perhaps I should have faith that she would do a great job. What's that saying? "Leave it up to the professionals"?  I'm SO glad that her software broke because if it hadn't I don't think the quilt would have turned out so amazing!

What a gift we were given! This quilt is something we will treasure for the rest of our lives. It includes material from his sheets, clothing, burp cloths, moby wrap, nursing cover, car seat cover, crib dust ruffle, blankets, bath towel, and activity mat. We now have this beautiful, tangible piece of our baby that is able to tell the story of his happy life. I cannot thank this woman enough for all of the time and effort she put into making this perfect tribute to Josh. I also can't thank my good friend (whom I had borrowed a lot of baby stuff from) enough for letting me have some of the items Josh used so they could be incorporated into the blanket. People are so generous and thoughtful!
I am forever grateful for this perfect, perfect gift. Mommy loves you Josh!

Adjustments and observations

It's been awhile since my last post, mainly because I have been so busy that I haven't had a chance to sit and write anything. We went to the beach in mid-August. This trip was planned even before Josh was born and, although we weren't able to bring him with us, getting away was still a welcome break for us. We were all pretty sad the night before we left since it felt like we were missing this big piece of the puzzle that is our family. As I was packing I kept thinking about how many fewer things we needed to bring. No need for a pack-n-play, bottles, breast pump, diapers, wipes, burp cloths, etc. Logistically it was a lot easier not having to worry about the baby stuff, however it was not better. It just didn't feel right packing up for this vacation without an important member of our family. We decided to bring his picture with us - we've had one up on our fridge since the day after he died and we put it on the fridge at the beach house. Overall, we had a really nice time - the kids picked out shells and brought back their favorite ones to put on Josh's grave. I also saw lots of white birds flying out over the ocean throughout the week. Almost every time I looked at the water. I'm sure I'm reading into it, but I couldn't help but think it was some sort of sign that Josh was was still there with us. The day we drove home from the beach I struggled. It was like I was smacked in the face again that we'd have to go back to our normal lives without him. While we were at the beach having fun with the kids with no agenda, it was easier to trick ourselves and suppress those thoughts that Josh isn't around. I think the combination of coming home and back to our house without him really hit me hard.

Since the beach, we have gotten back into the routine of school and after school activities of soccer and scouts. The kids overall are doing well. The first week back at school was a bit rough and I honestly wasn't prepared for it. Some kids were asking questions and making comments about Josh (just being normal kids!) and I didn't anticipate these questions or the stress it would cause the boys. Luckily our kids go to a terrific school with amazing teachers who truly care and their teachers were able to help ease that stress for them. I felt badly that I didn't prepare the kids well enough and that now they had to worry about being embarrassed or having unwanted attention on top of missing their brother. But, being a rookie at this whole thing I am trying not to dwell on this and am chalking it up to a learning experience. Luckily the kids have settled in since then and the attention has faded a bit.

I've also had some friends lately apologize to me for things they've said to me about their lives or families when we've talked. This has happened several times over the past few months - when chatting with a friend she might mention something she is dealing with or going through. Then I will get an apology from her because she feels shallow for discussing her life issues which aren't as serious as losing a child. I remember when my friend lost her son a year and a half ago. I had NO idea what to say to her. Do I bring up her son in conversation? If I ask her how she is doing will she break down and cry? If I mention her son's name will that ruin her night? If I don't acknowledge or ask about her son will she be upset or offended? If I talk about what's going on in my life will she think I'm being selfish? It seems like a no win situation. What I've told my friends since losing Josh is this: Just because my child died doesn't mean that other people's stress and lives are any less significant. I don't want people to have to measure their words around me. It actually feels good to talk about the "normal" stuff - school, childcare, whining kids, etc. We all have things we have to deal with and they are valid and important and I want to hear them. I don't mind talking about Josh. Sometimes I may shed a tear, depending on my mood at the time, but usually I won't. I haven't changed as a person (I hope) and still want to talk about both important things AND unimportant things (like reality tv!). Although everyone is different, this is what works for me. I don't want people walking on egg shells around me. In some ways, the 8 year old classmates my oldest son Jake has have it right. They don't have a filter and they say what they are thinking - which in a way is refreshing.

