Thursday, March 2, 2017
Saturday, August 27, 2016
CHILLS!
It's been awhile since I've posted, which to me is a good sign that I'm healing. Recently Josh gave us yet another sign that he is certainly here with us and I just had to share this one.
We went on our beach trip in July - a week which I refer to as a "change of venue" as the beach with young kids isn't exactly relaxing. Our week was great - lots of quality family time both on and off the beach. Where we vacation there is a military base close by so frequently there are military helicopters doing training exercises up and down the coast. The kids (and me too!) get a kick out of watching them. We saw 3 rainbows that week - a sure sign Josh was there too as since he died we have seen rainbows every time we are there. The beach has always been special to our family and after Josh passed away we started the tradition of bottling up some sand and ocean water and each of us bringing back a shell for him. We then visit his grave and sprinkle the sand and water and place the shells around his gravestone. It's our way of including him in our vacation.
So this year it took us a couple weeks to make a trip to his grave after we returned from the beach. After we placed the shells and spread the sand and water we take turns either saying a prayer or whatever comes to mind. I told Josh we missed him at the beach but know he was there in spirit because of the rainbows we saw. Leah immediately chimes in and says, "And the helicopters!". We laughed because what she said was so random and weird.
Then, as we are going to get in the car to leave a military helicopter flies directly overhead across the sky. CHILLS! It was very similar to the type we saw at the beach and flew over within a minute of Leah mentioning it. And it's not like we get military choppers flying around here too often. I knew it was a sign from Josh that he hears us and is with us. And funny that those helicopters were symbolic for Leah and I would have never thought of that until we got that sign.
These signs are what keep me going - knowing that I simply have to be patient to be with my child again but that it WILL happen. I am so thankful!
So, for those who have suffered loss - look around. Your loved ones will show you they are with you if you open your heart and mind to it. And keep em coming Josh!
We went on our beach trip in July - a week which I refer to as a "change of venue" as the beach with young kids isn't exactly relaxing. Our week was great - lots of quality family time both on and off the beach. Where we vacation there is a military base close by so frequently there are military helicopters doing training exercises up and down the coast. The kids (and me too!) get a kick out of watching them. We saw 3 rainbows that week - a sure sign Josh was there too as since he died we have seen rainbows every time we are there. The beach has always been special to our family and after Josh passed away we started the tradition of bottling up some sand and ocean water and each of us bringing back a shell for him. We then visit his grave and sprinkle the sand and water and place the shells around his gravestone. It's our way of including him in our vacation.
So this year it took us a couple weeks to make a trip to his grave after we returned from the beach. After we placed the shells and spread the sand and water we take turns either saying a prayer or whatever comes to mind. I told Josh we missed him at the beach but know he was there in spirit because of the rainbows we saw. Leah immediately chimes in and says, "And the helicopters!". We laughed because what she said was so random and weird.
Then, as we are going to get in the car to leave a military helicopter flies directly overhead across the sky. CHILLS! It was very similar to the type we saw at the beach and flew over within a minute of Leah mentioning it. And it's not like we get military choppers flying around here too often. I knew it was a sign from Josh that he hears us and is with us. And funny that those helicopters were symbolic for Leah and I would have never thought of that until we got that sign.
These signs are what keep me going - knowing that I simply have to be patient to be with my child again but that it WILL happen. I am so thankful!
So, for those who have suffered loss - look around. Your loved ones will show you they are with you if you open your heart and mind to it. And keep em coming Josh!
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
3rd Heavenly Birthday
Happy Birthday to my angel in heaven. Mommy loves you and misses you so much Josh! You have blessed my life in more ways than I can count. I continue to see the signs that you are here with us - from the small yellow butterfly that flew over to us during our family photo shoot on a 42 degree chilly morning last November to the rainbow over our house last week after storms and tornado warnings. I am so thankful that you give me tangible signs as they help keep me going.
Your siblings continue to talk about you on an almost daily basis - they love you so much! Your picture is still on our refrigerator and the background on my phone. I almost always wear one of my "Josh" necklaces as another reminder of you. However even if I didn't have those I'd be fine because you are very much alive and present in my heart and mind. Even though I only had you in my arms for 3 1/2 months, you are part of me and our family forever. Nothing will ever change that.
It's so hard to believe that 3 years ago you were born. I remember the excitement of that day and thought that you completed our family. Well, even though Anna has joined our family since then, I still think you have completed us. You are like this glue that binds us all together. You have touched my life in ways I can't even articulate and we are all so proud to have you in our family. Not many people can make such a difference in 3 months on earth but you sure did. I love you so much and can't wait to see you again. Happy Birthday my sweet boy.
Your siblings continue to talk about you on an almost daily basis - they love you so much! Your picture is still on our refrigerator and the background on my phone. I almost always wear one of my "Josh" necklaces as another reminder of you. However even if I didn't have those I'd be fine because you are very much alive and present in my heart and mind. Even though I only had you in my arms for 3 1/2 months, you are part of me and our family forever. Nothing will ever change that.
It's so hard to believe that 3 years ago you were born. I remember the excitement of that day and thought that you completed our family. Well, even though Anna has joined our family since then, I still think you have completed us. You are like this glue that binds us all together. You have touched my life in ways I can't even articulate and we are all so proud to have you in our family. Not many people can make such a difference in 3 months on earth but you sure did. I love you so much and can't wait to see you again. Happy Birthday my sweet boy.
Friday, January 1, 2016
First and Last Breaths
A new year dawned today. It's been quite awhile since my last post - 2015 was a challenging year. We adopted Anna - although a truly amazing and positive experience it was still stressful and emotional. I made a major decision to leave my job and go into private practice. There were other events over the year but by far the worst for me was my dad's death. He had a series of health issues and died on September 16th.
I was so fortunate to be present and by my dad's side when he took his last breath. And how lucky I was to be there when Anna was born. Not many adoptive mothers get to be present when their child is born. When Anna took that first breath my heart grew and when my dad took his last breath a part of my heart died with him. I was greatly comforted by the fact that as my dad took his last breath he was meeting Josh in heaven. My dad always had a special connection with Josh and would always state he wished God had taken him instead of Josh. Perhaps it was the fact that Josh's middle name was my dad's first name - Frank. Perhaps it was that Josh was just special to him. Regardless I'm glad they are reunited again.
I wasn't really sure what to expect in terms of grief after losing my dad. People have always said that losing a child is the greatest loss - having never lost a parent or sibling I had nothing to compare it to up until my dad's death. And I write this with the knowledge and understanding that grief is different for everyone - circumstances are different, coping skills are different, the experience itself is different. Now, having lost a child and a parent I've experienced grief both ways. And, for me, losing my dad was a totally different experience than losing Josh. Yes, Josh's death was sudden and hit me like a mack truck and my dad's was somewhat more expected and maybe that's why. But I also think that the loss of a child, young or old, takes away your core. Losing my dad I still feel like me, and I commented to people at the funeral how I could still function and breathe. Losing my child I could barely survive - it felt that I was being pushed under water and fighting for a breath. For months and months. And even now, 2 1/2 years later I still have those feelings from time to time. Perhaps it's the fact that Josh was a baby, so innocent and his time here on earth SO short and my dad lived his life. I really don't know.
What I do know is that I was blessed to be there at the very beginning of my daughter's life and at the very end of my father's. And for that I am truly thankful.
I love you and miss you dad. I hope you and Josh are having a blast up there.
I was so fortunate to be present and by my dad's side when he took his last breath. And how lucky I was to be there when Anna was born. Not many adoptive mothers get to be present when their child is born. When Anna took that first breath my heart grew and when my dad took his last breath a part of my heart died with him. I was greatly comforted by the fact that as my dad took his last breath he was meeting Josh in heaven. My dad always had a special connection with Josh and would always state he wished God had taken him instead of Josh. Perhaps it was the fact that Josh's middle name was my dad's first name - Frank. Perhaps it was that Josh was just special to him. Regardless I'm glad they are reunited again.
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| Josh and my dad meeting for the first time. |
What I do know is that I was blessed to be there at the very beginning of my daughter's life and at the very end of my father's. And for that I am truly thankful.
I love you and miss you dad. I hope you and Josh are having a blast up there.
