Bear Hunt

Well, we made it through Josh's birthday. I knew we would but I wasn't sure how painful it was actually going to be. The funny thing about grief is that you can't choose when it hits you. The week leading up to his birthday was probably worse than the day itself. We actually had a nice day, all things considered. We decided to skip church that morning and go on a family hike instead. The kids enjoyed counting the turtles while we hiked along the river (tally was 10 by the way). We had a picnic lunch and enjoyed the break from the nasty winter weather we'd been having for weeks. I had prayed the entire week leading up to his birthday that I would see a rainbow on his birthday. They say rainbows are signs from heaven that our children are with us. I used to be a skeptic about this until Josh died. He came in a beautiful rainbow during the pasta dinner we had the night before the Team Josh race. I see him in butterflies, lady bugs, and birds. Not all of them but there are some where I get the sense it's him coming for a visit.

Anyway, the kids wanted to get balloons and send them up to heaven. I had lost hope on seeing a rainbow since it was sixty degrees and sunny out. Wouldn't you know that the card Jake made to attach to his balloon had a rainbow in it? Some may say it was a coincidence but I know that was a sign from Josh or God or both letting me know that he is with us on his birthday. We went to visit his grave and sent off the balloons and then went out to dinner to the same restaurant we went to the night before he was born. We are hoping to go there every year on his birthday - kind of our special place to celebrate him.  

The other small thing I did in Josh's honor was request friends and family to do a random act of kindness for a stranger. It was heartwarming to hear what people were doing for others that week and to know some good is coming from his death. On his birthday as I was getting the balloons from the grocery store I bought a gift card and then gave it to a lady on my way out as she was walking in. Although I was near tears as I was getting the balloons it felt good to give to her. Getting balloons was also interesting - the cashier and others assumed they were for something fun of course. I didn't have the heart to tell people I was getting them to release at my son's grave site for his birthday. Most of the time I don't mind sharing our story but I knew I would have lost it had I tried that day.

We also decided the week of Josh's birthday to use his Memorial Fund to help a family within our parish and school community who we felt could use a helping hand. I felt it important to honor Josh in that way in time for his birthday. Again, a little good to spread the light he brought to our lives.

I've noticed recently that my view of life and the world around me is changing. In some ways I feel a sense of peace in knowing that everything will be okay.  I recently watched a segment on CBS news about the father of a student at my boys' school. He has ALS and is living life to the fullest during his time left on earth. (Coincidentally my boys told me he spoke to the students at school yesterday). Despite his prognosis he is happy and has an appreciation for the little things that many can't relate to on the level he is experiencing. Although our situations are completely different I feel this way too. I've started to realize that our time on earth, although meaningful, is temporary and I'd better make the most of it while I'm here. For me that means trying not to sweat the small stuff (which I tend to struggle with), and simply trying to live the best life I can. That doesn't mean trying to accumulate material things, rather focusing on my relationships with others and valuing them in a way I hadn't before. Despite my grief and longing for Josh I would venture to say I'm still happy just as Chris is despite having ALS. I encourage you to watch this short video about Chris Rosati, ALS warrior, to both get a sense of what I'm trying to articulate as well as to get inspired by his story.

So I guess what I've been realizing the past few months is that we all have our challenges, our crosses to bear, our battles to fight. For the ones you have control over, choose them wisely. For those you don't, you just have to get through it. Kind of like the children's story "We're Going on a Bear Hunt". You may not know what lies ahead, it might be a bit scary, but you have no choice but to rise to the challenge and go through it. Kind of like getting through Josh's death, Christmas without him, and his first birthday. Kind of like Chris dealing with ALS. Kind of like those who have lost loved ones, are struggling with addiction or mental illness or cancer or disease, lose their homes, their jobs, their sense of security. We all have our struggles and if we take some time to look around we'll notice that we aren't alone and in a way we are all going on our own bear hunt.