My other observation as of late is that I'm getting a bit more fed up with the lack of decency we have as a society. Rude people at the grocery store, young twenty-somethings dancing inappropriately on national tv, people with a sense of entitlement and a "me first" attitude. I don't know if I'm just paying more attention to these things now or if I'm become more pessimistic, but it's disheartening. I'm hoping that I just happen to be noticing these things more and not that they are becoming more commonplace. Regardless, I find myself trying to make more of an effort to be friendly to people. This world is a tough, tough place but if my 3 minute interaction with the grocery store clerk can brighten her day then I've helped. If talking to my kids about self respect and treating others with respect can help prevent them from looking up to celebrities who don't treat themselves respectfully then I've helped. If holding the door for someone and modeling positive treatment of others can influence even one person, then I've helped. What I've learned these past 3 months is that life is SO darn short. We only have one. We don't know what tomorrow will bring. So live today as best as you can. Treat others how you'd want to be treated. And if you die tomorrow at least you will die leaving this world a slightly better place than the day before.

Josh has officially been gone longer than he has lived. It's hard to believe it's been 3 1/2 months since we've lost him. I treasure the pictures and videos I have of him. Sometimes I just have to watch a little 30 second video of him to get my Josh "fix". It helps me feel closer to him and keep his memory alive. Mommy loves you Josh!!

Learning to expect and accept the unexpected

The last few weeks have been a struggle for me. I've been going through the normal grief stuff but there is no alert to the rest of the world that I'm grieving. Sometimes I want to wave a sign that says, "Hey! Cut me a break! I'm grieving!". And unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), there is no pause button on life just because I'm sad and mourning. The last few weeks have been particularly challenging. I feel like a whiner because in the grand scheme of things these are small potatoes but I'm also human and my threshold for stress is a bit lower than usual for obvious reasons.

The pace at work has been non-stop. Normally I thrive on being busy and roll with issues that come up pretty easily (hey, I work in mental health so I always expect the unexpected!) but lately it just seems it's one thing after another.
So work being one stressor lately, we also have been dealing with being a one car family. My husband was in a fender bender a few weeks before Josh died. While waiting for the adjustor to take a look at it, we ended up in the throes of our nightmare and had to delay it. Well, a few weeks ago they deemed it a total loss which meant bye bye to the truck. We thought about keeping it but given the age and condition of it, mileage, it made better sense to get rid of it. So, since we had the unexpected expense of paying for a funeral we decided to wait a bit to buy something. Which meant that I was driving 3 kids and a husband everywhere. I already have a long commute but 2.5 hours in the car/day driving everyone around on top of work does not make for a happy mommy.

After pursuing a few leads on trucks for sale on craigslist that didn't pan out we had set up to look at a truck after the seller got off work. Now, I deal with craigslist as a buyer and seller on a regular basis so I know how unpredictable it can be. So, that day, after a crazy day at work, rushing to get grocery shopping done because we had no food, pick up one kid from camp, stop at another store to pick up soon-to-be 3 year old's birthday cake and getting held up since they didn't decorate it(!), stop home to throw groceries in the house, stop to get other two kids, then go get the husband so we can go meet this guy at 6pm. What happens next you ask? At 5:55 as we are 5 minutes away he texts my husband to say, "sorry, the truck has been sold". I was SO mad and upset and immediately burst into tears. I just felt so defeated. I was tired, cranky, stressed, and so OVER being the family chauffeur. And honestly I was mad. I was mad that nothing seemed to be going our way and we couldn't catch a break. Obviously God thinks I'm more resilient than I give myself credit for because for whatever reason He continues to challenge us.

Since then we did have success with a "new to us" truck on craigslist and I can now have some relief from all the driving. It has been really hard though to not feel sorry for myself sometimes. However I try to remind myself that even though I'm emotional and tired and stressed out, it could always be worse. And this whole truck situation taught me that the normal life hassles and inconveniences are going to continue and that I need to expect them. Just because Josh passed away doesn't mean I get a pass on these things. I may complain and whine about them but have to remind myself that there are people in this world who have it a lot worse than I do.

Besides grappling with that realization, I've also been struggling with feeling like I'm not keeping up my end of the friendship bargain. My friends have been SO supportive to me these past few months. I know it's not been any fun for them this summer either but they have been there. Texting me, making a funny comment to make me smile, calling me, emailing, giving a hug, etc. etc. Maybe it's the Catholic in me, but I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I haven't had the time or energy to really give my friends the attention I normally would. Rationally, I know they don't expect much from me right now, but emotionally I just feel badly. Especially since I want to be able to give them the time and attention they deserve. I know this will get easier as more time passes and I know I need to cut myself a break because if the roles were reversed I wouldn't think twice about it. What Josh's death has shown me is how truly amazing my friends (and family!) are. Friends near and far, friends old and new have blown me away with their support. 