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
Two Years
I miss him and have never wanted something so badly. Two years ago almost to the exact time as I write this post Josh passed away. A part of me still can't believe it. A part of me is still in shock and still reeling from the trauma. I hate these stupid dates. June 10th will forever be a crappy day that I have to figure out how to get through each year. For weeks ahead of time it looms on the horizon - I can see it but can't get there yet. It's like it taunts me. It's in the air, it's on my mind, and I have a sense of trepidation. Kind of like the feeling you get when you have a big exam and you know you haven't studied enough and aren't fully prepared for it. It's uncomfortable and it just plain sucks. All big dates have that sense of dread - holidays, birthdays, Mother's day, etc. But today is the worst because it is THE day. The day that for reasons I still question, God called Josh to heaven.
I have been a mixed up jumble of emotions these past few months. There are times I want to cry but can't for whatever reason. I fully realize that we would not have Anna had Josh not passed away (bittersweet doesn't even come close to describing it but it's the only word I can think of). However I'm confident that God and Josh had a hand in our decision to pursue adoption as well as choosing the perfect baby for our family. Although we were open to adopting either a boy or girl I think God knew blessing us with a girl would be a bit easier for us to handle emotionally. Anna also recently surpassed the age Josh was when he died. I went back to work too - all the things that two years ago I was doing with Josh. It's hard not to let the fear get to me but I'm trying.
It's funny how life marches on and how quickly two years can go by. My heart is still beating even though a big piece is missing. In a way it's its own miracle. Time to tackle year #3 without my sweet boy. I love you so much Josh and can't wait to see you again.
I have been a mixed up jumble of emotions these past few months. There are times I want to cry but can't for whatever reason. I fully realize that we would not have Anna had Josh not passed away (bittersweet doesn't even come close to describing it but it's the only word I can think of). However I'm confident that God and Josh had a hand in our decision to pursue adoption as well as choosing the perfect baby for our family. Although we were open to adopting either a boy or girl I think God knew blessing us with a girl would be a bit easier for us to handle emotionally. Anna also recently surpassed the age Josh was when he died. I went back to work too - all the things that two years ago I was doing with Josh. It's hard not to let the fear get to me but I'm trying.
It's funny how life marches on and how quickly two years can go by. My heart is still beating even though a big piece is missing. In a way it's its own miracle. Time to tackle year #3 without my sweet boy. I love you so much Josh and can't wait to see you again.
Sunday, May 10, 2015
What Mother's Day is Really About
Today is a special day. It's when mothers are honored by their children and (hopefully) by the fathers of their children. It's when moms are treated like queens, get a break from the dishes and laundry for a day, get handmade gifts from their young children, flowers or a card from their older ones. This Mother's Day is the second one without one of my children to share it with me. And it got me thinking that there are different facets of motherhood that I've experienced whether I wanted to or not. Things that many have strong opinions on and sometimes fuel the "mommy wars". For example, I've had three vaginal births as well as have had a c-section. I have also adopted a baby who was birthed by another woman. No matter how my babies entered the world, they are still mine. I have successfully breastfed four babies and have formula fed another. No matter how I fed my babies I have provided nourishment to them. I have experienced two of my children having surgery (one of which was major), a concussion, broken bone, countless fevers, rashes, illnesses and have spent numerous hours worrying, caring for, and comforting them. No matter what the ailment was, I tried my best to take away their discomfort. I have worked while raising my kids because I know I'm a better mom to them when I'm busy and enjoying what I do and know I don't have the patience or creativity to be a stay at home mom. No matter my decision to work versus stay at home I do what I do out of love for them. I have buried a child and helped my other children through their grief while trying to cope with my own. No matter if my children are here on earth or up in heaven, I love them with my whole heart and soul.
So this Mother's Day I think it's important to recognize all the different types of moms out there. There are women who long to be mothers but their bodies aren't cooperating with their dream, there are women who have lost angels before birth, there are women who have lost infants or children to long illnesses or to tragic events. There are elderly mothers who have had to bury their adult children before it was their time. There are women who are just trying to do their best - no matter if they decided to breast or bottle feed, work or stay at home, give their baby up for adoption to ensure them a better life, have their baby naturally or via c-section, and the list goes on. My point is that ALL mothers deserve to be honored, cherished, and supported - not just by their children or spouses but by other mothers. We are all on our own scary journey - everyone's is a little different but we all have one common goal - to do what's best for our children. And that is something to be proud of.
Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful ladies out there!
So this Mother's Day I think it's important to recognize all the different types of moms out there. There are women who long to be mothers but their bodies aren't cooperating with their dream, there are women who have lost angels before birth, there are women who have lost infants or children to long illnesses or to tragic events. There are elderly mothers who have had to bury their adult children before it was their time. There are women who are just trying to do their best - no matter if they decided to breast or bottle feed, work or stay at home, give their baby up for adoption to ensure them a better life, have their baby naturally or via c-section, and the list goes on. My point is that ALL mothers deserve to be honored, cherished, and supported - not just by their children or spouses but by other mothers. We are all on our own scary journey - everyone's is a little different but we all have one common goal - to do what's best for our children. And that is something to be proud of.
Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful ladies out there!
Monday, April 13, 2015
Josh is a big brother!
This post is delayed for a couple reasons. 1. Life with a newborn is busy and 2. I have to be in a certain frame of mind to write these blog posts and I only recently felt like writing this one.
So....our family has been blessed with a new addition! Anna Louise was born on February 20th and is a happy and healthy bundle of joy! She came into our lives through adoption and we are so blessed.
We have fielded many questions about our journey and I thought I'd share a bit here. We had thought about adoption several times and I had researched it casually for years. But, the cost was always a deterrent for us as well as we could have our own biological children without difficulty. However, after Josh died, it was like we were driven to pursue adoption - a "calling" some would say. We just knew we weren't done. We started the process a couple months after Josh died, knowing it could take awhile. Some agencies wouldn't even talk to us because they felt we needed at least six months to grieve after Josh died. It honestly pissed me off because who were these strangers to say when we'd be emotionally ready to add another child to our family? Although rationally I understand their reasoning, any parent who has lost a child knows that there is no time limit on grief. Anyway, we found a great agency to work with and got the ball rolling. Six weeks after we went "live" we were matched with a mother due in a few months. That match "failed" (adoption lingo). Basically we were chosen but due to several circumstances and poor choices of the birth mother after her baby was born the adoption plan fell through. Fortunately we never met the baby but at the time I felt like we couldn't catch a break, given all we'd been through. Our adoption adviser gave us good advice though and told us that experience was just getting us one step closer to OUR child. And she was right!
Fast forward several more months and we got a call that a birth mother who was due in a month wanted us to be the parents for her child. We were able to be there for Anna's birth (she happened to be born in North Carolina!) and are blessed that she has an amazing birth mother and birth family. We were able to care for her immediately and welcomed her with open arms. The best word to explain the experience at the hospital with her birth, the adoption process, the emotions of all involved is "surreal." It was wonderful, exhausting, happy, sad, anxiety-ridden, and so very special. We have nothing but the utmost respect and love for her birth mother.
We didn't share with many people the fact that we were pursuing adoption because of all the ups and downs that it can entail. Our kids knew of course that eventually they'd have a new brother or sister. Anna has fit right into the chaos and the kids dote on her. We've all had our struggles emotionally as we've welcomed a new baby into the house. While expected, it's still hard. Having the physical presence of a baby in the house again definitely brought up lots of feelings. We have encouraged the kids to talk about it and reassure them that it's okay to miss Josh but still be happy that Anna is here. On Josh's birthday - I was so sad on the one hand but also so happy to be holding Anna in my arms. Such conflicted feelings. I am also so SCARED that something will happen to her. If I'm honest, I'm scared something will happen to any one of my kids at any point for the rest of my life. Prior to bringing her home, I was sure I would never sleep again and just stay up to make sure she was breathing but I've honestly done better than expected. Rationally I know that SIDS can't be prevented and the chances of it happening are so slim but it still scares me! I am fortunate that I've been able to keep my anxiety in check and get sleep as I know other SIDS parents aren't so lucky.
So now when people ask how many children I have I answer "Five - four on earth and one in heaven." I know if we'd never lost Josh that Anna wouldn't be in our family - for me that is a hard pill to swallow. But I know Josh had his hand in all of this and I think he picked Anna for us. The day of his second birthday was also the day the birth mother's revocation period expired (meaning we could breath a sigh of relief that Anna was definitely ours!). What a wonderful birthday present that Josh gave to us.
While Anna will never get to meet her big brother we know that he will be looking out for her from above. And I thank God for giving us the strength to choose adoption. We are truly blessed.
So....our family has been blessed with a new addition! Anna Louise was born on February 20th and is a happy and healthy bundle of joy! She came into our lives through adoption and we are so blessed.
