Oh the emotions of it all

I feel like I've been a bit more emotional this week. At church on Sunday I cried throughout almost the entire mass. Something about being at church, surrounded by people we see almost every week (no we aren't perfect Catholics and occasionally skip a mass here or there), the music, the readings, the feeling I get just being there stirs up the emotions. In some ways I think going to church has been helpful because it's a time for me to sit and feel. It's hard to just sit and feel at home when I have the day to day tasks of the house and kids to take care of. The same goes for work. Today for example I felt near tears all day long but didn't have the time or space to sit and allow myself to cry. After mass this weekend a sweet lady who sits near us each week asked me what was the matter and asked "Where is the baby?" She ends up crying too and hugging me when I tell her he died. There is another woman who I ended up sobbing with during our first time back to church after Josh's death. She had come up to me once in our church gathering space while I was pregnant with Josh (Leah was being too loud so I had to take her out of the mass). She is older than me but said she has the same order of kids: boy, boy, girl, boy. Since that time we had shared a few smiles and knowing nods when my boys were acting up. As we were leaving during that first mass after his funeral she grabbed me and held me and told me she was praying for me and reassuring me that Josh was in a better place. I've had several other people come up to me, telling me they had just heard what happened and lending a consoling hug. It's amazing to me that these people, whose names I don't even know, are mourning with me. We happen to just go to the same mass each week and tend to sit in the same area of the church. Yet they are our family and are feeling our pain with us and praying for us.

This week I received a copy of the police report and the EMS report from the day Josh died. Reading through them was difficult because I got a mental picture of the scene and what was happening when the paramedics got to the house. Their account of all the things they did to try to save him was heart wrenching because next to each attempt to revive him via CPR or administering medication to him was "no response". Reading it I could just feel the complete hopelessness of the situation and I was immediately brought back to that day and everything we went through. I was able to email the chaplain who baptized him and express our gratitude for his presence and ability to perform that meaningful act for us. It's easy to overlook all who were involved that day - the chaplain, nurses, social worker, doctors, paramedics, police, etc. I'm sure it was hard for all of them, even if it's their job. But their presence and role they all played that day meant so much to us.

I've had a few instances out in public since Josh died when people have asked me how many children I have. This question has proven really hard to answer. On the one hand I don't want to burden strangers with our sad news, so saying three seems fitting. They are just asking a simple question and I don't want them to have to feel awkward or feel like they are upsetting me. However by only saying three children I feel like I'm betraying Josh. He IS my child and always will be. By only saying I have three children feels wrong. So I'm starting to practice saying (with the advice of a friend who lost her infant son a few years ago) I have four children, one is in heaven. It will depend on the situation of course and sometimes I may not feel like having to explain myself so saying three will be more appropriate. But Josh will forever be my child and he should get the recognition he deserves!

I also read recently that my birthday is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day (October 15th). Bittersweet that now I'll always have a reminder of my loss on my birthday but also nice because I will always be reminded of Josh on my birthday. I can't think of Josh without thinking of losing him and I can't think of what I've lost without thinking about Josh. I wish the two were separate entities but that just isn't possible.

Josh continues to be missed each and every minute of every day. He is always on my mind, even when I'm not directly thinking about him. Mommy loves you Josh!