So, I guess my take home message with this post is two-fold. 1: I need to realize that sometimes things just suck and although I'm human and can whine and complain, I need to remind myself that these minor life annoyances (like the truck) are really stupid and don't matter in the big picture.  Sometimes it's unfair, irritating, and upsetting. Sometimes you don't want to deal with it and the thought of another day like that one makes you cringe. But somehow you keep moving forward and it all works out in the end, one way or another. Even when feeling down and out, just having the faith to keep on going is what helps you overcome whatever obstacle you are facing.  And, 2: Having good friends is completely awesome. They are patient, understanding, and know just when you need a pick me up. They give you the strength to get you through those days when you just want to cringe because life has thrown you a curve ball in some way. They are rock stars. Good friendships are to be cherished.

Oh the emotions of it all

I feel like I've been a bit more emotional this week. At church on Sunday I cried throughout almost the entire mass. Something about being at church, surrounded by people we see almost every week (no we aren't perfect Catholics and occasionally skip a mass here or there), the music, the readings, the feeling I get just being there stirs up the emotions. In some ways I think going to church has been helpful because it's a time for me to sit and feel. It's hard to just sit and feel at home when I have the day to day tasks of the house and kids to take care of. The same goes for work. Today for example I felt near tears all day long but didn't have the time or space to sit and allow myself to cry. After mass this weekend a sweet lady who sits near us each week asked me what was the matter and asked "Where is the baby?" She ends up crying too and hugging me when I tell her he died. There is another woman who I ended up sobbing with during our first time back to church after Josh's death. She had come up to me once in our church gathering space while I was pregnant with Josh (Leah was being too loud so I had to take her out of the mass). She is older than me but said she has the same order of kids: boy, boy, girl, boy. Since that time we had shared a few smiles and knowing nods when my boys were acting up. As we were leaving during that first mass after his funeral she grabbed me and held me and told me she was praying for me and reassuring me that Josh was in a better place. I've had several other people come up to me, telling me they had just heard what happened and lending a consoling hug. It's amazing to me that these people, whose names I don't even know, are mourning with me. We happen to just go to the same mass each week and tend to sit in the same area of the church. Yet they are our family and are feeling our pain with us and praying for us.

This week I received a copy of the police report and the EMS report from the day Josh died. Reading through them was difficult because I got a mental picture of the scene and what was happening when the paramedics got to the house. Their account of all the things they did to try to save him was heart wrenching because next to each attempt to revive him via CPR or administering medication to him was "no response". Reading it I could just feel the complete hopelessness of the situation and I was immediately brought back to that day and everything we went through. I was able to email the chaplain who baptized him and express our gratitude for his presence and ability to perform that meaningful act for us. It's easy to overlook all who were involved that day - the chaplain, nurses, social worker, doctors, paramedics, police, etc. I'm sure it was hard for all of them, even if it's their job. But their presence and role they all played that day meant so much to us.

I've had a few instances out in public since Josh died when people have asked me how many children I have. This question has proven really hard to answer. On the one hand I don't want to burden strangers with our sad news, so saying three seems fitting. They are just asking a simple question and I don't want them to have to feel awkward or feel like they are upsetting me. However by only saying three children I feel like I'm betraying Josh. He IS my child and always will be. By only saying I have three children feels wrong. So I'm starting to practice saying (with the advice of a friend who lost her infant son a few years ago) I have four children, one is in heaven. It will depend on the situation of course and sometimes I may not feel like having to explain myself so saying three will be more appropriate. But Josh will forever be my child and he should get the recognition he deserves!

I also read recently that my birthday is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day (October 15th). Bittersweet that now I'll always have a reminder of my loss on my birthday but also nice because I will always be reminded of Josh on my birthday. I can't think of Josh without thinking of losing him and I can't think of what I've lost without thinking about Josh. I wish the two were separate entities but that just isn't possible.

Josh continues to be missed each and every minute of every day. He is always on my mind, even when I'm not directly thinking about him. Mommy loves you Josh!

