Happy Birthday in Heaven

It is so hard to believe it's Josh's birthday. One year ago I felt like the luckiest person in the world - I had just given birth to my fourth child to complete our family. Who could ask for more? I had four beautiful children, an amazing husband, a career I love, and wonderful family and friends. We were so blessed. To have that amazing reality stolen from my family and me angers me. But, to dwell on the "it's not fair" aspect of Josh's death really doesn't do me any good. I've mentioned in previous posts that I'm human and I have my moments of self pity and being mad at the hand we were dealt, however I do feel blessed that I did have three months of my perfect family. Josh brought so much joy to our lives in the short time he was here. In many ways I feel that he made me a better person and showed a tender side of my other kids that I hadn't really seen before. They doted on their baby brother and loved him so much. Josh was and is a blessing. He gives me strength to get through hard days, he gives me perspective on life that I never had before, he has shown me how deep love is.

When a parent loses a child it's only natural to look around at other kids the same age and wonder how their own child would be now. I imagine how cute Josh would be at one year old. He would probably be getting ready to walk or perhaps would have taken a few steps already. He probably would light up the room with his squeals and laughter. He would probably crawl around the house after his siblings. He'd be getting into my kitchen cabinets and making messes left and right. He'd be coming to the end of nursing and graduating to real milk in a cup. He'd be babbling and trying to "talk". It's hard not looking at other people's babies who are about the same age as Josh would be and not wistfully think about the "what ifs". I wouldn't say I'm jealous - the rational side of me understands that it wouldn't be right to be jealous of those who do have happy, healthy babies. I would say that in many ways I enjoy seeing babies because I get a little glimpse into how Josh would be. That baby in the shopping cart at the grocery store, a baby on a diaper commercial, online videos posted on facebook of cute baby antics - they all remind me of him and in a way it's comforting.

One year ago we welcomed this little peanut into the world. He was 6lbs, 4oz and was so perfect. Josh was a planned c-section (my first) due to being breech. He came out and was so mellow and so darn cute. He nursed well and was our first baby who didn't get jaundiced. Being the fourth child he was on the go from the beginning - at Jake's baseball practice at two weeks old, picking up his brothers from school, going to scout events, soccer games, etc. Josh was the perfect addition to our family. He still is.

So, on Josh's one year old birthday in heaven I wanted to share some pictures of him with those who follow my blog. I hope they capture his sweet personality and you are able to get a sense of how special he is.

Josh's birthday

My loves

Getting to know each other

Leah was so excited to be a big sister

He sure was a cuddler

So snuggly

The changing table was one of his favorite places

Ben loved holding Josh

Being inquisitive

Shy smile

Somehow managed to kick off his sock

Josh even hiked the Rocky Mountains

He slept the entire hike

My amazing children - Jake, Ben, Leah, and Josh

We made wonderful memories together in Colorado

Our sweet angel

I miss my baby boy so much and would give anything for the chance to hold him again and see his smile. My hope is that he is having the best birthday party up there in heaven with the most awesome smash cake ever. While my heart hurts here on earth missing my baby on his birthday I know he is in a wonderful place. Happy Birthday Josh. We love you so much!

But We Did Everything Right

Every new parent hears the term SIDS - from the media, literature, their pediatrician, on baby items advertised to reduce its risk. Yet for most SIDS is this thing that happens to other people. It could never happen to them. And most people don't know of someone who lost a child to SIDS so it's kind of this weird unknown thing that people say happens but it doesn't seem real. Yeah, we hear about it from time to time but that's the extent of it. I was one of those disillusioned parents. We followed all of the expert advice to reduce the risk of SIDS - we didn't smoke, all my kids were breastfed, we didn't have toys or blankets kept in the crib, we always put our babies on their backs to sleep and made sure the room temperature wasn't too hot. We never brought a baby into our bed. And yet it happened to my perfect Josh. After a full medical history review, autopsy, labs and tissue sample testing they could find nothing wrong with him. So, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome was the "cause" of death. In some ways this is good because I don't feel guilt that we missed something but in other ways it is frustrating because I will always wonder what if the circumstances were different that day? What if at that moment in time he wasn't down for a nap and instead I was taking him for a walk? Maybe he would still be here if that were the case. Or was it going to happen anyway? Who really knows.

As the mother of a SIDS baby, I find it extremely annoying that the media seems to confuse people about the diagnosis. I stumbled upon this list from the CJ Foundation for SIDS that seems to help provide some clarity (I edited it slightly):

• SIDS claims the lives of almost 2,500 infants in the US each year - that's nearly 7 babies every day.
• SIDS is not caused by vaccines
• SIDS deaths occur unexpectedly and quickly to apparently healthy infants, usually during periods of sleep.
• SIDS is not caused by suffocation, choking, or smothering.
• SIDS is not caused by child abuse or neglect.
• SIDS is not contagious.
• SIDS occurs in families of all races and socioeconomic levels.
• SIDS cannot be predicted or prevented and can claim any baby, in spite of parents doing everything right.

I think my biggest pet peeve is that many people think suffocation and SIDS are the same thing which couldn't be farther from the truth. Although the death of a child from suffocation is tragic and horrible it is also preventable. SIDS isn't. In fact research is starting to indicate a possible brain stem abnormality in these babies that effects breathing, heart rate, and the ability to awaken. Even Parents magazine can't get their facts right. They did an article a few months ago supposedly to highlight the risks of SIDS however every family profiled in the article had a baby who died as a result of parents not following safe sleep practices. Although information about preventing suffocation and accidents is certainly important, it is also the responsibility of the media not to confuse this with SIDS. 

I guess my take home message is that parents do need to do their best to reduce the risk of suffocation as well as other accidents but to also keep in mind that despite doing everything right things can still go wrong. A year ago I would have shrugged this sort of thing off because of course it wouldn't happen to me (because bad things like that only happen to other people!). Boy was I wrong. 

Not an hour goes by that I don't think of Josh. It's been 8 months since we lost him but seems like just yesterday. I've been struggling a bit lately - there have been so many reminders that he should be here. He should have been with us while we were watching the Super Bowl. He should have been with us while we had snow days this week and we were all having a snowball fight together. Every single happy family moment is overshadowed by the fact he isn't here. The other night when I discovered a mouse in our closet and we proceeded to have some family excitement trying to find and catch it we were hysterically laughing because it was so funny. After it all calmed down I was hit with such pain and started to cry. A few weeks ago I was folding laundry on a Sunday afternoon and got this strong urge to go to him. Thankfully I could escape for a bit and I went and just sat there and cried for a good hour. I sat there against "our" tree and just allowed myself to miss him. I think back to the day he went to heaven and how horrible it was. I remember every single detail of that day and find my thoughts going back to it despite me trying not to. Last week I attended a support group for those who have also suffered the loss of an infant (due to a variety of reasons, not just SIDS) and found it very helpful to hear other moms' stories and relate to them on a level no one else can truly understand. 
Anyway, we continue to move forward but some days are harder than others. And I guess that I should expect it will be like that for quite a long time. Mommy loves you Josh.