We made it through Christmas. This was another reason I was so looking forward to the new year because it would signify that Christmas was over. Normally I cringe a bit as December approaches. I like Christmas, but to me December signifies 5,378 extra details to keep track of - from planning for and buying gifts for the kids, the husband, and other family members (thank goodness for Amazon Prime), to Christmas cards, baking cookies, teacher gifts, class parties, 3rd grade secret santa gifts, wrapping, cub scout Christmas caroling, 2 school/daycare Christmas programs, a piano recital, getting the tree, decorating, etc. etc. etc. It makes my head spin. On top of that Ben has a birthday in December so we have a party to plan, gifts, cake, class celebration, etc. So, yeah, December usually is fun but it's completely action-packed and stressful! On top of that I had a trip to the ER (3 year old fell and got a mild concussion) on the six month anniversary of Josh's death. It was hard walking back in that ER where I had to relive the worst day of my life, especially six months to the day it happened. And this year I felt like I couldn't fully embrace the season. It was completely not fair that instead of taking fun pictures of Josh "opening" gifts as a 9 month old, we instead visited his grave on the way to Christmas Eve mass. We all struggled a bit in the weeks leading up to Christmas - the kids were a bit more emotional and we had our moments. At the mass the Sunday before Christmas I was a bawling mess; in part from dealing with the feelings of missing my child during this time of year and in part due to the fact that a baby named Joshua was baptized at that mass (I mean, really?? If it didn't hurt the irony would almost be comical). So, the fact that we survived our first Christmas without Josh was to me a huge accomplishment. He was still with us in many ways - I ordered a stocking for him and it hung on the mantle like the rest of our family's. I also bought a special ornament that I felt perfectly reflected him in heaven - it's an infant wrapped in heart-shaped angel wings.
We also finally got Josh's official death certificate and his official cause of death. It was indeed Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Although not unexpected, I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand I'm glad that there was no underlying disease or illness that would make me question if I had missed any signs. However the diagnosis of SIDS to me is still not really an answer. It's a diagnosis of exclusion - basically after the autopsy and all the tests they still have no idea why he died. I am planning to write another post soon about SIDS and what it is and isn't. There is so much confusion about this diagnosis (for example it is NOT suffocation) that I feel it important to set the record straight.
Finally, I have a brief update on "J", the guy who was in that horrible accident. Luckily he will walk again after undergoing several surgeries and rehab. I'm told he is at home now and doing well all things considered. The guy who hit him was charged with a DUI and also had been charged with another DUI the week before the accident. Hopefully he will lose his license for a long, long time and get the help he so obviously needs.
We continue to soldier on as best we can and continue to remain thankful for everyone's support, love, and prayers. Let's all hope and pray for a happy, healthy 2014. My sister Laura has declared it the "Year of All the Good Things" and I hope she is right!