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| Happy Birthday Anna! |
Fast forward several more months and we got a call that a birth mother who was due in a month wanted us to be the parents for her child. We were able to be there for Anna's birth (she happened to be born in North Carolina!) and are blessed that she has an amazing birth mother and birth family. We were able to care for her immediately and welcomed her with open arms. The best word to explain the experience at the hospital with her birth, the adoption process, the emotions of all involved is "surreal." It was wonderful, exhausting, happy, sad, anxiety-ridden, and so very special. We have nothing but the utmost respect and love for her birth mother.
We didn't share with many people the fact that we were pursuing adoption because of all the ups and downs that it can entail. Our kids knew of course that eventually they'd have a new brother or sister. Anna has fit right into the chaos and the kids dote on her. We've all had our struggles emotionally as we've welcomed a new baby into the house. While expected, it's still hard. Having the physical presence of a baby in the house again definitely brought up lots of feelings. We have encouraged the kids to talk about it and reassure them that it's okay to miss Josh but still be happy that Anna is here. On Josh's birthday - I was so sad on the one hand but also so happy to be holding Anna in my arms. Such conflicted feelings. I am also so SCARED that something will happen to her. If I'm honest, I'm scared something will happen to any one of my kids at any point for the rest of my life. Prior to bringing her home, I was sure I would never sleep again and just stay up to make sure she was breathing but I've honestly done better than expected. Rationally I know that SIDS can't be prevented and the chances of it happening are so slim but it still scares me! I am fortunate that I've been able to keep my anxiety in check and get sleep as I know other SIDS parents aren't so lucky.
So now when people ask how many children I have I answer "Five - four on earth and one in heaven." I know if we'd never lost Josh that Anna wouldn't be in our family - for me that is a hard pill to swallow. But I know Josh had his hand in all of this and I think he picked Anna for us. The day of his second birthday was also the day the birth mother's revocation period expired (meaning we could breath a sigh of relief that Anna was definitely ours!). What a wonderful birthday present that Josh gave to us.
While Anna will never get to meet her big brother we know that he will be looking out for her from above. And I thank God for giving us the strength to choose adoption. We are truly blessed.
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| Anna at six weeks old and sweet as can be! |
Monday, March 2, 2015
Happy Birthday My Sweet Boy
Happy Birthday Josh! It's so hard to believe you would have been two years old already. I can only imagine the trouble you'd be getting into - I wonder if you would have visited the time out corner by now? My guess would be yes, especially if you took after your brothers!
I hate writing about you in the past tense because I know you are very much here and alive in many ways even though your body isn't. There is no right way I guess.
We will be sending up your birthday balloons to you today - I hope you can catch them! Your siblings are excited to celebrate you today - Ben has the house covered in balloons and Leah has been drawing you pictures. We will go out to dinner at the same restaurant we went to the night before you were born - a family tradition we started last year to celebrate YOU.
We miss you so much Josh. Not a minute goes by that I don't think about you. And we know you and God have been working together to watch over us and give us the strength to continue living our lives the best we can. We know you have a hand in the many blessings in our lives and we find so much comfort knowing you are here with us every step of the way. I hope you have an amazing birthday up in heaven little man. We love you so very much!
I hate writing about you in the past tense because I know you are very much here and alive in many ways even though your body isn't. There is no right way I guess.
We will be sending up your birthday balloons to you today - I hope you can catch them! Your siblings are excited to celebrate you today - Ben has the house covered in balloons and Leah has been drawing you pictures. We will go out to dinner at the same restaurant we went to the night before you were born - a family tradition we started last year to celebrate YOU.
We miss you so much Josh. Not a minute goes by that I don't think about you. And we know you and God have been working together to watch over us and give us the strength to continue living our lives the best we can. We know you have a hand in the many blessings in our lives and we find so much comfort knowing you are here with us every step of the way. I hope you have an amazing birthday up in heaven little man. We love you so very much!
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
A Space to Reflect
I can't believe it's almost Christmas again. This time of year is always a challenge due to so many Christmas activities and events - it's stressful and overwhelming even for those full of Christmas cheer. However it's so bittersweet for me now - hanging Josh's stocking on our mantle, knowing it will remain empty. Wishing he was physically present in our family pictures. That is one thing that really gets to me the most - every picture taken with our family is always incomplete. There is only one word that can really describe it - it sucks.
Since the holidays are so hectic it is hard to find time to have a quiet mind to reflect. For those who have lost a close loved one, especially a child, they know that grief never goes away. You never get over your loss, you just learn to live with it. But times like Christmas it's like the wound is opened again. Not having Josh sit on Santa's lap, not having him "help" with making cookies, not adding a column for him on my Christmas gift excel spreadsheet. Again, it sucks. Yet, this year I found a place I can go so I can have that mental space to reflect, remember, and grieve. I don't know how I missed this last year but am glad I found it now.
I recently found out about a support group specifically meant for parents who have lost a child. It's called The Compassionate Friends and is a national organization with over 600 chapters across the U.S. Every year during the holidays they hold a candlelight vigil to honor the memories of our lost children. I attended it this year (it happened to be held at our church) and found it incredibly helpful. Here I was with about 30 other local parents who have lost a child - ranging from Josh's age up to adult children. Parents who have lost their children due to cancer, disease, or sudden accidents. No matter what the cause, we all had a common bond and truly understood what one another was feeling. For example, even though the guy sitting next to me lost his teenage daughter several years ago, we shared the same burden. During the vigil we lit candles for our child, shared a little bit about our child while showing their picture, and did some readings to reflect our sorrow and to provide comfort. Although I was a sobbing mess it was exactly what I needed. It's so hard to find time to think and reflect between work, kids, and the holiday craziness, that this vigil forced me to do so without distraction. I was in dire need of an emotional release and felt so much better afterwards. Sad, yes, but also happy I had the time to honor my baby.
Prior to attending the vigil I spoke with a woman who had lost her teenage son to cancer the day we buried Josh. I remember hearing about it at Josh's funeral as the family is also involved in our church. This woman is planning to get a Compassionate Friends chapter started in Durham as the closest chapter is 40 minutes away. I am definitely planning on getting involved to help it get off the ground. It is such a need for parents to have a support network and resources to help them through their grief and as I've already experienced, I know it will be helpful to me as well.
At the vigil I spoke with a parent who said he has finally passed the point where he spends more time thinking about his child's life than of her death. I am looking forward to when that happens for me. Most of the time when I think about Josh I think about the day he died and every.single.detail of that day. I would love to have my mind full of the times when we cuddled or he "ran" with me, or when he'd stare at my other kids in awe. There was so much wonderful time I got to spend with him - I just wish my brain would focus on that instead of that awful day.
Well, I could ramble forever but want to extend a cyber "hug" to other parents whose Christmas is bittersweet this year. And while I'm at it to anyone who is feeling empty or missing someone. It sucks. But I'm hopeful we can all find some comfort and joy this Christmas. Be kind to yourselves. Merry Christmas!
Since the holidays are so hectic it is hard to find time to have a quiet mind to reflect. For those who have lost a close loved one, especially a child, they know that grief never goes away. You never get over your loss, you just learn to live with it. But times like Christmas it's like the wound is opened again. Not having Josh sit on Santa's lap, not having him "help" with making cookies, not adding a column for him on my Christmas gift excel spreadsheet. Again, it sucks. Yet, this year I found a place I can go so I can have that mental space to reflect, remember, and grieve. I don't know how I missed this last year but am glad I found it now.
I recently found out about a support group specifically meant for parents who have lost a child. It's called The Compassionate Friends and is a national organization with over 600 chapters across the U.S. Every year during the holidays they hold a candlelight vigil to honor the memories of our lost children. I attended it this year (it happened to be held at our church) and found it incredibly helpful. Here I was with about 30 other local parents who have lost a child - ranging from Josh's age up to adult children. Parents who have lost their children due to cancer, disease, or sudden accidents. No matter what the cause, we all had a common bond and truly understood what one another was feeling. For example, even though the guy sitting next to me lost his teenage daughter several years ago, we shared the same burden. During the vigil we lit candles for our child, shared a little bit about our child while showing their picture, and did some readings to reflect our sorrow and to provide comfort. Although I was a sobbing mess it was exactly what I needed. It's so hard to find time to think and reflect between work, kids, and the holiday craziness, that this vigil forced me to do so without distraction. I was in dire need of an emotional release and felt so much better afterwards. Sad, yes, but also happy I had the time to honor my baby.
Prior to attending the vigil I spoke with a woman who had lost her teenage son to cancer the day we buried Josh. I remember hearing about it at Josh's funeral as the family is also involved in our church. This woman is planning to get a Compassionate Friends chapter started in Durham as the closest chapter is 40 minutes away. I am definitely planning on getting involved to help it get off the ground. It is such a need for parents to have a support network and resources to help them through their grief and as I've already experienced, I know it will be helpful to me as well.