If you build it, they will come

Prior to Josh's death I had talked with a few girlfriends about doing a race this fall. We decided to do the Bull City Race Fest which offers both a 5 mile run and a half marathon through Downtown Durham neighborhoods. I was sitting on my couch with my lap top last week after putting the kids to bed and went to register. I then saw that you could register as part of a team - people were registering with coworkers, running clubs, and other organizations. The light bulb went off. I could register and start Team Josh to raise money for SIDS research and awareness. I had learned of the CJ SIDS Foundation through my sister who is participating in an event for them. Although we don't know yet if Josh's death will be ruled as SIDS (and won't know for up to six months), I figured it's a great cause regardless so why not? So, Team Josh was created. I then created a donor page for him through the CJ SIDS Foundation website.

Then comes the inspiring part. I created an event on Facebook called "Team Josh at Bull City Race Fest" detailing the goal of Team Josh and within mere minutes I had people signing up. Within 2 days I had over 30 people signed up, some I had never even met! Some who are not runners but have decided to start running to train for this race. It is incredibly uplifting and heartwarming to see not only friends but friends of friends come together to support not only my family but a wonderful cause. 

 
Here are the details of the event: 

What: Team Josh at Bull City Race Fest

Where: American Tobacco Campus 

When: Sunday, October 20^th at 7:30a.m.

Why: To raise money for the CJ SIDS Foundation

How: Join Team Josh then tell friends and family about Josh’s donor page to help raise money.

Who: YOU!!

As a way to honor Josh as well as raise money for SIDS research, I have created "Team Josh" for the Bull City Race Fest. This is a race on October 20th in Downtown Durham. You can choose to do the half marathon or the 5 mile run. Although we don't know for sure if Josh died from SIDS (and probably won't know for several months), I would love to raise money for SIDS research. My plan is to reach out to friends who would like to run (or walk fast!) and be part of "Team Josh". I have created a donor page for the CJ SIDS Foundation which does a lot to raise money and awareness for SIDS research and prevention. Here is what you can do:

1. Register for either the 5 mile or the half marathon at www.bullcityracefest.com. Make sure you select "Team Josh" during registration.

2. Spread the word to your friends and family that you are raising money for SIDS research. Invite others to join Team Josh and run. This is the website for Josh's donor page: http://cjsids.donorpages.com/Memorial/JoshuaSmedley/

3. Email me at kellysmedley@gmail.com that you have registered for Team Josh and send me your t-shirt size. I plan to get "Team Josh" t-shirts made and will give yours to you prior to race day. If you have friends who want to be part of Team Josh have them do the same. The more, the merrier!

4. Have fun running for a great cause!

You don't have to run in order to donate - you can direct people to his donor page even if you can't run. Thank you so much for your consideration. And please, no pressure - if you can't or don't want to run your prayers are still appreciated, not only for us but for others who have lost children.

So, that's the deal. As of this writing there are 38 people signed up for the race and over $1400 already raised from Josh's donor page. Amazing! I wonder what the numbers will be by the time of my next blog post. 

If you build it, they will come! Mommy loves you Josh! 

One month

It's hard to believe that it's been one month since we lost Josh. It has felt like it has been so much longer since he's been with us. I miss him so much and at times still feel like it hasn't fully hit me yet that he is gone forever. I will often daydream about him and try to imagine myself holding him or nursing him or watching him smile. I try to think about the little things we'd do together such as me talking to him while changing him, him grabbing onto my hair while I burped him, or just simply him sleeping on my chest.

Over the past month I've had some moments of self-pity, asking the question, "why us?" I get angry that this happened to us. We've tried to lead honest, hard-working lives. We try to be kind to others and treat others well. We try to volunteer our time to our community where we can. So why does something horrible like this happen to US? Why doesn't it happen to those evil, bad people in the world (not that I would wish the loss of a child on anyone)? It is frustrating because we try to do everything the right way and then losing Josh is the thanks we get.

I've discussed with my husband that for years in the back of my mind I've had the fear that something would happen to one of my children. At the time I thought it was normal mom feelings but I think now that perhaps on some level I knew. Not sure if it's intuition or what but now that it's happened and my child was taken from me suddenly and without apparent reason, I can only hold onto the hope that someday I will know why this happened. The fact is, no matter what, Josh isn't coming back. As much as I want to I can't change it. I could spend the rest of my life bitter about it but that won't do me or my family any good. I could feel sorry for myself but that won't change anything. So my choice is to be miserable or to choose to live my life as best as I can going forward. Of course I will allow myself to be sad, to grieve, to get angry about the hand I was dealt. But I have 3 other children who need me as well as a husband. I have coworkers and patients who rely on me. Right now I'm taking it one day at a time and just doing the best I can. If I feel like crying I will cry, if I feel like laughing I will laugh. It is extremely emotionally exhausting going through this because no matter what, Josh is always in the back of my mind. It seems like every interaction and experience is now tainted because he is gone. I assume with time that will get better.

