I miss him and have never wanted something so badly. Two years ago almost to the exact time as I write this post Josh passed away. A part of me still can't believe it. A part of me is still in shock and still reeling from the trauma. I hate these stupid dates. June 10th will forever be a crappy day that I have to figure out how to get through each year. For weeks ahead of time it looms on the horizon - I can see it but can't get there yet. It's like it taunts me. It's in the air, it's on my mind, and I have a sense of trepidation. Kind of like the feeling you get when you have a big exam and you know you haven't studied enough and aren't fully prepared for it. It's uncomfortable and it just plain sucks. All big dates have that sense of dread - holidays, birthdays, Mother's day, etc. But today is the worst because it is THE day. The day that for reasons I still question, God called Josh to heaven.
I have been a mixed up jumble of emotions these past few months. There are times I want to cry but can't for whatever reason. I fully realize that we would not have Anna had Josh not passed away (bittersweet doesn't even come close to describing it but it's the only word I can think of). However I'm confident that God and Josh had a hand in our decision to pursue adoption as well as choosing the perfect baby for our family. Although we were open to adopting either a boy or girl I think God knew blessing us with a girl would be a bit easier for us to handle emotionally. Anna also recently surpassed the age Josh was when he died. I went back to work too - all the things that two years ago I was doing with Josh. It's hard not to let the fear get to me but I'm trying.
It's funny how life marches on and how quickly two years can go by. My heart is still beating even though a big piece is missing. In a way it's its own miracle. Time to tackle year #3 without my sweet boy. I love you so much Josh and can't wait to see you again.
