Happy New Year!

I have never been more excited about the start of a new year than I was a few days ago as we said hello to 2014. What an awful year 2013 was - not only for my family but for so many people I know. So many loved ones passed away in 2013 - parents, siblings, spouses - many dying suddenly and leaving family members grasping for answers. It seemed as if every other week I'd hear about more bad news about tragic deaths that affected people I know - from suicides to freak auto accidents, to sudden deaths from underlying medical problems. Stories of kids dying such as hearing in my SIDS online support group about a family who lost a baby to SIDS and had just lost another child six months earlier.  A friend who lost her father and brother within a couple months of each other. It really was a horrible year. I'm not normally superstitious but perhaps there is something to the "13" in 2013. Here's to hoping that 2014 brings happiness, peace, and joy to everyone!

We made it through Christmas. This was another reason I was so looking forward to the new year because it would signify that Christmas was over. Normally I cringe a bit as December approaches. I like Christmas, but to me December signifies 5,378 extra details to keep track of - from planning for and buying gifts for the kids, the husband, and other family members (thank goodness for Amazon Prime), to Christmas cards, baking cookies, teacher gifts, class parties, 3rd grade secret santa gifts, wrapping, cub scout Christmas caroling, 2 school/daycare Christmas programs, a piano recital, getting the tree, decorating, etc. etc. etc. It makes my head spin. On top of that Ben has a birthday in December so we have a party to plan, gifts, cake, class celebration, etc. So, yeah, December usually is fun but it's completely action-packed and stressful! On top of that I had a trip to the ER (3 year old fell and got a mild concussion) on the six month anniversary of Josh's death. It was hard walking back in that ER where I had to relive the worst day of my life, especially six months to the day it happened.  And this year I felt like I couldn't fully embrace the season. It was completely not fair that instead of taking fun pictures of Josh "opening" gifts as a 9 month old, we instead visited his grave on the way to Christmas Eve mass. We all struggled a bit in the weeks leading up to Christmas - the kids were a bit more emotional and we had our moments. At the mass the Sunday before Christmas I was a bawling mess; in part from dealing with the feelings of missing my child during this time of year and in part due to the fact that a baby named Joshua was baptized at that mass (I mean, really?? If it didn't hurt the irony would almost be comical). So, the fact that we survived our first Christmas without Josh was to me a huge accomplishment. He was still with us in many ways - I ordered a stocking for him and it hung on the mantle like the rest of our family's. I also bought a special ornament that I felt perfectly reflected him in heaven - it's an infant wrapped in heart-shaped angel wings.

 

We also finally got Josh's official death certificate and his official cause of death. It was indeed Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Although not unexpected, I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand I'm glad that there was no underlying disease or illness that would make me question if I had missed any signs. However the diagnosis of SIDS to me is still not really an answer. It's a diagnosis of exclusion - basically after the autopsy and all the tests they still have no idea why he died. I am planning to write another post soon about SIDS and what it is and isn't. There is so much confusion about this diagnosis (for example it is NOT suffocation) that I feel it important to set the record straight. 

Finally, I have a brief update on "J", the guy who was in that horrible accident. Luckily he will walk again after undergoing several surgeries and rehab. I'm told he is at home now and doing well all things considered. The guy who hit him was charged with a DUI and also had been charged with another DUI the week before the accident. Hopefully he will lose his license for a long, long time and get the help he so obviously needs. 

We continue to soldier on as best we can and continue to remain thankful for everyone's support, love, and prayers. Let's all hope and pray for a happy, healthy 2014. My sister Laura has declared it the "Year of All the Good Things" and I hope she is right!