Although it's difficult, I've been trying to find things to be thankful for. I'm thankful that Josh died peacefully in his sleep. He didn't suffer. There are so, so many children who battle long illnesses and are in pain and suffer before they die. I'm thankful that Josh was still a sweet, innocent baby when he died. My memories of him are nothing but positive. He never did one thing wrong and was perfect in every way. I am also thankful of a choice I made regarding the weekend before he died. I was supposed to be going on a girls' weekend with my college roommates. It was going to be a reunion of sorts as we hadn't all been together since college and it was planned for almost a year. I had really wanted to go but was conflicted about it. It was going to be the weekend after I returned to work. I would have had to take another day off and had already extended my maternity leave by a week in order to take a family trip out to Colorado for my nephew's baptism. I knew if I went it would be stressful for work reasons but also because I knew I'd not fully enjoy myself after being away at work all week and then being gone that whole weekend. I would just miss Josh too much. I'd miss my other kids too but there is something about being away from your baby that is different and really makes your heart hurt. So, in the end I decided not to go for the roommate reunion. Now I know why I didn't go - Josh died that Monday. If I had gone I would forever have guilt that I didn't spend enough time with him that weekend. In a way I think God knew that would tear me up so He led me to the right decision. I'm so thankful I chose to miss out on a really fun weekend in order to stay home. Those extra couple days with him is precious extra time I got to spend with him. 

Most of all I'm thankful Josh was in my life. He brought a joy to our family and still does. We had debated for a long time about having a fourth child and I still say it's the best decision I've ever made. Having 3 months with Josh is better than none at all. His short life touched so many people in so many ways that I have to have faith that his life was part of a bigger plan. Hopefully one day when I see Josh again in heaven (hopefully I end up there!) I will be told by him and God what was the real reason for Josh's short life here on earth. Until then I plan to be thankful for the time I had with him and try to make him proud with the way I carry out the rest of my life without him. Mommy loves you Josh!

The Week After

The days following Josh's death were weird. I know it's an odd thing to say but it was a jumble of emotions and experiences that we won't forget. The main challenge for me was feeling so hollow. I felt like I was walking around in a daze. And the tears. Who knew so many tears could come out of one person? I had little to no appetite and my taste buds were numb - food had no appeal or taste to me. I lost 3 pounds in 3 days. Sleep was evading me.

What's that saying? Don't kick me when I'm down? Well, I felt like I was the butt of a cruel joke because even after my sweet baby died, I was still producing milk. It was so disheartening to me to have to pump even though my baby was gone. I would do it in his room, crying. After a few times I accepted that this was just something I had to do while I weaned my body and in a way I actually began looking forward to having to do it. It allowed me to have quiet time alone in Josh's room, feeling connected to him in a way only we shared.

That week is a blur in many ways. We had so many things to do and so many people in and out of the house, dropping by, out of town visitors, family and friends. In many ways it kept us going and was so helpful having so many people pitching in, making sure not only we were fed but our visitors were too. It actually at times felt like a big party because we had plenty of good food, alcohol, and company the few nights surrounding the funeral. My phone didn't stop between all the texts, emails, and calls I received. We did have to deal with visits and calls from the sheriff's office and child protective services so they could do their reports since Josh died while in a daycare. We also visited his daycare the day after he died - it was very helpful for us to hear his daycare lady describe to us the details of the day before and also to get some closure to visit where he passed away. His daycare lady is so strong and wonderful and we remain so thankful to her for trying to save his life. We only wish she didn't have to experience such a traumatic event.

My husband and I had to go to the funeral home and talk about what type of casket we wanted for Josh, the program we wanted, the prayer cards we wanted, and the obituary. All things that two days before we'd never dreamed we'd be talking about. Writing my own child's obituary had not been on my to-do list for that week. How things can change when we least expect it. The funeral home staff were amazing and in the midst of our sorrow, my husband and I would joke  to each other about how they are almost too understanding. They speak so calmly and slowly it's almost to the point of sounding really exaggerated. I think if we weren't so sad we would have been laughing hysterically about it.