At the vigil I spoke with a parent who said he has finally passed the point where he spends more time thinking about his child's life than of her death. I am looking forward to when that happens for me. Most of the time when I think about Josh I think about the day he died and every.single.detail of that day. I would love to have my mind full of the times when we cuddled or he "ran" with me, or when he'd stare at my other kids in awe. There was so much wonderful time I got to spend with him - I just wish my brain would focus on that instead of that awful day.
Well, I could ramble forever but want to extend a cyber "hug" to other parents whose Christmas is bittersweet this year. And while I'm at it to anyone who is feeling empty or missing someone. It sucks. But I'm hopeful we can all find some comfort and joy this Christmas. Be kind to yourselves. Merry Christmas!
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Gone but still present
I've been reading a bit lately about the afterlife. I read "Heaven is For Real" and am also reading a book of vignettes of people who have lost loved ones and receive signs that they are still around. Although I have always believed in heaven I never really knew what to believe about spirits or ghosts or signs from above. Since Josh died I'm convinced there is a spiritual realm and that our lost loved ones are still with us on some level. Now, you may think I've lost my mind but after reading other people's accounts of signs they too have received as well as talking to friends who have lost loved ones (including a friend who lost her child), it is just too much evidence to ignore. So I figured I'd share some of the things I've experienced the past 15 months:
Messages from Above
Shortly after Josh died I remember laying in bed one night and the most surreal feeling came over me. It was sort of like a dream but I remember seeing only light and I had the most warm and amazing feeling for a few minutes. It was nothing like I'd ever experienced before but was distinct and almost indescribable. The sense of comfort and peace I got from those few moments was what I believe to be a little snapshot of what heaven is like.
Shortly after Josh died I remember laying in bed one night and the most surreal feeling came over me. It was sort of like a dream but I remember seeing only light and I had the most warm and amazing feeling for a few minutes. It was nothing like I'd ever experienced before but was distinct and almost indescribable. The sense of comfort and peace I got from those few moments was what I believe to be a little snapshot of what heaven is like.
Every night at dinner we say grace and then pray for someone in need. We wrap up our prayer asking Josh to watch over us. One night just as we said that part the towel we have hanging near our kitchen door (to have handy for wet dog feet) fell to the ground. It was almost the exact instant we said Josh's name. I even said "hi Josh" as it happened because it was so obvious it was a sign from him.
Hummingbirds
We've had a hummingbird come "visit" us this summer during dinner by hovering outside our kitchen windows (next to the table), watch us for a minute and then fly away. This is also new to us. We've had hummingbirds before but never one who was a regular visitor during dinner, at the same time and place almost every day.
We've had a hummingbird come "visit" us this summer during dinner by hovering outside our kitchen windows (next to the table), watch us for a minute and then fly away. This is also new to us. We've had hummingbirds before but never one who was a regular visitor during dinner, at the same time and place almost every day.
Ladybugs
Last fall I was at the beach for my annual weekend with some girl friends and was feeling pretty emotional. I had gone out to the beach by myself and just as I sat down a ladybug came and rested on my knee. I just knew it was yet another sign. I mean, how often do you see ladybugs on the beach?
And just a couple weeks ago during our family beach vacation I noticed a little yellow ladybug crawling on a lamp in our beach house. I watched it for a few seconds and then it literally disappeared. It didn't fly or fall but I blinked and it was gone.
Butterflies
I never really noticed butterflies but since Josh died I notice them all the time. The seem to fly near me when I need a little pick me up and several times I just get this feeling that these butterflies come when I need them.
I will never forget the time I went out for a morning run (a week or two after Josh's death) when it was slightly foggy and just before dawn. This most amazing thing was flying near me - something I hadn't seen before. I honestly didn't know what it was (I couldn't tell if it was a bird or a butterfly)- it was so beautiful though. Turns out it was a Luna Moth, which I only recently found out symbolizes the soul of lost loved ones. If you have never seen a Luna Moth fly before, it really is a spectacular site. I literally stopped running when I saw it - it was that unique and special.
Last fall I was at the beach for my annual weekend with some girl friends and was feeling pretty emotional. I had gone out to the beach by myself and just as I sat down a ladybug came and rested on my knee. I just knew it was yet another sign. I mean, how often do you see ladybugs on the beach?
And just a couple weeks ago during our family beach vacation I noticed a little yellow ladybug crawling on a lamp in our beach house. I watched it for a few seconds and then it literally disappeared. It didn't fly or fall but I blinked and it was gone.
Butterflies
I never really noticed butterflies but since Josh died I notice them all the time. The seem to fly near me when I need a little pick me up and several times I just get this feeling that these butterflies come when I need them.
I will never forget the time I went out for a morning run (a week or two after Josh's death) when it was slightly foggy and just before dawn. This most amazing thing was flying near me - something I hadn't seen before. I honestly didn't know what it was (I couldn't tell if it was a bird or a butterfly)- it was so beautiful though. Turns out it was a Luna Moth, which I only recently found out symbolizes the soul of lost loved ones. If you have never seen a Luna Moth fly before, it really is a spectacular site. I literally stopped running when I saw it - it was that unique and special.
When we received the beautiful stained glass piece from the families at Josh's daycare, I became emotional and choked up. Immediately after they delivered the gift and left, I had to go outside (I think we were on our way somewhere) and I immediately saw a butterfly. I knew it was a sign from above and looked up to the sky and said a quiet "thank you" to God.
Rainbows
Rainbows
Probably the biggest sign of all and one I will never forget is the beautiful rainbow that appeared the night of the Team Josh dinner (the night before the big Team Josh run at the Bull City Race Fest). The evening had already been so special and filled with emotion and that rainbow appeared out of nowhere as the evening started to wind down. There had been no thunderstorm - just slight drizzle and a dusky sun. That rainbow brought not only me but others to tears as I know it was Josh saying "I'm here" and "Thank You".
The other very special rainbow was the one I saw the day of Josh's first birthday. I had prayed the entire week prior I would see a rainbow on his birthday as a sign from him, but when it was sixty degrees and sunny all day I lost hope. Late in the day as we prepared to visit his grave, Jake showed me the card he made to attach to the balloon he was going to release. Jake had drawn a colorful rainbow. If that wasn't a sign from God or Josh (or both!) I don't know what is!
Just recently on the kids' first day of school we had small rainbow show up in our back yard. The sun was out and there was a passing rain shower that produced the smallest rainbow I've seen. I first saw a butterfly which drew my attention to it. Perhaps it was Josh wanting to tell the kids he was excited for their first day of school?
Numbers and Dates
Aside from all these signs I've received I also feel like there have been too many "coincidences" with dates and numbers to ignore. One that I feel is really odd has a little back story to it. As a child, I'd always prayed that I would die on my hundredth birthday in my sleep. Don't ask me why - probably my uptight personality wanting to make sure I had that little detail taken care of. It became a joke between my husband and I - we'd joke if he'd be able to come along or he'd tease me about it. Having been together for almost 20 years this joke has come up several times. Well, a few months ago I was reading a report from our insurance company and the report stated Josh was 100 days old when he died. I had never done the math but knew he was 14 weeks and 2 days old when he died (which obviously adds up to 100 days). And Josh died in his sleep. If he had died on any other day or another way I wouldn't think twice about it. Very, very odd.
Josh died on my sister in law's birthday. My birthday happens to be National Infant Loss and Remembrance Day. Again, some may say it's a coincidence but I think there is some meaning behind these numbers and dates.
So, all of these odd experiences or unusual coincidences may not mean a darn thing. However the feeling I get from them is difficult to articulate yet on some level I know both Josh and God are present with us. And perhaps it's a feeling we aren't meant to completely understand. To hear how other people experience similar things just furthers my faith that there has to be something beyond life as we know it. And in times when I'm missing Josh terribly and yearn to just touch him or hold him again I'm comforted by the fact that I will see him again. And although he isn't physically here, he is still very present and will always be a special part of our family.
Mommy loves you Josh and I look forward to your next "visit".
The other very special rainbow was the one I saw the day of Josh's first birthday. I had prayed the entire week prior I would see a rainbow on his birthday as a sign from him, but when it was sixty degrees and sunny all day I lost hope. Late in the day as we prepared to visit his grave, Jake showed me the card he made to attach to the balloon he was going to release. Jake had drawn a colorful rainbow. If that wasn't a sign from God or Josh (or both!) I don't know what is!
