Adjustments and observations

It's been awhile since my last post, mainly because I have been so busy that I haven't had a chance to sit and write anything. We went to the beach in mid-August. This trip was planned even before Josh was born and, although we weren't able to bring him with us, getting away was still a welcome break for us. We were all pretty sad the night before we left since it felt like we were missing this big piece of the puzzle that is our family. As I was packing I kept thinking about how many fewer things we needed to bring. No need for a pack-n-play, bottles, breast pump, diapers, wipes, burp cloths, etc. Logistically it was a lot easier not having to worry about the baby stuff, however it was not better. It just didn't feel right packing up for this vacation without an important member of our family. We decided to bring his picture with us - we've had one up on our fridge since the day after he died and we put it on the fridge at the beach house. Overall, we had a really nice time - the kids picked out shells and brought back their favorite ones to put on Josh's grave. I also saw lots of white birds flying out over the ocean throughout the week. Almost every time I looked at the water. I'm sure I'm reading into it, but I couldn't help but think it was some sort of sign that Josh was was still there with us. The day we drove home from the beach I struggled. It was like I was smacked in the face again that we'd have to go back to our normal lives without him. While we were at the beach having fun with the kids with no agenda, it was easier to trick ourselves and suppress those thoughts that Josh isn't around. I think the combination of coming home and back to our house without him really hit me hard.

Since the beach, we have gotten back into the routine of school and after school activities of soccer and scouts. The kids overall are doing well. The first week back at school was a bit rough and I honestly wasn't prepared for it. Some kids were asking questions and making comments about Josh (just being normal kids!) and I didn't anticipate these questions or the stress it would cause the boys. Luckily our kids go to a terrific school with amazing teachers who truly care and their teachers were able to help ease that stress for them. I felt badly that I didn't prepare the kids well enough and that now they had to worry about being embarrassed or having unwanted attention on top of missing their brother. But, being a rookie at this whole thing I am trying not to dwell on this and am chalking it up to a learning experience. Luckily the kids have settled in since then and the attention has faded a bit.

I've also had some friends lately apologize to me for things they've said to me about their lives or families when we've talked. This has happened several times over the past few months - when chatting with a friend she might mention something she is dealing with or going through. Then I will get an apology from her because she feels shallow for discussing her life issues which aren't as serious as losing a child. I remember when my friend lost her son a year and a half ago. I had NO idea what to say to her. Do I bring up her son in conversation? If I ask her how she is doing will she break down and cry? If I mention her son's name will that ruin her night? If I don't acknowledge or ask about her son will she be upset or offended? If I talk about what's going on in my life will she think I'm being selfish? It seems like a no win situation. What I've told my friends since losing Josh is this: Just because my child died doesn't mean that other people's stress and lives are any less significant. I don't want people to have to measure their words around me. It actually feels good to talk about the "normal" stuff - school, childcare, whining kids, etc. We all have things we have to deal with and they are valid and important and I want to hear them. I don't mind talking about Josh. Sometimes I may shed a tear, depending on my mood at the time, but usually I won't. I haven't changed as a person (I hope) and still want to talk about both important things AND unimportant things (like reality tv!). Although everyone is different, this is what works for me. I don't want people walking on egg shells around me. In some ways, the 8 year old classmates my oldest son Jake has have it right. They don't have a filter and they say what they are thinking - which in a way is refreshing.

My other observation as of late is that I'm getting a bit more fed up with the lack of decency we have as a society. Rude people at the grocery store, young twenty-somethings dancing inappropriately on national tv, people with a sense of entitlement and a "me first" attitude. I don't know if I'm just paying more attention to these things now or if I'm become more pessimistic, but it's disheartening. I'm hoping that I just happen to be noticing these things more and not that they are becoming more commonplace. Regardless, I find myself trying to make more of an effort to be friendly to people. This world is a tough, tough place but if my 3 minute interaction with the grocery store clerk can brighten her day then I've helped. If talking to my kids about self respect and treating others with respect can help prevent them from looking up to celebrities who don't treat themselves respectfully then I've helped. If holding the door for someone and modeling positive treatment of others can influence even one person, then I've helped. What I've learned these past 3 months is that life is SO darn short. We only have one. We don't know what tomorrow will bring. So live today as best as you can. Treat others how you'd want to be treated. And if you die tomorrow at least you will die leaving this world a slightly better place than the day before.