When we went to pick out Josh's burial plot we were pleasantly surprised that the guy in charge of the cemetery was the same man who came to the hospital to give us communion the day after Josh was born. In a way it was comforting to us that this man was present as we welcomed our son into the world and was now helping us as we picked out where he would be laid to rest. We had a bit of a dilemma while picking out the plot - the plots he initially showed us were nice but I spotted a tree that was a little more secluded and in a prettier spot. Unfortunately the plots near it were taken however the cemetery guy made an "executive" decision and was able to create a new plot for Josh in front of the tree since he didn't require a full size plot. Josh was able to get the perfect spot that we wanted for his final resting place - under that tree. For some reason it just felt right to us - like the tree was protecting him and forever watching over him.

My husband and I decided we wanted to write Josh's eulogy together. I had been so completely busy all week that I hadn't had a chance to write my part. So, the night before his visitation I went up in his nursery with my lap top so I could try to write it in peace. Not long after I started a big thunderstorm came through and our power went out. Our power never goes out but that night it was out for a couple hours. I actually was able to continue working on the eulogy because I had battery power. It was a little surreal writing it with no lights on but also I think it helped me focus and feel connected to him as I wrote. And maybe it was God's way of providing me with the setting in which to write the perfect send-off for my sweet boy.

We were overwhelmed by the amount of people who attended both his visitation and funeral. From coworkers, friends, family, out of town friends, and people we've only met a few times; it was very heartwarming to have all the people we care about come and pay their respects. I had complained to my husband that I didn't think we had that many pictures of Josh but then realized as we organized them we actually have a lot. We were able to display lots of pictures of him so everyone could get a sense of how special (and cute!) he was.

There were even some funny moments the day of Josh's funeral.  Of course we couldn't find my 5 year old Ben's nice shoe - we had one but not the other. So, as is typical of Ben since he marches to the beat of his own drummer, he wore sneakers with his suit to the service. Prior to that week I probably would have been stressing about it, but I had a whole new perspective by then. Who cares what shoes he wore to his brother's funeral? On the way to the church we were talking to the kids about bringing up the gifts. We wanted them to do it but didn't want to put pressure on them if they didn't want to. At first Ben said he didn't want to (at my sister's wedding last fall he got stage fright when it was his turn to walk down the aisle) so we discussed maybe having Jake (my 8 year old) and a couple of his friends do it. After a minute Ben says, "Okay, I'm in!". The way he said it was hysterical. We were so proud of him for stepping up and participating in Josh's mass. Another funny thing was driving from the church to the cemetery. There was some bike event with tons of people biking in funny hats and costumes. So we have this mass of funny looking bikers having to stop their ride to allow the procession through. Totally random.

It was humbling to see the long line of cars driving from the church to the cemetery. At the entrance of the cemetery a police officer stood with his hand over his heart. That was extremely touching to me. Perhaps they do that for every funeral but it made me feel good and was an outward display of how special Josh was.

Although that week after Josh died was extremely hard and painful, it was also very special. Having family here helping take care of the kids, taking care of the food, folding laundry, and doing numerous other mundane tasks without batting an eye was a testament to the love we all have for each other. My sister playing with my hair and rubbing my shoulders, my friend bringing me cosmo mix and cleaning my bathroom because she knew we had people coming over, my mom getting in an argument with the pharmacy because there was an issue with the script and she refused to leave without getting a pill since she knew I needed something to help me sleep. My mother in law crying with me, my father in law taking the car seat and stroller out of my van because I couldn't bear to do it. Everyone surrounded us with love and support and I truly believe that is what kept us going.

The day after the funeral we decided was the second worst day of our lives. Everyone had left the night before and reality smacked us in the face. We had been able to distract ourselves with all the activity and now those distractions were gone. The grief we felt that day was awful - I remember texting my sister in law saying "I'm not sure how we are going to be able to do this." The day dragged on forever - and by then my kids had been home for a week, completely out of their routine, and completely getting on one another's nerves. All I wanted to do was to curl up and cry all day but I couldn't. I forced myself to go outside while the kids played and we actually all went to the pool just to get out of the house. However the pool was just another reminder to us because just the week before Josh had been with us when we were there. We realized that this was our new reality - everything we did from then on would be a "first" without Josh. That night at dinner was probably the hardest "first" for us. Normally we all hold hands and say grace before dinner with Josh right there with us. Not having him there for that first dinner together since his death was so upsetting and we both cried through the prayer. Our table for so long had felt incomplete before we had him and once he was with us our family felt whole. Not having him there felt (and still feels) completely wrong - like there was this invisible hole now that will never be filled. We pray to Josh now every night at dinner which makes us feel like he is with us on some level.