Just recently on the kids' first day of school we had small rainbow show up in our back yard. The sun was out and there was a passing rain shower that produced the smallest rainbow I've seen. I first saw a butterfly which drew my attention to it. Perhaps it was Josh wanting to tell the kids he was excited for their first day of school?
Numbers and Dates
Aside from all these signs I've received I also feel like there have been too many "coincidences" with dates and numbers to ignore. One that I feel is really odd has a little back story to it. As a child, I'd always prayed that I would die on my hundredth birthday in my sleep. Don't ask me why - probably my uptight personality wanting to make sure I had that little detail taken care of. It became a joke between my husband and I - we'd joke if he'd be able to come along or he'd tease me about it. Having been together for almost 20 years this joke has come up several times. Well, a few months ago I was reading a report from our insurance company and the report stated Josh was 100 days old when he died. I had never done the math but knew he was 14 weeks and 2 days old when he died (which obviously adds up to 100 days). And Josh died in his sleep. If he had died on any other day or another way I wouldn't think twice about it. Very, very odd.
Josh died on my sister in law's birthday. My birthday happens to be National Infant Loss and Remembrance Day. Again, some may say it's a coincidence but I think there is some meaning behind these numbers and dates.
So, all of these odd experiences or unusual coincidences may not mean a darn thing. However the feeling I get from them is difficult to articulate yet on some level I know both Josh and God are present with us. And perhaps it's a feeling we aren't meant to completely understand. To hear how other people experience similar things just furthers my faith that there has to be something beyond life as we know it. And in times when I'm missing Josh terribly and yearn to just touch him or hold him again I'm comforted by the fact that I will see him again. And although he isn't physically here, he is still very present and will always be a special part of our family.
Mommy loves you Josh and I look forward to your next "visit".
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
One year
One year. It's so hard to believe that a whole year has passed since I've held my baby boy. Since I've smelled him and felt his little head rest in the crook of my neck. Since I've heard him cry or coo. Since I've fed him, talked to him, kissed him. Since I've rocked him while patting his little butt. Since I've simply watched his cute face and the funny baby expressions he made. One year with a part of me being gone.
It's been hard. I won't lie. This past year has been a challenge to say the least. I've had to learn how to compartmentalize my emotions. There are times when it just isn't appropriate to break down and cry. Sometimes I have to put on a happy face when inside I just want to crawl in a hole and sob. There are times when I'm just cranky and irritable. I have to try to not let my sadness interfere with how I interact with my other kids. I tend to shed my tears in the car or at church nowadays. Yes, I'm that lady on the right side of the altar, about 7 pews back who has tissues on hand just in case every week. Early on after Josh died I'd cry A LOT, but now I can go weeks without shedding a tear. It's not that the grief isn't there but I guess with time I'm adapting.
The kids are still grieving in their own ways. Jake has his moments of sensitivity and sadness. He also is very sensitive to when one of his parents is feeling low and needs a hug. I don't want him to feel responsible for our happiness and I'm doing my best to make sure he knows that it's not up to him to make sure mommy is okay. Ben misses Josh a lot - he talks about him and questions us about heaven. He also has lots of questions and fears about death. It's hard to tell your kids that they don't need to worry about dying or about mommy or daddy dying until we are really old because obviously that isn't always true. We try our best to reassure them that heaven is like Disneyland (we went with the boys for a day about 4 years ago while in CA), except heaven is about 10 times more fun. That seems to ease their fears and give them comfort that even in death and the sadness that brings, that heaven is pretty awesome. We try to reassure them that in the rare event they lose us that they will be well taken care of and will be okay. That's something no kid should have to even worry about yet they know the reality of death. Leah's grieving process has been interesting. As she is maturing, she now really understands that Josh was a significant part of our family. It's kind of like she's playing "catch up" with the rest of us and is now making sense of everything that happened a year ago when she was a few months shy of 3 years old. She frequently says she wants Josh to be here and we know in her own way she misses him too.
We've had some trials and tribulations this past year - 3 trips to the ER (everyone is fine) and some other challenges. However if Josh's death has taught us anything it's that we will survive anything thrown at us and we are certainly not immune to bad things happening to us. I have a new calmness about me that I never had before. My tolerance for b.s. is also a lot lower than before. Things that used to seem like a big deal to me or that I would stress over don't even phase me these days. I don't have the patience or time for people who whine, rationalize bad behavior, or make up excuses for poor choices. Losing a child has altered my world view a bit and probably has hardened me in some ways and made me more confident in others.
Josh's picture has been on our fridge since a day or two after he died. It's at eye level so every time I go to the fridge I see him. He is still the background picture on my phone. Every time I get a text or email or swipe to unlock my phone I see his little smile. I can't bear to change it. I recently bought a little storage bench so I can move his things from a box in the closet into a more special place. I plan to fix it up and make it worthy of his things. I have yet to make an album of all the pictures from the poster boards at his viewing. Partly due to lack of time and partly because I can't figure out the perfect photo album for them.
The trauma of that day, June 10th, is forever etched in my mind. It is something I will never get over and I frequently think about. I'm learning how to live with the nagging heavy feeling of loss that is always there. I don't think it will ever go away. However I sometimes am able to momentarily "forget" and have some time when I can almost fully enjoy myself. I am able to laugh and have fun but at some point reality returns and that cloud comes back. That is something that is really maddening - that for the rest of my life I don't get to have that sense of complete and utter happiness. That feeling when you are 100% content. I had it before Josh died but I don't think it will ever return and that angers me.
We have been so fortunate to be supported and lifted up by SO MANY this past year. It has been humbling how many have reached out to us and continue to do so. Without the love and support of our family and friends I don't know how we'd survive this. Just recently we received a beautiful stained glass piece that was made to honor Josh. All the families at his daycare chipped in to have it made and they surprised us with it. He was only at daycare for a week and I didn't even meet many of the other parents yet they came together in a beautiful gesture of support for our family. Once we find the perfect spot to hang it I will share a picture of it. It's thoughtful gestures like these that mean the world to us. A random text or card from a friend saying she's thinking of me, my best friend giving me comfy pajama pants and chocolates just because, my coworker giving a consoling hug when I shed a tear, let alone the countless people praying for us every day.
Obviously I'm not posting as often on this blog. I do when the urge strikes and I am probably repeating myself from previous entries but it has helped me process. One day I hope to share this with my living children when they are older.
One year. One year without our sweet baby boy. One year closer to seeing him in heaven. Now time to start tackling year #2.
Mommy loves you Josh.
It's been hard. I won't lie. This past year has been a challenge to say the least. I've had to learn how to compartmentalize my emotions. There are times when it just isn't appropriate to break down and cry. Sometimes I have to put on a happy face when inside I just want to crawl in a hole and sob. There are times when I'm just cranky and irritable. I have to try to not let my sadness interfere with how I interact with my other kids. I tend to shed my tears in the car or at church nowadays. Yes, I'm that lady on the right side of the altar, about 7 pews back who has tissues on hand just in case every week. Early on after Josh died I'd cry A LOT, but now I can go weeks without shedding a tear. It's not that the grief isn't there but I guess with time I'm adapting.
The kids are still grieving in their own ways. Jake has his moments of sensitivity and sadness. He also is very sensitive to when one of his parents is feeling low and needs a hug. I don't want him to feel responsible for our happiness and I'm doing my best to make sure he knows that it's not up to him to make sure mommy is okay. Ben misses Josh a lot - he talks about him and questions us about heaven. He also has lots of questions and fears about death. It's hard to tell your kids that they don't need to worry about dying or about mommy or daddy dying until we are really old because obviously that isn't always true. We try our best to reassure them that heaven is like Disneyland (we went with the boys for a day about 4 years ago while in CA), except heaven is about 10 times more fun. That seems to ease their fears and give them comfort that even in death and the sadness that brings, that heaven is pretty awesome. We try to reassure them that in the rare event they lose us that they will be well taken care of and will be okay. That's something no kid should have to even worry about yet they know the reality of death. Leah's grieving process has been interesting. As she is maturing, she now really understands that Josh was a significant part of our family. It's kind of like she's playing "catch up" with the rest of us and is now making sense of everything that happened a year ago when she was a few months shy of 3 years old. She frequently says she wants Josh to be here and we know in her own way she misses him too.
