I can't believe it's almost Christmas again. This time of year is always a challenge due to so many Christmas activities and events - it's stressful and overwhelming even for those full of Christmas cheer. However it's so bittersweet for me now - hanging Josh's stocking on our mantle, knowing it will remain empty. Wishing he was physically present in our family pictures. That is one thing that really gets to me the most - every picture taken with our family is always incomplete. There is only one word that can really describe it - it sucks.
Since the holidays are so hectic it is hard to find time to have a quiet mind to reflect. For those who have lost a close loved one, especially a child, they know that grief never goes away. You never get over your loss, you just learn to live with it. But times like Christmas it's like the wound is opened again. Not having Josh sit on Santa's lap, not having him "help" with making cookies, not adding a column for him on my Christmas gift excel spreadsheet. Again, it sucks. Yet, this year I found a place I can go so I can have that mental space to reflect, remember, and grieve. I don't know how I missed this last year but am glad I found it now.
I recently found out about a support group specifically meant for parents who have lost a child. It's called The Compassionate Friends and is a national organization with over 600 chapters across the U.S. Every year during the holidays they hold a candlelight vigil to honor the memories of our lost children. I attended it this year (it happened to be held at our church) and found it incredibly helpful. Here I was with about 30 other local parents who have lost a child - ranging from Josh's age up to adult children. Parents who have lost their children due to cancer, disease, or sudden accidents. No matter what the cause, we all had a common bond and truly understood what one another was feeling. For example, even though the guy sitting next to me lost his teenage daughter several years ago, we shared the same burden. During the vigil we lit candles for our child, shared a little bit about our child while showing their picture, and did some readings to reflect our sorrow and to provide comfort. Although I was a sobbing mess it was exactly what I needed. It's so hard to find time to think and reflect between work, kids, and the holiday craziness, that this vigil forced me to do so without distraction. I was in dire need of an emotional release and felt so much better afterwards. Sad, yes, but also happy I had the time to honor my baby.
Prior to attending the vigil I spoke with a woman who had lost her teenage son to cancer the day we buried Josh. I remember hearing about it at Josh's funeral as the family is also involved in our church. This woman is planning to get a Compassionate Friends chapter started in Durham as the closest chapter is 40 minutes away. I am definitely planning on getting involved to help it get off the ground. It is such a need for parents to have a support network and resources to help them through their grief and as I've already experienced, I know it will be helpful to me as well.
At the vigil I spoke with a parent who said he has finally passed the point where he spends more time thinking about his child's life than of her death. I am looking forward to when that happens for me. Most of the time when I think about Josh I think about the day he died and every.single.detail of that day. I would love to have my mind full of the times when we cuddled or he "ran" with me, or when he'd stare at my other kids in awe. There was so much wonderful time I got to spend with him - I just wish my brain would focus on that instead of that awful day.
Well, I could ramble forever but want to extend a cyber "hug" to other parents whose Christmas is bittersweet this year. And while I'm at it to anyone who is feeling empty or missing someone. It sucks. But I'm hopeful we can all find some comfort and joy this Christmas. Be kind to yourselves. Merry Christmas!
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Gone but still present
I've been reading a bit lately about the afterlife. I read "Heaven is For Real" and am also reading a book of vignettes of people who have lost loved ones and receive signs that they are still around. Although I have always believed in heaven I never really knew what to believe about spirits or ghosts or signs from above. Since Josh died I'm convinced there is a spiritual realm and that our lost loved ones are still with us on some level. Now, you may think I've lost my mind but after reading other people's accounts of signs they too have received as well as talking to friends who have lost loved ones (including a friend who lost her child), it is just too much evidence to ignore. So I figured I'd share some of the things I've experienced the past 15 months:
Messages from Above
Shortly after Josh died I remember laying in bed one night and the most surreal feeling came over me. It was sort of like a dream but I remember seeing only light and I had the most warm and amazing feeling for a few minutes. It was nothing like I'd ever experienced before but was distinct and almost indescribable. The sense of comfort and peace I got from those few moments was what I believe to be a little snapshot of what heaven is like.