That week was so, so hard but also showed us the goodness in people. So many people inconvenienced their busy lives to come be with us, cry with us, and show their love for us. We feel so blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful people as we know not everyone is so lucky. Our burden was lessened by all the support we got (and still are) getting. My only regret is Josh will never have a chance to grow up and get to know all these great people in our lives. But I guess he actually is, just while he's up in heaven. Mommy loves you Josh! 

The day we lost our sweet boy

It seems like a cliche but the day we lost our sweet Josh was a day that started out like any other. It was a Monday. I had been back to work for only one week after returning from maternity leave so we were still getting into the family groove of getting everyone out the door. That morning I was changing Josh as my husband got the other 3 kids moving. He took an extra minute to come in and tickle Josh while he was on the changing table, getting a few smiles and giggles out of him. As he and the kids left the house I was nursing Josh on the family room couch. I said goodbye to everyone and little did I know that was the last time our family of six would all be in our house together.
After I finished nursing Josh I put him in his carrier in the kitchen while I got my coffee and lunch together. I remember talking to him as he watched me with fascination - like me rushing around the kitchen like a crazy woman was quite entertaining. We left for his daycare. I was so lucky to have found a wonderful in-home daycare literally 2 minutes from our house in the next neighborhood over. That morning I got him out of his seat and gave him lots of kisses. I'm so thankful I did that because sometimes I would leave him strapped in his carrier if there was a lot of activity with drop offs so his daycare lady would have a couple minutes before she had to attend to him. But that morning I got him out and I told him "Mommy's going to miss you!" At the time I was thinking it would just be until the end of the day I'd have to be away from him. Never would I have imagined it would be the rest of my life.

Work that morning was pretty typical. I remember starting to feel like I was back in my groove at work - I had the week prior to get organized and now I felt in control. Around 1:00pm I texted Josh's daycare lady to check in. She said he was napping but he would probably be up soon for his bottle. I then got a text from my husband saying he was feeling uneasy about a tornado watch (of which I didn't know about) since our oldest was at an outdoor camp. My husband later told me that he was unusually anxious then - to the point where he couldn't sit still and coworkers were asking him if he was ok. He thought he was worried about the tornado watch but we think on some level he could sense something was really wrong. I texted him to go pick up our son from camp if he was that worried. One minute later I got a text from Josh's daycare lady saying, "Call me please". I had about 3 people standing outside my office talking to me when I called her. She tells me "Kelly he's not breathing!" All I remember was shouting into the phone, "He's not breathing?!", grabbing my purse and bolting out of my office building and sprinting to my car. She told me that the paramedics were there working on him. I told her I was going to call my husband so as I'm running I'm trying to call him. He picks up immediately and I scream at him that Josh isn't breathing and he needs to get to the daycare (he was only 10 minutes away while I was 30 minutes). I told him I'd call him back in a few minutes and then Josh's daycare lady calls back to tell me the paramedics were taking him to Duke. I then call my husband back and tell him to go straight to Duke. He wouldn't let me get off the phone, wanting to ensure that we both got to the hospital safely. I don't remember much about that ride except that I had my flashers on, I ran a few red lights, and it was pouring rain. I kept saying, "my sweet boy" (what I called Josh) over and over again and would start panicking. My husband got to the hospital before him and I could hear him shouting at the security guard as he ran into the ER. Then a social worker got on his cell phone and calmly stayed on the line with me, giving me directions of exactly where to go. I could hear them bring Josh in over the phone and through the phone I could hear my husband crying and shouting. I asked the social worker what was going on and she would only tell me that they were "working on him".