We've had some trials and tribulations this past year - 3 trips to the ER (everyone is fine) and some other challenges. However if Josh's death has taught us anything it's that we will survive anything thrown at us and we are certainly not immune to bad things happening to us. I have a new calmness about me that I never had before. My tolerance for b.s. is also a lot lower than before. Things that used to seem like a big deal to me or that I would stress over don't even phase me these days. I don't have the patience or time for people who whine, rationalize bad behavior, or make up excuses for poor choices. Losing a child has altered my world view a bit and probably has hardened me in some ways and made me more confident in others.
Josh's picture has been on our fridge since a day or two after he died. It's at eye level so every time I go to the fridge I see him. He is still the background picture on my phone. Every time I get a text or email or swipe to unlock my phone I see his little smile. I can't bear to change it. I recently bought a little storage bench so I can move his things from a box in the closet into a more special place. I plan to fix it up and make it worthy of his things. I have yet to make an album of all the pictures from the poster boards at his viewing. Partly due to lack of time and partly because I can't figure out the perfect photo album for them.
The trauma of that day, June 10th, is forever etched in my mind. It is something I will never get over and I frequently think about. I'm learning how to live with the nagging heavy feeling of loss that is always there. I don't think it will ever go away. However I sometimes am able to momentarily "forget" and have some time when I can almost fully enjoy myself. I am able to laugh and have fun but at some point reality returns and that cloud comes back. That is something that is really maddening - that for the rest of my life I don't get to have that sense of complete and utter happiness. That feeling when you are 100% content. I had it before Josh died but I don't think it will ever return and that angers me.
We have been so fortunate to be supported and lifted up by SO MANY this past year. It has been humbling how many have reached out to us and continue to do so. Without the love and support of our family and friends I don't know how we'd survive this. Just recently we received a beautiful stained glass piece that was made to honor Josh. All the families at his daycare chipped in to have it made and they surprised us with it. He was only at daycare for a week and I didn't even meet many of the other parents yet they came together in a beautiful gesture of support for our family. Once we find the perfect spot to hang it I will share a picture of it. It's thoughtful gestures like these that mean the world to us. A random text or card from a friend saying she's thinking of me, my best friend giving me comfy pajama pants and chocolates just because, my coworker giving a consoling hug when I shed a tear, let alone the countless people praying for us every day.
Obviously I'm not posting as often on this blog. I do when the urge strikes and I am probably repeating myself from previous entries but it has helped me process. One day I hope to share this with my living children when they are older.
One year. One year without our sweet baby boy. One year closer to seeing him in heaven. Now time to start tackling year #2.
Mommy loves you Josh.
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Bear Hunt
Well, we made it through Josh's birthday. I knew we would but I wasn't sure how painful it was actually going to be. The funny thing about grief is that you can't choose when it hits you. The week leading up to his birthday was probably worse than the day itself. We actually had a nice day, all things considered. We decided to skip church that morning and go on a family hike instead. The kids enjoyed counting the turtles while we hiked along the river (tally was 10 by the way). We had a picnic lunch and enjoyed the break from the nasty winter weather we'd been having for weeks. I had prayed the entire week leading up to his birthday that I would see a rainbow on his birthday. They say rainbows are signs from heaven that our children are with us. I used to be a skeptic about this until Josh died. He came in a beautiful rainbow during the pasta dinner we had the night before the Team Josh race. I see him in butterflies, lady bugs, and birds. Not all of them but there are some where I get the sense it's him coming for a visit.
Anyway, the kids wanted to get balloons and send them up to heaven. I had lost hope on seeing a rainbow since it was sixty degrees and sunny out. Wouldn't you know that the card Jake made to attach to his balloon had a rainbow in it? Some may say it was a coincidence but I know that was a sign from Josh or God or both letting me know that he is with us on his birthday. We went to visit his grave and sent off the balloons and then went out to dinner to the same restaurant we went to the night before he was born. We are hoping to go there every year on his birthday - kind of our special place to celebrate him.
The other small thing I did in Josh's honor was request friends and family to do a random act of kindness for a stranger. It was heartwarming to hear what people were doing for others that week and to know some good is coming from his death. On his birthday as I was getting the balloons from the grocery store I bought a gift card and then gave it to a lady on my way out as she was walking in. Although I was near tears as I was getting the balloons it felt good to give to her. Getting balloons was also interesting - the cashier and others assumed they were for something fun of course. I didn't have the heart to tell people I was getting them to release at my son's grave site for his birthday. Most of the time I don't mind sharing our story but I knew I would have lost it had I tried that day.
We also decided the week of Josh's birthday to use his Memorial Fund to help a family within our parish and school community who we felt could use a helping hand. I felt it important to honor Josh in that way in time for his birthday. Again, a little good to spread the light he brought to our lives.
We also decided the week of Josh's birthday to use his Memorial Fund to help a family within our parish and school community who we felt could use a helping hand. I felt it important to honor Josh in that way in time for his birthday. Again, a little good to spread the light he brought to our lives.
I've noticed recently that my view of life and the world around me is changing. In some ways I feel a sense of peace in knowing that everything will be okay. I recently watched a segment on CBS news about the father of a student at my boys' school. He has ALS and is living life to the fullest during his time left on earth. (Coincidentally my boys told me he spoke to the students at school yesterday). Despite his prognosis he is happy and has an appreciation for the little things that many can't relate to on the level he is experiencing. Although our situations are completely different I feel this way too. I've started to realize that our time on earth, although meaningful, is temporary and I'd better make the most of it while I'm here. For me that means trying not to sweat the small stuff (which I tend to struggle with), and simply trying to live the best life I can. That doesn't mean trying to accumulate material things, rather focusing on my relationships with others and valuing them in a way I hadn't before. Despite my grief and longing for Josh I would venture to say I'm still happy just as Chris is despite having ALS. I encourage you to watch this short video about Chris Rosati, ALS warrior, to both get a sense of what I'm trying to articulate as well as to get inspired by his story.
So I guess what I've been realizing the past few months is that we all have our challenges, our crosses to bear, our battles to fight. For the ones you have control over, choose them wisely. For those you don't, you just have to get through it. Kind of like the children's story "We're Going on a Bear Hunt". You may not know what lies ahead, it might be a bit scary, but you have no choice but to rise to the challenge and go through it. Kind of like getting through Josh's death, Christmas without him, and his first birthday. Kind of like Chris dealing with ALS. Kind of like those who have lost loved ones, are struggling with addiction or mental illness or cancer or disease, lose their homes, their jobs, their sense of security. We all have our struggles and if we take some time to look around we'll notice that we aren't alone and in a way we are all going on our own bear hunt.
So I guess what I've been realizing the past few months is that we all have our challenges, our crosses to bear, our battles to fight. For the ones you have control over, choose them wisely. For those you don't, you just have to get through it. Kind of like the children's story "We're Going on a Bear Hunt". You may not know what lies ahead, it might be a bit scary, but you have no choice but to rise to the challenge and go through it. Kind of like getting through Josh's death, Christmas without him, and his first birthday. Kind of like Chris dealing with ALS. Kind of like those who have lost loved ones, are struggling with addiction or mental illness or cancer or disease, lose their homes, their jobs, their sense of security. We all have our struggles and if we take some time to look around we'll notice that we aren't alone and in a way we are all going on our own bear hunt.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Happy Birthday in Heaven
It is so hard to believe it's Josh's birthday. One year ago I felt like the luckiest person in the world - I had just given birth to my fourth child to complete our family. Who could ask for more? I had four beautiful children, an amazing husband, a career I love, and wonderful family and friends. We were so blessed. To have that amazing reality stolen from my family and me angers me. But, to dwell on the "it's not fair" aspect of Josh's death really doesn't do me any good. I've mentioned in previous posts that I'm human and I have my moments of self pity and being mad at the hand we were dealt, however I do feel blessed that I did have three months of my perfect family. Josh brought so much joy to our lives in the short time he was here. In many ways I feel that he made me a better person and showed a tender side of my other kids that I hadn't really seen before. They doted on their baby brother and loved him so much. Josh was and is a blessing. He gives me strength to get through hard days, he gives me perspective on life that I never had before, he has shown me how deep love is.
When a parent loses a child it's only natural to look around at other kids the same age and wonder how their own child would be now. I imagine how cute Josh would be at one year old. He would probably be getting ready to walk or perhaps would have taken a few steps already. He probably would light up the room with his squeals and laughter. He would probably crawl around the house after his siblings. He'd be getting into my kitchen cabinets and making messes left and right. He'd be coming to the end of nursing and graduating to real milk in a cup. He'd be babbling and trying to "talk". It's hard not looking at other people's babies who are about the same age as Josh would be and not wistfully think about the "what ifs". I wouldn't say I'm jealous - the rational side of me understands that it wouldn't be right to be jealous of those who do have happy, healthy babies. I would say that in many ways I enjoy seeing babies because I get a little glimpse into how Josh would be. That baby in the shopping cart at the grocery store, a baby on a diaper commercial, online videos posted on facebook of cute baby antics - they all remind me of him and in a way it's comforting.
