Josh is a big brother!

This post is delayed for a couple reasons. 1. Life with a newborn is busy and 2. I have to be in a certain frame of mind to write these blog posts and I only recently felt like writing this one.

So....our family has been blessed with a new addition! Anna Louise was born on February 20th and is a happy and healthy bundle of joy! She came into our lives through adoption and we are so blessed.

Happy Birthday Anna!

We have fielded many questions about our journey and I thought I'd share a bit here. We had thought about adoption several times and I had researched it casually for years. But, the cost was always a deterrent for us as well as we could have our own biological children without difficulty. However, after Josh died, it was like we were driven to pursue adoption - a "calling" some would say. We just knew we weren't done. We started the process a couple months after Josh died, knowing it could take awhile. Some agencies wouldn't even talk to us because they felt we needed at least six months to grieve after Josh died. It honestly pissed me off because who were these strangers to say when we'd be emotionally ready to add another child to our family? Although rationally I understand their reasoning, any parent who has lost a child knows that there is no time limit on grief. Anyway, we found a great agency to work with and got the ball rolling. Six weeks after we went "live" we were matched with a mother due in a few months. That match "failed" (adoption lingo). Basically we were chosen but due to several circumstances and poor choices of the birth mother after her baby was born the adoption plan fell through. Fortunately we never met the baby but at the time I felt like we couldn't catch a break, given all we'd been through. Our adoption adviser gave us good advice though and told us that experience was just getting us one step closer to OUR child. And she was right!

Fast forward several more months and we got a call that a birth mother who was due in a month wanted us to be the parents for her child. We were able to be there for Anna's birth (she happened to be born in North Carolina!) and are blessed that she has an amazing birth mother and birth family. We were able to care for her immediately and welcomed her with open arms. The best word to explain the experience at the hospital with her birth, the adoption process, the emotions of all involved is "surreal." It was wonderful, exhausting, happy, sad, anxiety-ridden, and so very special. We have nothing but the utmost respect and love for her birth mother.

We didn't share with many people the fact that we were pursuing adoption because of all the ups and downs that it can entail. Our kids knew of course that eventually they'd have a new brother or sister. Anna has fit right into the chaos and the kids dote on her. We've all had our struggles emotionally as we've welcomed a new baby into the house. While expected, it's still hard. Having the physical presence of a baby in the house again definitely brought up lots of feelings. We have encouraged the kids to talk about it and reassure them that it's okay to miss Josh but still be happy that Anna is here. On Josh's birthday - I was so sad on the one hand but also so happy to be holding Anna in my arms. Such conflicted feelings. I am also so SCARED that something will happen to her. If I'm honest, I'm scared something will happen to any one of my kids at any point for the rest of my life. Prior to bringing her home, I was sure I would never sleep again and just stay up to make sure she was breathing but I've honestly done better than expected. Rationally I know that SIDS can't be prevented and the chances of it happening are so slim but it still scares me! I am fortunate that I've been able to keep my anxiety in check and get sleep as I know other SIDS parents aren't so lucky.

So now when people ask how many children I have I answer "Five - four on earth and one in heaven." I know if we'd never lost Josh that Anna wouldn't be in our family - for me that is a hard pill to swallow. But I know Josh had his hand in all of this and I think he picked Anna for us. The day of his second birthday was also the day the birth mother's revocation period expired (meaning we could breath a sigh of relief that Anna was definitely ours!). What a wonderful birthday present that Josh gave to us. 

While Anna will never get to meet her big brother we know that he will be looking out for her from above. And I thank God for giving us the strength to choose adoption. We are truly blessed.

Anna at six weeks old and sweet as can be!