I pulled up to the ER and threw my keys to someone while a nurse or social worker met me at my car and rushed me in. The second I saw him I knew my sweet boy was already gone. I only saw part of his leg because there were so many people around him working on him. They ushered my husband and me into the room and someone told me to get up near his head. We were both screaming and crying and weeping like we never have before. I kept repeating, "my sweet boy" and stroked his arm and nuzzled his cheek while they continued CPR on him. My husband and I kept telling him we loved him over and over. I could hear the doctor giving orders to inject certain meds, to stop and check for a pulse. My baby was lifeless and colorless on the table and I knew he was gone. There was a pastor there so as they were still performing cpr I asked him to baptize him (Josh was supposed to be baptized less than 2 weeks later). For some reason I needed to have him baptized even though I knew he had already passed. The pastor quickly laid his hands on Josh's head and baptized him. Shortly after that I could hear them talk above me and the attending asked everyone if anyone had any other ideas or suggestions of what they could try. That was the moment when it really set in that this was really happening. No one had any ideas so they stopped cpr. All I remember was my husband crying in my ear and holding me up as I kissed Josh and held his little hand. The nurses quickly unhooked him from all the monitors and swaddled him and handed him to me as someone got me a seat. He still had the tube down his throat and as they gave him to me the tube made a gurgling noise. For a split second I had the irrational hope that he had taken a breath but it was just the leftover fluid trapped in the tube. My husband and I kept talking to him, saying how much we loved him and that we would see him again soon and we would never, ever forget him. We cried and wept and told Josh that he would always be with us.

Eventually they moved us into a more private room and a very sweet nurse and social worker remained with us as we cried and asked questions and let it sink in that we just lost our sweet boy. After awhile we were able to compose ourselves enough to call our parents. The social worker offered to do it for us but we didn't want them to hear the news from a stranger. It is awful knowing, as the phone is ringing, that we were about to totally alter our parents' lives. I then called my sister who lives nearby and she headed right over. We made a few more calls to get our other kids picked up and taken care of. We then spent more time holding Josh and just watching his perfect little face. The police came in to speak to us briefly and then the guy who takes care of the deceased came in. We also got a visit from a priest who performed a small prayer service while we held Josh. Looking back I'm glad we got to spend so much time holding him because it allowed us time to process and get over some of the initial shock of it all. I have never felt more hollow and empty in my whole life. I almost fainted at one point and had to lay down due to the physical toll my emotions were causing. We had to field lots of questions about the medical examiner, the autopsy, transportation of the body, and all sorts of details we didn't want to think about. Finally, the decedent care guy came with what looked like a box but they put a little baby blanket in which apparently is supposed to make you feel better about placing your baby in it. I wanted to put Josh in it because I didn't want this strange man we didn't know doing it. My husband and I whispered to Josh how much we loved him and kissed him and then we had to finally leave. It was so difficult to leave him there in that stupid box. It was so hard walking out of that hospital knowing that our life would be totally different from then on.

Somehow we drove home, completely numb. I was nauseous and almost threw up. My sister had picked up my younger two for us and my husband went to pick up our oldest who had been picked up from camp by a friend. We then had to sit down and tell our 3 kids that their youngest brother died. Jake, my 8 year old, and Ben, my 5 year old both immediately got upset. Leah, my 2 year old didn't understand of course but knew something was up since we were all crying. We sat there for awhile, letting the boys cry and scream and pound the floor and yell some more. It was a really sad scene and it was SO hard providing comfort to them and trying to reassure them that Josh was in a better place when I was so upset myself. Eventually we all calmed down enough to eat a little pizza brought over by my brother-in-law and I think we made some more calls and got the kids ready for bed. We offered for Jake and Ben to sleep in our room that night but only Ben wanted to. The details are fuzzy but I think we eventually just cried ourselves to sleep.

The details of what happened that day are pretty straightforward. Josh had a great morning playing, eating, and napping. He went down for his second nap around lunchtime. Sometime between the sleep checks by his daycare lady he had passed away. She immediately attempted CPR and we are so thankful she tried to save his life. We are heartbroken for her and the turmoil it has caused her to deal with this tragedy and the ensuing routine investigation by the state and other agencies. We tried to donate Josh's organs but were unable to since it was unclear exactly how long he had been gone for before being found. The hospital also gave us some booties and a knit hat as well as a blanket they wrapped him in. We refused all of it because we didn't want these meaningless things that were supposed to somehow make us feel better. The initial autopsy results can find no obvious problems with his organs or any signs of a physical cause for Josh's death. We will have to wait several weeks or even months to get the final results of the testing.

Although it's only been a few weeks since Josh's death, I have told people that day and the emotions and feelings that resulted from it are not something I would wish on my worst enemy. If there is anything positive that can be derived from such a horrible situation, it's two things I've learned: 1. I'm not afraid to die anymore, and 2. I now have the confidence that I can handle anything.

I don't plan for most of my blog posts to be this long but it is therapeutic for me to write out and remember the details of the day we lost our sweet boy. I'm not sure how often I will post or what I will write on this blog but it's a start for me on the road towards healing.