One year ago we welcomed this little peanut into the world. He was 6lbs, 4oz and was so perfect. Josh was a planned c-section (my first) due to being breech. He came out and was so mellow and so darn cute. He nursed well and was our first baby who didn't get jaundiced. Being the fourth child he was on the go from the beginning - at Jake's baseball practice at two weeks old, picking up his brothers from school, going to scout events, soccer games, etc. Josh was the perfect addition to our family. He still is.
So, on Josh's one year old birthday in heaven I wanted to share some pictures of him with those who follow my blog. I hope they capture his sweet personality and you are able to get a sense of how special he is.
I miss my baby boy so much and would give anything for the chance to hold him again and see his smile. My hope is that he is having the best birthday party up there in heaven with the most awesome smash cake ever. While my heart hurts here on earth missing my baby on his birthday I know he is in a wonderful place. Happy Birthday Josh. We love you so much!
When a parent loses a child it's only natural to look around at other kids the same age and wonder how their own child would be now. I imagine how cute Josh would be at one year old. He would probably be getting ready to walk or perhaps would have taken a few steps already. He probably would light up the room with his squeals and laughter. He would probably crawl around the house after his siblings. He'd be getting into my kitchen cabinets and making messes left and right. He'd be coming to the end of nursing and graduating to real milk in a cup. He'd be babbling and trying to "talk". It's hard not looking at other people's babies who are about the same age as Josh would be and not wistfully think about the "what ifs". I wouldn't say I'm jealous - the rational side of me understands that it wouldn't be right to be jealous of those who do have happy, healthy babies. I would say that in many ways I enjoy seeing babies because I get a little glimpse into how Josh would be. That baby in the shopping cart at the grocery store, a baby on a diaper commercial, online videos posted on facebook of cute baby antics - they all remind me of him and in a way it's comforting.
One year ago we welcomed this little peanut into the world. He was 6lbs, 4oz and was so perfect. Josh was a planned c-section (my first) due to being breech. He came out and was so mellow and so darn cute. He nursed well and was our first baby who didn't get jaundiced. Being the fourth child he was on the go from the beginning - at Jake's baseball practice at two weeks old, picking up his brothers from school, going to scout events, soccer games, etc. Josh was the perfect addition to our family. He still is.
So, on Josh's one year old birthday in heaven I wanted to share some pictures of him with those who follow my blog. I hope they capture his sweet personality and you are able to get a sense of how special he is.
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| Josh's birthday |
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| My loves |
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| Getting to know each other |
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| Leah was so excited to be a big sister |
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| He sure was a cuddler |
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| So snuggly |
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| The changing table was one of his favorite places |
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| Ben loved holding Josh |
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| Being inquisitive |
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| Shy smile |
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| Somehow managed to kick off his sock |
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Josh even hiked the Rocky Mountains
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| We made wonderful memories together in Colorado |
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| Our sweet angel |
I miss my baby boy so much and would give anything for the chance to hold him again and see his smile. My hope is that he is having the best birthday party up there in heaven with the most awesome smash cake ever. While my heart hurts here on earth missing my baby on his birthday I know he is in a wonderful place. Happy Birthday Josh. We love you so much!
Friday, February 14, 2014
But We Did Everything Right
Every new parent hears the term SIDS - from the media, literature, their pediatrician, on baby items advertised to reduce its risk. Yet for most SIDS is this thing that happens to other people. It could never happen to them. And most people don't know of someone who lost a child to SIDS so it's kind of this weird unknown thing that people say happens but it doesn't seem real. Yeah, we hear about it from time to time but that's the extent of it. I was one of those disillusioned parents. We followed all of the expert advice to reduce the risk of SIDS - we didn't smoke, all my kids were breastfed, we didn't have toys or blankets kept in the crib, we always put our babies on their backs to sleep and made sure the room temperature wasn't too hot. We never brought a baby into our bed. And yet it happened to my perfect Josh. After a full medical history review, autopsy, labs and tissue sample testing they could find nothing wrong with him. So, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome was the "cause" of death. In some ways this is good because I don't feel guilt that we missed something but in other ways it is frustrating because I will always wonder what if the circumstances were different that day? What if at that moment in time he wasn't down for a nap and instead I was taking him for a walk? Maybe he would still be here if that were the case. Or was it going to happen anyway? Who really knows.
As the mother of a SIDS baby, I find it extremely annoying that the media seems to confuse people about the diagnosis. I stumbled upon this list from the CJ Foundation for SIDS that seems to help provide some clarity (I edited it slightly):
As the mother of a SIDS baby, I find it extremely annoying that the media seems to confuse people about the diagnosis. I stumbled upon this list from the CJ Foundation for SIDS that seems to help provide some clarity (I edited it slightly):
- SIDS claims the lives of almost 2,500 infants in the US each year - that's nearly 7 babies every day.
- SIDS is not caused by vaccines
- SIDS deaths occur unexpectedly and quickly to apparently healthy infants, usually during periods of sleep.
- SIDS is not caused by suffocation, choking, or smothering.
- SIDS is not caused by child abuse or neglect.
- SIDS is not contagious.
- SIDS occurs in families of all races and socioeconomic levels.
- SIDS cannot be predicted or prevented and can claim any baby, in spite of parents doing everything right.
I think my biggest pet peeve is that many people think suffocation and SIDS are the same thing which couldn't be farther from the truth. Although the death of a child from suffocation is tragic and horrible it is also preventable. SIDS isn't. In fact research is starting to indicate a possible brain stem abnormality in these babies that effects breathing, heart rate, and the ability to awaken. Even Parents magazine can't get their facts right. They did an article a few months ago supposedly to highlight the risks of SIDS however every family profiled in the article had a baby who died as a result of parents not following safe sleep practices. Although information about preventing suffocation and accidents is certainly important, it is also the responsibility of the media not to confuse this with SIDS.
I guess my take home message is that parents do need to do their best to reduce the risk of suffocation as well as other accidents but to also keep in mind that despite doing everything right things can still go wrong. A year ago I would have shrugged this sort of thing off because of course it wouldn't happen to me (because bad things like that only happen to other people!). Boy was I wrong.
Not an hour goes by that I don't think of Josh. It's been 8 months since we lost him but seems like just yesterday. I've been struggling a bit lately - there have been so many reminders that he should be here. He should have been with us while we were watching the Super Bowl. He should have been with us while we had snow days this week and we were all having a snowball fight together. Every single happy family moment is overshadowed by the fact he isn't here. The other night when I discovered a mouse in our closet and we proceeded to have some family excitement trying to find and catch it we were hysterically laughing because it was so funny. After it all calmed down I was hit with such pain and started to cry. A few weeks ago I was folding laundry on a Sunday afternoon and got this strong urge to go to him. Thankfully I could escape for a bit and I went and just sat there and cried for a good hour. I sat there against "our" tree and just allowed myself to miss him. I think back to the day he went to heaven and how horrible it was. I remember every single detail of that day and find my thoughts going back to it despite me trying not to. Last week I attended a support group for those who have also suffered the loss of an infant (due to a variety of reasons, not just SIDS) and found it very helpful to hear other moms' stories and relate to them on a level no one else can truly understand.
Anyway, we continue to move forward but some days are harder than others. And I guess that I should expect it will be like that for quite a long time. Mommy loves you Josh.
I guess my take home message is that parents do need to do their best to reduce the risk of suffocation as well as other accidents but to also keep in mind that despite doing everything right things can still go wrong. A year ago I would have shrugged this sort of thing off because of course it wouldn't happen to me (because bad things like that only happen to other people!). Boy was I wrong.
Not an hour goes by that I don't think of Josh. It's been 8 months since we lost him but seems like just yesterday. I've been struggling a bit lately - there have been so many reminders that he should be here. He should have been with us while we were watching the Super Bowl. He should have been with us while we had snow days this week and we were all having a snowball fight together. Every single happy family moment is overshadowed by the fact he isn't here. The other night when I discovered a mouse in our closet and we proceeded to have some family excitement trying to find and catch it we were hysterically laughing because it was so funny. After it all calmed down I was hit with such pain and started to cry. A few weeks ago I was folding laundry on a Sunday afternoon and got this strong urge to go to him. Thankfully I could escape for a bit and I went and just sat there and cried for a good hour. I sat there against "our" tree and just allowed myself to miss him. I think back to the day he went to heaven and how horrible it was. I remember every single detail of that day and find my thoughts going back to it despite me trying not to. Last week I attended a support group for those who have also suffered the loss of an infant (due to a variety of reasons, not just SIDS) and found it very helpful to hear other moms' stories and relate to them on a level no one else can truly understand.