Shortly after Josh died I remember laying in bed one night and the most surreal feeling came over me. It was sort of like a dream but I remember seeing only light and I had the most warm and amazing feeling for a few minutes. It was nothing like I'd ever experienced before but was distinct and almost indescribable. The sense of comfort and peace I got from those few moments was what I believe to be a little snapshot of what heaven is like.
Every night at dinner we say grace and then pray for someone in need. We wrap up our prayer asking Josh to watch over us. One night just as we said that part the towel we have hanging near our kitchen door (to have handy for wet dog feet) fell to the ground. It was almost the exact instant we said Josh's name. I even said "hi Josh" as it happened because it was so obvious it was a sign from him.
Hummingbirds
We've had a hummingbird come "visit" us this summer during dinner by hovering outside our kitchen windows (next to the table), watch us for a minute and then fly away. This is also new to us. We've had hummingbirds before but never one who was a regular visitor during dinner, at the same time and place almost every day.
We've had a hummingbird come "visit" us this summer during dinner by hovering outside our kitchen windows (next to the table), watch us for a minute and then fly away. This is also new to us. We've had hummingbirds before but never one who was a regular visitor during dinner, at the same time and place almost every day.
Ladybugs
Last fall I was at the beach for my annual weekend with some girl friends and was feeling pretty emotional. I had gone out to the beach by myself and just as I sat down a ladybug came and rested on my knee. I just knew it was yet another sign. I mean, how often do you see ladybugs on the beach?
And just a couple weeks ago during our family beach vacation I noticed a little yellow ladybug crawling on a lamp in our beach house. I watched it for a few seconds and then it literally disappeared. It didn't fly or fall but I blinked and it was gone.
Butterflies
I never really noticed butterflies but since Josh died I notice them all the time. The seem to fly near me when I need a little pick me up and several times I just get this feeling that these butterflies come when I need them.
I will never forget the time I went out for a morning run (a week or two after Josh's death) when it was slightly foggy and just before dawn. This most amazing thing was flying near me - something I hadn't seen before. I honestly didn't know what it was (I couldn't tell if it was a bird or a butterfly)- it was so beautiful though. Turns out it was a Luna Moth, which I only recently found out symbolizes the soul of lost loved ones. If you have never seen a Luna Moth fly before, it really is a spectacular site. I literally stopped running when I saw it - it was that unique and special.
Last fall I was at the beach for my annual weekend with some girl friends and was feeling pretty emotional. I had gone out to the beach by myself and just as I sat down a ladybug came and rested on my knee. I just knew it was yet another sign. I mean, how often do you see ladybugs on the beach?
And just a couple weeks ago during our family beach vacation I noticed a little yellow ladybug crawling on a lamp in our beach house. I watched it for a few seconds and then it literally disappeared. It didn't fly or fall but I blinked and it was gone.
Butterflies
I never really noticed butterflies but since Josh died I notice them all the time. The seem to fly near me when I need a little pick me up and several times I just get this feeling that these butterflies come when I need them.
I will never forget the time I went out for a morning run (a week or two after Josh's death) when it was slightly foggy and just before dawn. This most amazing thing was flying near me - something I hadn't seen before. I honestly didn't know what it was (I couldn't tell if it was a bird or a butterfly)- it was so beautiful though. Turns out it was a Luna Moth, which I only recently found out symbolizes the soul of lost loved ones. If you have never seen a Luna Moth fly before, it really is a spectacular site. I literally stopped running when I saw it - it was that unique and special.
When we received the beautiful stained glass piece from the families at Josh's daycare, I became emotional and choked up. Immediately after they delivered the gift and left, I had to go outside (I think we were on our way somewhere) and I immediately saw a butterfly. I knew it was a sign from above and looked up to the sky and said a quiet "thank you" to God.
Rainbows
Rainbows
Probably the biggest sign of all and one I will never forget is the beautiful rainbow that appeared the night of the Team Josh dinner (the night before the big Team Josh run at the Bull City Race Fest). The evening had already been so special and filled with emotion and that rainbow appeared out of nowhere as the evening started to wind down. There had been no thunderstorm - just slight drizzle and a dusky sun. That rainbow brought not only me but others to tears as I know it was Josh saying "I'm here" and "Thank You".