 

It All Can Change in an Instant

Normally we go to church on Sunday mornings but today we decided to go to the Saturday evening mass instead. Today was a hectic day - we had Ben's birthday party until the early afternoon and my husband went straight from there to a scouting event. We decided to meet up at church this evening so on Sunday morning I could get out for a few hours and work on some Christmas shopping. After mass I told my husband to take the kids with him and I was going to stop and pick up some barbeque for dinner. As I was driving home (it was dark outside - about 6:45 pm), I noticed cars merging from two lanes to one. I signal to get over and then notice a few cars with their hazard lights on and then noticed one of them was my husband's truck. I pull up behind him and put on my blinkers (still not sure what is going on because I can't see anything) and get out. I see my husband on the phone (he was calling 911) and then notice a man up ahead on the ground next to a car screaming in pain. I knelt down next to him and grabbed his hand and started asking him questions. His legs were mangled and since he was breathing and talking my main goal was to keep him calm and not moving. He was upset and in shock and kept trying to sit up to see his legs but I did my best to keep him talking, lying still and squeezing my hand. I also had to firmly tell his buddies to stop trying to take off his shoes and to not touch him. They were just trying to help since their friend was screaming at them his feet hurt. After a few minutes the police, EMS, and firemen came and took over.
What had happened was a freak series of events. Apparently the guy "J" who got hit (24 years old) was following his brother's car who was following their father's work truck (they were finishing up a contractor job and driving home following one another). The brother's car broke down so J parked his car behind it with his flashers on because the brother's flashers weren't working. J was standing in between the front of his car and the back of his brother's trying to wave traffic over while his father was getting ready to tow the brother's car. A car going full speed (about 45 mph) hit J's car which hit him and he smashed onto the hood/windshield of his car and then got pinned between his car and his brother's. That is when my husband pulled up as the brother and his friend were waving and panicking. J's father was a quick thinker and pulled the brother's car forward with his work truck while my husband and the other two helped lift up the car to un-pin J. That's when I happened to pull up (probably at least 5 minutes after it happened). The driver of the car who hit J didn't approach or do anything. Turns out he was intoxicated - after J was taken away in the ambulance, the officers questioned everyone and did the sobriety test on the driver of the car. Then they arrested him. J's brother, friend, and father were very appreciative of our help and I did take their number so I will hopefully get a status update at some point. J had some very serious injuries and the impact was so hard that I am concerned he has other serious injuries that we can't see.
All during this my husband and I kept checking back on our kids (who were safe in the truck but tired and hungry) and they were patient and enthralled by all the police activity. This whole experience tonight opened my eyes to a few things:
1. Not one person except my husband and I (who were driving separately and were at least 5 minutes apart from each other since I stopped to pick up food) stopped to help. People literally drove by the scene without pulling over. Yes, it was dark but it was obvious EMS weren't there, it was a serious accident, and people needed help. Are we as a society so self-involved or in such a hurry that we can't take a few minutes to make sure everyone is ok? How would they feel if they were the ones laying on the ground pinned between two cars with their legs crushed and no one stopped? It boggles my mind.
2. The drunk driver who caused this tragic accident was *this* close to MY family. He could have just as easily hit my husband and kids since they were within seconds of each other on the road. How dare he be so selfish to risk MY children's lives? I pray that he gets the help he obviously needs. And he probably isn't a bad person but he made a very poor choice that is going to have a negative impact not only on his life but the life of a 24 year old who was simply finishing up a day of hard work.
3. Witnessing this horrible accident is a wake up call that I need to be less distracted on the road. I need to ignore my phone, not get distracted by the kids, and focus my attention better. In a split second lives can be altered. I know that from first hand experience with losing Josh but tonight also served as a reminder to me.
4. Tonight was also an example of how all things seem to happen for a reason. There was a reason why we decided to go to mass tonight instead of our typical Sunday morning. There was a reason we were on the same road at the time of that accident. There was probably a reason that the driver got arrested - perhaps this event will actually save his life from the awful disease of alcoholism. No one really knows for sure but it does make me wonder.

Anyway, please keep J in your prayers that he is able to fully heal from his injuries and has the strength to get him through what challenges are sure to lay ahead for him. Please pray for his father, brother, and friend as what they witnessed happen to their loved one is very traumatic. Please pray for the man who hit J - pray he gets the help he needs as well as for his family as they will also be suffering as a result of this. And let this be a lesson to us all - don't take life for granted because in a split second everything can change. Don't put things off for tomorrow - take charge now by working hard, making the changes you want, and living life to the fullest. And we all need to realize that our choices have consequences, no matter how big or small the choice is. I'm sure that driver didn't intend to hurt anyone tonight but he made a poor choice and now has to live with the consequences for the rest of his life.