Josh has officially been gone longer than he has lived. It's hard to believe it's been 3 1/2 months since we've lost him. I treasure the pictures and videos I have of him. Sometimes I just have to watch a little 30 second video of him to get my Josh "fix". It helps me feel closer to him and keep his memory alive. Mommy loves you Josh!!

Learning to expect and accept the unexpected

The last few weeks have been a struggle for me. I've been going through the normal grief stuff but there is no alert to the rest of the world that I'm grieving. Sometimes I want to wave a sign that says, "Hey! Cut me a break! I'm grieving!". And unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), there is no pause button on life just because I'm sad and mourning. The last few weeks have been particularly challenging. I feel like a whiner because in the grand scheme of things these are small potatoes but I'm also human and my threshold for stress is a bit lower than usual for obvious reasons.

The pace at work has been non-stop. Normally I thrive on being busy and roll with issues that come up pretty easily (hey, I work in mental health so I always expect the unexpected!) but lately it just seems it's one thing after another.
So work being one stressor lately, we also have been dealing with being a one car family. My husband was in a fender bender a few weeks before Josh died. While waiting for the adjustor to take a look at it, we ended up in the throes of our nightmare and had to delay it. Well, a few weeks ago they deemed it a total loss which meant bye bye to the truck. We thought about keeping it but given the age and condition of it, mileage, it made better sense to get rid of it. So, since we had the unexpected expense of paying for a funeral we decided to wait a bit to buy something. Which meant that I was driving 3 kids and a husband everywhere. I already have a long commute but 2.5 hours in the car/day driving everyone around on top of work does not make for a happy mommy.

After pursuing a few leads on trucks for sale on craigslist that didn't pan out we had set up to look at a truck after the seller got off work. Now, I deal with craigslist as a buyer and seller on a regular basis so I know how unpredictable it can be. So, that day, after a crazy day at work, rushing to get grocery shopping done because we had no food, pick up one kid from camp, stop at another store to pick up soon-to-be 3 year old's birthday cake and getting held up since they didn't decorate it(!), stop home to throw groceries in the house, stop to get other two kids, then go get the husband so we can go meet this guy at 6pm. What happens next you ask? At 5:55 as we are 5 minutes away he texts my husband to say, "sorry, the truck has been sold". I was SO mad and upset and immediately burst into tears. I just felt so defeated. I was tired, cranky, stressed, and so OVER being the family chauffeur. And honestly I was mad. I was mad that nothing seemed to be going our way and we couldn't catch a break. Obviously God thinks I'm more resilient than I give myself credit for because for whatever reason He continues to challenge us.

Since then we did have success with a "new to us" truck on craigslist and I can now have some relief from all the driving. It has been really hard though to not feel sorry for myself sometimes. However I try to remind myself that even though I'm emotional and tired and stressed out, it could always be worse. And this whole truck situation taught me that the normal life hassles and inconveniences are going to continue and that I need to expect them. Just because Josh passed away doesn't mean I get a pass on these things. I may complain and whine about them but have to remind myself that there are people in this world who have it a lot worse than I do.

Besides grappling with that realization, I've also been struggling with feeling like I'm not keeping up my end of the friendship bargain. My friends have been SO supportive to me these past few months. I know it's not been any fun for them this summer either but they have been there. Texting me, making a funny comment to make me smile, calling me, emailing, giving a hug, etc. etc. Maybe it's the Catholic in me, but I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I haven't had the time or energy to really give my friends the attention I normally would. Rationally, I know they don't expect much from me right now, but emotionally I just feel badly. Especially since I want to be able to give them the time and attention they deserve. I know this will get easier as more time passes and I know I need to cut myself a break because if the roles were reversed I wouldn't think twice about it. What Josh's death has shown me is how truly amazing my friends (and family!) are. Friends near and far, friends old and new have blown me away with their support. 

So, I guess my take home message with this post is two-fold. 1: I need to realize that sometimes things just suck and although I'm human and can whine and complain, I need to remind myself that these minor life annoyances (like the truck) are really stupid and don't matter in the big picture.  Sometimes it's unfair, irritating, and upsetting. Sometimes you don't want to deal with it and the thought of another day like that one makes you cringe. But somehow you keep moving forward and it all works out in the end, one way or another. Even when feeling down and out, just having the faith to keep on going is what helps you overcome whatever obstacle you are facing.  And, 2: Having good friends is completely awesome. They are patient, understanding, and know just when you need a pick me up. They give you the strength to get you through those days when you just want to cringe because life has thrown you a curve ball in some way. They are rock stars. Good friendships are to be cherished.