The other very special rainbow was the one I saw the day of Josh's first birthday. I had prayed the entire week prior I would see a rainbow on his birthday as a sign from him, but when it was sixty degrees and sunny all day I lost hope. Late in the day as we prepared to visit his grave, Jake showed me the card he made to attach to the balloon he was going to release. Jake had drawn a colorful rainbow. If that wasn't a sign from God or Josh (or both!) I don't know what is!
Just recently on the kids' first day of school we had small rainbow show up in our back yard. The sun was out and there was a passing rain shower that produced the smallest rainbow I've seen. I first saw a butterfly which drew my attention to it. Perhaps it was Josh wanting to tell the kids he was excited for their first day of school?
Numbers and Dates
Aside from all these signs I've received I also feel like there have been too many "coincidences" with dates and numbers to ignore. One that I feel is really odd has a little back story to it. As a child, I'd always prayed that I would die on my hundredth birthday in my sleep. Don't ask me why - probably my uptight personality wanting to make sure I had that little detail taken care of. It became a joke between my husband and I - we'd joke if he'd be able to come along or he'd tease me about it. Having been together for almost 20 years this joke has come up several times. Well, a few months ago I was reading a report from our insurance company and the report stated Josh was 100 days old when he died. I had never done the math but knew he was 14 weeks and 2 days old when he died (which obviously adds up to 100 days). And Josh died in his sleep. If he had died on any other day or another way I wouldn't think twice about it. Very, very odd.
Josh died on my sister in law's birthday. My birthday happens to be National Infant Loss and Remembrance Day. Again, some may say it's a coincidence but I think there is some meaning behind these numbers and dates.
So, all of these odd experiences or unusual coincidences may not mean a darn thing. However the feeling I get from them is difficult to articulate yet on some level I know both Josh and God are present with us. And perhaps it's a feeling we aren't meant to completely understand. To hear how other people experience similar things just furthers my faith that there has to be something beyond life as we know it. And in times when I'm missing Josh terribly and yearn to just touch him or hold him again I'm comforted by the fact that I will see him again. And although he isn't physically here, he is still very present and will always be a special part of our family.
Mommy loves you Josh and I look forward to your next "visit".
The other very special rainbow was the one I saw the day of Josh's first birthday. I had prayed the entire week prior I would see a rainbow on his birthday as a sign from him, but when it was sixty degrees and sunny all day I lost hope. Late in the day as we prepared to visit his grave, Jake showed me the card he made to attach to the balloon he was going to release. Jake had drawn a colorful rainbow. If that wasn't a sign from God or Josh (or both!) I don't know what is!
Just recently on the kids' first day of school we had small rainbow show up in our back yard. The sun was out and there was a passing rain shower that produced the smallest rainbow I've seen. I first saw a butterfly which drew my attention to it. Perhaps it was Josh wanting to tell the kids he was excited for their first day of school?
Numbers and Dates
Aside from all these signs I've received I also feel like there have been too many "coincidences" with dates and numbers to ignore. One that I feel is really odd has a little back story to it. As a child, I'd always prayed that I would die on my hundredth birthday in my sleep. Don't ask me why - probably my uptight personality wanting to make sure I had that little detail taken care of. It became a joke between my husband and I - we'd joke if he'd be able to come along or he'd tease me about it. Having been together for almost 20 years this joke has come up several times. Well, a few months ago I was reading a report from our insurance company and the report stated Josh was 100 days old when he died. I had never done the math but knew he was 14 weeks and 2 days old when he died (which obviously adds up to 100 days). And Josh died in his sleep. If he had died on any other day or another way I wouldn't think twice about it. Very, very odd.
Josh died on my sister in law's birthday. My birthday happens to be National Infant Loss and Remembrance Day. Again, some may say it's a coincidence but I think there is some meaning behind these numbers and dates.
So, all of these odd experiences or unusual coincidences may not mean a darn thing. However the feeling I get from them is difficult to articulate yet on some level I know both Josh and God are present with us. And perhaps it's a feeling we aren't meant to completely understand. To hear how other people experience similar things just furthers my faith that there has to be something beyond life as we know it. And in times when I'm missing Josh terribly and yearn to just touch him or hold him again I'm comforted by the fact that I will see him again. And although he isn't physically here, he is still very present and will always be a special part of our family.
Mommy loves you Josh and I look forward to your next "visit".
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