I can't believe it's almost Christmas again. This time of year is always a challenge due to so many Christmas activities and events - it's stressful and overwhelming even for those full of Christmas cheer. However it's so bittersweet for me now - hanging Josh's stocking on our mantle, knowing it will remain empty. Wishing he was physically present in our family pictures. That is one thing that really gets to me the most - every picture taken with our family is always incomplete. There is only one word that can really describe it - it sucks.
Since the holidays are so hectic it is hard to find time to have a quiet mind to reflect. For those who have lost a close loved one, especially a child, they know that grief never goes away. You never get over your loss, you just learn to live with it. But times like Christmas it's like the wound is opened again. Not having Josh sit on Santa's lap, not having him "help" with making cookies, not adding a column for him on my Christmas gift excel spreadsheet. Again, it sucks. Yet, this year I found a place I can go so I can have that mental space to reflect, remember, and grieve. I don't know how I missed this last year but am glad I found it now.
I recently found out about a support group specifically meant for parents who have lost a child. It's called The Compassionate Friends and is a national organization with over 600 chapters across the U.S. Every year during the holidays they hold a candlelight vigil to honor the memories of our lost children. I attended it this year (it happened to be held at our church) and found it incredibly helpful. Here I was with about 30 other local parents who have lost a child - ranging from Josh's age up to adult children. Parents who have lost their children due to cancer, disease, or sudden accidents. No matter what the cause, we all had a common bond and truly understood what one another was feeling. For example, even though the guy sitting next to me lost his teenage daughter several years ago, we shared the same burden. During the vigil we lit candles for our child, shared a little bit about our child while showing their picture, and did some readings to reflect our sorrow and to provide comfort. Although I was a sobbing mess it was exactly what I needed. It's so hard to find time to think and reflect between work, kids, and the holiday craziness, that this vigil forced me to do so without distraction. I was in dire need of an emotional release and felt so much better afterwards. Sad, yes, but also happy I had the time to honor my baby.
Prior to attending the vigil I spoke with a woman who had lost her teenage son to cancer the day we buried Josh. I remember hearing about it at Josh's funeral as the family is also involved in our church. This woman is planning to get a Compassionate Friends chapter started in Durham as the closest chapter is 40 minutes away. I am definitely planning on getting involved to help it get off the ground. It is such a need for parents to have a support network and resources to help them through their grief and as I've already experienced, I know it will be helpful to me as well.
At the vigil I spoke with a parent who said he has finally passed the point where he spends more time thinking about his child's life than of her death. I am looking forward to when that happens for me. Most of the time when I think about Josh I think about the day he died and every.single.detail of that day. I would love to have my mind full of the times when we cuddled or he "ran" with me, or when he'd stare at my other kids in awe. There was so much wonderful time I got to spend with him - I just wish my brain would focus on that instead of that awful day.
Well, I could ramble forever but want to extend a cyber "hug" to other parents whose Christmas is bittersweet this year. And while I'm at it to anyone who is feeling empty or missing someone. It sucks. But I'm hopeful we can all find some comfort and joy this Christmas. Be kind to yourselves. Merry Christmas!
