One month

It's hard to believe that it's been one month since we lost Josh. It has felt like it has been so much longer since he's been with us. I miss him so much and at times still feel like it hasn't fully hit me yet that he is gone forever. I will often daydream about him and try to imagine myself holding him or nursing him or watching him smile. I try to think about the little things we'd do together such as me talking to him while changing him, him grabbing onto my hair while I burped him, or just simply him sleeping on my chest.

Over the past month I've had some moments of self-pity, asking the question, "why us?" I get angry that this happened to us. We've tried to lead honest, hard-working lives. We try to be kind to others and treat others well. We try to volunteer our time to our community where we can. So why does something horrible like this happen to US? Why doesn't it happen to those evil, bad people in the world (not that I would wish the loss of a child on anyone)? It is frustrating because we try to do everything the right way and then losing Josh is the thanks we get.

I've discussed with my husband that for years in the back of my mind I've had the fear that something would happen to one of my children. At the time I thought it was normal mom feelings but I think now that perhaps on some level I knew. Not sure if it's intuition or what but now that it's happened and my child was taken from me suddenly and without apparent reason, I can only hold onto the hope that someday I will know why this happened. The fact is, no matter what, Josh isn't coming back. As much as I want to I can't change it. I could spend the rest of my life bitter about it but that won't do me or my family any good. I could feel sorry for myself but that won't change anything. So my choice is to be miserable or to choose to live my life as best as I can going forward. Of course I will allow myself to be sad, to grieve, to get angry about the hand I was dealt. But I have 3 other children who need me as well as a husband. I have coworkers and patients who rely on me. Right now I'm taking it one day at a time and just doing the best I can. If I feel like crying I will cry, if I feel like laughing I will laugh. It is extremely emotionally exhausting going through this because no matter what, Josh is always in the back of my mind. It seems like every interaction and experience is now tainted because he is gone. I assume with time that will get better.

Although it's difficult, I've been trying to find things to be thankful for. I'm thankful that Josh died peacefully in his sleep. He didn't suffer. There are so, so many children who battle long illnesses and are in pain and suffer before they die. I'm thankful that Josh was still a sweet, innocent baby when he died. My memories of him are nothing but positive. He never did one thing wrong and was perfect in every way. I am also thankful of a choice I made regarding the weekend before he died. I was supposed to be going on a girls' weekend with my college roommates. It was going to be a reunion of sorts as we hadn't all been together since college and it was planned for almost a year. I had really wanted to go but was conflicted about it. It was going to be the weekend after I returned to work. I would have had to take another day off and had already extended my maternity leave by a week in order to take a family trip out to Colorado for my nephew's baptism. I knew if I went it would be stressful for work reasons but also because I knew I'd not fully enjoy myself after being away at work all week and then being gone that whole weekend. I would just miss Josh too much. I'd miss my other kids too but there is something about being away from your baby that is different and really makes your heart hurt. So, in the end I decided not to go for the roommate reunion. Now I know why I didn't go - Josh died that Monday. If I had gone I would forever have guilt that I didn't spend enough time with him that weekend. In a way I think God knew that would tear me up so He led me to the right decision. I'm so thankful I chose to miss out on a really fun weekend in order to stay home. Those extra couple days with him is precious extra time I got to spend with him. 

Most of all I'm thankful Josh was in my life. He brought a joy to our family and still does. We had debated for a long time about having a fourth child and I still say it's the best decision I've ever made. Having 3 months with Josh is better than none at all. His short life touched so many people in so many ways that I have to have faith that his life was part of a bigger plan. Hopefully one day when I see Josh again in heaven (hopefully I end up there!) I will be told by him and God what was the real reason for Josh's short life here on earth. Until then I plan to be thankful for the time I had with him and try to make him proud with the way I carry out the rest of my life without him. Mommy loves you Josh!