Two Years

I miss him and have never wanted something so badly. Two years ago almost to the exact time as I write this post Josh passed away. A part of me still can't believe it. A part of me is still in shock and still reeling from the trauma. I hate these stupid dates. June 10th will forever be a crappy day that I have to figure out how to get through each year. For weeks ahead of time it looms on the horizon - I can see it but can't get there yet. It's like it taunts me. It's in the air, it's on my mind, and I have a sense of trepidation. Kind of like the feeling you get when you have a big exam and you know you haven't studied enough and aren't fully prepared for it. It's uncomfortable and it just plain sucks. All big dates have that sense of dread - holidays, birthdays, Mother's day, etc. But today is the worst because it is THE day. The day that for reasons I still question, God called Josh to heaven.

I have been a mixed up jumble of emotions these past few months. There are times I want to cry but can't for whatever reason. I fully realize that we would not have Anna had Josh not passed away (bittersweet doesn't even come close to describing it but it's the only word I can think of). However I'm confident that God and Josh had a hand in our decision to pursue adoption as well as choosing the perfect baby for our family. Although we were open to adopting either a boy or girl I think God knew blessing us with a girl would be a bit easier for us to handle emotionally. Anna also recently surpassed the age Josh was when he died. I went back to work too - all the things that two years ago I was doing with Josh. It's hard not to let the fear get to me but I'm trying.

It's funny how life marches on and how quickly two years can go by. My heart is still beating even though a big piece is missing. In a way it's its own miracle. Time to tackle year #3 without my sweet boy. I love you so much Josh and can't wait to see you again.

What Mother's Day is Really About

Today is a special day. It's when mothers are honored by their children and (hopefully) by the fathers of their children. It's when moms are treated like queens, get a break from the dishes and laundry for a day, get handmade gifts from their young children, flowers or a card from their older ones. This Mother's Day is the second one without one of my children to share it with me. And it got me thinking that there are different facets of motherhood that I've experienced whether I wanted to or not. Things that many have strong opinions on and sometimes fuel the "mommy wars". For example, I've had three vaginal births as well as have had a c-section. I have also adopted a baby who was birthed by another woman. No matter how my babies entered the world, they are still mine. I have successfully breastfed four babies and have formula fed another. No matter how I fed my babies I have provided nourishment to them. I have experienced two of my children having surgery (one of which was major), a concussion, broken bone, countless fevers, rashes, illnesses and have spent numerous hours worrying, caring for, and comforting them. No matter what the ailment was, I tried my best to take away their discomfort. I have worked while raising my kids because I know I'm a better mom to them when I'm busy and enjoying what I do and know I don't have the patience or creativity to be a stay at home mom. No matter my decision to work versus stay at home I do what I do out of love for them. I have buried a child and helped my other children through their grief while trying to cope with my own. No matter if my children are here on earth or up in heaven, I love them with my whole heart and soul.

So this Mother's Day I think it's important to recognize all the different types of moms out there. There are women who long to be mothers but their bodies aren't cooperating with their dream, there are women who have lost angels before birth, there are women who have lost infants or children to long illnesses or to tragic events. There are elderly mothers who have had to bury their adult children before it was their time. There are women who are just trying to do their best - no matter if they decided to breast or bottle feed, work or stay at home, give their baby up for adoption to ensure them a better life, have their baby naturally or via c-section, and the list goes on. My point is that ALL mothers deserve to be honored, cherished, and supported - not just by their children or spouses but by other mothers. We are all on our own scary journey - everyone's is a little different but we all have one common goal - to do what's best for our children. And that is something to be proud of.

Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful ladies out there!