Learning to expect and accept the unexpected

The last few weeks have been a struggle for me. I've been going through the normal grief stuff but there is no alert to the rest of the world that I'm grieving. Sometimes I want to wave a sign that says, "Hey! Cut me a break! I'm grieving!". And unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), there is no pause button on life just because I'm sad and mourning. The last few weeks have been particularly challenging. I feel like a whiner because in the grand scheme of things these are small potatoes but I'm also human and my threshold for stress is a bit lower than usual for obvious reasons.

The pace at work has been non-stop. Normally I thrive on being busy and roll with issues that come up pretty easily (hey, I work in mental health so I always expect the unexpected!) but lately it just seems it's one thing after another.
So work being one stressor lately, we also have been dealing with being a one car family. My husband was in a fender bender a few weeks before Josh died. While waiting for the adjustor to take a look at it, we ended up in the throes of our nightmare and had to delay it. Well, a few weeks ago they deemed it a total loss which meant bye bye to the truck. We thought about keeping it but given the age and condition of it, mileage, it made better sense to get rid of it. So, since we had the unexpected expense of paying for a funeral we decided to wait a bit to buy something. Which meant that I was driving 3 kids and a husband everywhere. I already have a long commute but 2.5 hours in the car/day driving everyone around on top of work does not make for a happy mommy.

After pursuing a few leads on trucks for sale on craigslist that didn't pan out we had set up to look at a truck after the seller got off work. Now, I deal with craigslist as a buyer and seller on a regular basis so I know how unpredictable it can be. So, that day, after a crazy day at work, rushing to get grocery shopping done because we had no food, pick up one kid from camp, stop at another store to pick up soon-to-be 3 year old's birthday cake and getting held up since they didn't decorate it(!), stop home to throw groceries in the house, stop to get other two kids, then go get the husband so we can go meet this guy at 6pm. What happens next you ask? At 5:55 as we are 5 minutes away he texts my husband to say, "sorry, the truck has been sold". I was SO mad and upset and immediately burst into tears. I just felt so defeated. I was tired, cranky, stressed, and so OVER being the family chauffeur. And honestly I was mad. I was mad that nothing seemed to be going our way and we couldn't catch a break. Obviously God thinks I'm more resilient than I give myself credit for because for whatever reason He continues to challenge us.

Since then we did have success with a "new to us" truck on craigslist and I can now have some relief from all the driving. It has been really hard though to not feel sorry for myself sometimes. However I try to remind myself that even though I'm emotional and tired and stressed out, it could always be worse. And this whole truck situation taught me that the normal life hassles and inconveniences are going to continue and that I need to expect them. Just because Josh passed away doesn't mean I get a pass on these things. I may complain and whine about them but have to remind myself that there are people in this world who have it a lot worse than I do.

Besides grappling with that realization, I've also been struggling with feeling like I'm not keeping up my end of the friendship bargain. My friends have been SO supportive to me these past few months. I know it's not been any fun for them this summer either but they have been there. Texting me, making a funny comment to make me smile, calling me, emailing, giving a hug, etc. etc. Maybe it's the Catholic in me, but I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I haven't had the time or energy to really give my friends the attention I normally would. Rationally, I know they don't expect much from me right now, but emotionally I just feel badly. Especially since I want to be able to give them the time and attention they deserve. I know this will get easier as more time passes and I know I need to cut myself a break because if the roles were reversed I wouldn't think twice about it. What Josh's death has shown me is how truly amazing my friends (and family!) are. Friends near and far, friends old and new have blown me away with their support. 

So, I guess my take home message with this post is two-fold. 1: I need to realize that sometimes things just suck and although I'm human and can whine and complain, I need to remind myself that these minor life annoyances (like the truck) are really stupid and don't matter in the big picture.  Sometimes it's unfair, irritating, and upsetting. Sometimes you don't want to deal with it and the thought of another day like that one makes you cringe. But somehow you keep moving forward and it all works out in the end, one way or another. Even when feeling down and out, just having the faith to keep on going is what helps you overcome whatever obstacle you are facing.  And, 2: Having good friends is completely awesome. They are patient, understanding, and know just when you need a pick me up. They give you the strength to get you through those days when you just want to cringe because life has thrown you a curve ball in some way. They are rock stars. Good friendships are to be cherished.