Anyway, we continue to move forward but some days are harder than others. And I guess that I should expect it will be like that for quite a long time. Mommy loves you Josh.
Friday, January 3, 2014
Happy New Year!
I have never been more excited about the start of a new year than I was a few days ago as we said hello to 2014. What an awful year 2013 was - not only for my family but for so many people I know. So many loved ones passed away in 2013 - parents, siblings, spouses - many dying suddenly and leaving family members grasping for answers. It seemed as if every other week I'd hear about more bad news about tragic deaths that affected people I know - from suicides to freak auto accidents, to sudden deaths from underlying medical problems. Stories of kids dying such as hearing in my SIDS online support group about a family who lost a baby to SIDS and had just lost another child six months earlier. A friend who lost her father and brother within a couple months of each other. It really was a horrible year. I'm not normally superstitious but perhaps there is something to the "13" in 2013. Here's to hoping that 2014 brings happiness, peace, and joy to everyone!
We made it through Christmas. This was another reason I was so looking forward to the new year because it would signify that Christmas was over. Normally I cringe a bit as December approaches. I like Christmas, but to me December signifies 5,378 extra details to keep track of - from planning for and buying gifts for the kids, the husband, and other family members (thank goodness for Amazon Prime), to Christmas cards, baking cookies, teacher gifts, class parties, 3rd grade secret santa gifts, wrapping, cub scout Christmas caroling, 2 school/daycare Christmas programs, a piano recital, getting the tree, decorating, etc. etc. etc. It makes my head spin. On top of that Ben has a birthday in December so we have a party to plan, gifts, cake, class celebration, etc. So, yeah, December usually is fun but it's completely action-packed and stressful! On top of that I had a trip to the ER (3 year old fell and got a mild concussion) on the six month anniversary of Josh's death. It was hard walking back in that ER where I had to relive the worst day of my life, especially six months to the day it happened. And this year I felt like I couldn't fully embrace the season. It was completely not fair that instead of taking fun pictures of Josh "opening" gifts as a 9 month old, we instead visited his grave on the way to Christmas Eve mass. We all struggled a bit in the weeks leading up to Christmas - the kids were a bit more emotional and we had our moments. At the mass the Sunday before Christmas I was a bawling mess; in part from dealing with the feelings of missing my child during this time of year and in part due to the fact that a baby named Joshua was baptized at that mass (I mean, really?? If it didn't hurt the irony would almost be comical). So, the fact that we survived our first Christmas without Josh was to me a huge accomplishment. He was still with us in many ways - I ordered a stocking for him and it hung on the mantle like the rest of our family's. I also bought a special ornament that I felt perfectly reflected him in heaven - it's an infant wrapped in heart-shaped angel wings.
We made it through Christmas. This was another reason I was so looking forward to the new year because it would signify that Christmas was over. Normally I cringe a bit as December approaches. I like Christmas, but to me December signifies 5,378 extra details to keep track of - from planning for and buying gifts for the kids, the husband, and other family members (thank goodness for Amazon Prime), to Christmas cards, baking cookies, teacher gifts, class parties, 3rd grade secret santa gifts, wrapping, cub scout Christmas caroling, 2 school/daycare Christmas programs, a piano recital, getting the tree, decorating, etc. etc. etc. It makes my head spin. On top of that Ben has a birthday in December so we have a party to plan, gifts, cake, class celebration, etc. So, yeah, December usually is fun but it's completely action-packed and stressful! On top of that I had a trip to the ER (3 year old fell and got a mild concussion) on the six month anniversary of Josh's death. It was hard walking back in that ER where I had to relive the worst day of my life, especially six months to the day it happened. And this year I felt like I couldn't fully embrace the season. It was completely not fair that instead of taking fun pictures of Josh "opening" gifts as a 9 month old, we instead visited his grave on the way to Christmas Eve mass. We all struggled a bit in the weeks leading up to Christmas - the kids were a bit more emotional and we had our moments. At the mass the Sunday before Christmas I was a bawling mess; in part from dealing with the feelings of missing my child during this time of year and in part due to the fact that a baby named Joshua was baptized at that mass (I mean, really?? If it didn't hurt the irony would almost be comical). So, the fact that we survived our first Christmas without Josh was to me a huge accomplishment. He was still with us in many ways - I ordered a stocking for him and it hung on the mantle like the rest of our family's. I also bought a special ornament that I felt perfectly reflected him in heaven - it's an infant wrapped in heart-shaped angel wings.
We also finally got Josh's official death certificate and his official cause of death. It was indeed Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Although not unexpected, I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand I'm glad that there was no underlying disease or illness that would make me question if I had missed any signs. However the diagnosis of SIDS to me is still not really an answer. It's a diagnosis of exclusion - basically after the autopsy and all the tests they still have no idea why he died. I am planning to write another post soon about SIDS and what it is and isn't. There is so much confusion about this diagnosis (for example it is NOT suffocation) that I feel it important to set the record straight.
Finally, I have a brief update on "J", the guy who was in that horrible accident. Luckily he will walk again after undergoing several surgeries and rehab. I'm told he is at home now and doing well all things considered. The guy who hit him was charged with a DUI and also had been charged with another DUI the week before the accident. Hopefully he will lose his license for a long, long time and get the help he so obviously needs.
We continue to soldier on as best we can and continue to remain thankful for everyone's support, love, and prayers. Let's all hope and pray for a happy, healthy 2014. My sister Laura has declared it the "Year of All the Good Things" and I hope she is right!
Saturday, December 7, 2013
It All Can Change in an Instant
Normally we go to church on Sunday mornings but today we decided to go to the Saturday evening mass instead. Today was a hectic day - we had Ben's birthday party until the early afternoon and my husband went straight from there to a scouting event. We decided to meet up at church this evening so on Sunday morning I could get out for a few hours and work on some Christmas shopping. After mass I told my husband to take the kids with him and I was going to stop and pick up some barbeque for dinner. As I was driving home (it was dark outside - about 6:45 pm), I noticed cars merging from two lanes to one. I signal to get over and then notice a few cars with their hazard lights on and then noticed one of them was my husband's truck. I pull up behind him and put on my blinkers (still not sure what is going on because I can't see anything) and get out. I see my husband on the phone (he was calling 911) and then notice a man up ahead on the ground next to a car screaming in pain. I knelt down next to him and grabbed his hand and started asking him questions. His legs were mangled and since he was breathing and talking my main goal was to keep him calm and not moving. He was upset and in shock and kept trying to sit up to see his legs but I did my best to keep him talking, lying still and squeezing my hand. I also had to firmly tell his buddies to stop trying to take off his shoes and to not touch him. They were just trying to help since their friend was screaming at them his feet hurt. After a few minutes the police, EMS, and firemen came and took over.
What had happened was a freak series of events. Apparently the guy "J" who got hit (24 years old) was following his brother's car who was following their father's work truck (they were finishing up a contractor job and driving home following one another). The brother's car broke down so J parked his car behind it with his flashers on because the brother's flashers weren't working. J was standing in between the front of his car and the back of his brother's trying to wave traffic over while his father was getting ready to tow the brother's car. A car going full speed (about 45 mph) hit J's car which hit him and he smashed onto the hood/windshield of his car and then got pinned between his car and his brother's. That is when my husband pulled up as the brother and his friend were waving and panicking. J's father was a quick thinker and pulled the brother's car forward with his work truck while my husband and the other two helped lift up the car to un-pin J. That's when I happened to pull up (probably at least 5 minutes after it happened). The driver of the car who hit J didn't approach or do anything. Turns out he was intoxicated - after J was taken away in the ambulance, the officers questioned everyone and did the sobriety test on the driver of the car. Then they arrested him. J's brother, friend, and father were very appreciative of our help and I did take their number so I will hopefully get a status update at some point. J had some very serious injuries and the impact was so hard that I am concerned he has other serious injuries that we can't see.
All during this my husband and I kept checking back on our kids (who were safe in the truck but tired and hungry) and they were patient and enthralled by all the police activity. This whole experience tonight opened my eyes to a few things:
1. Not one person except my husband and I (who were driving separately and were at least 5 minutes apart from each other since I stopped to pick up food) stopped to help. People literally drove by the scene without pulling over. Yes, it was dark but it was obvious EMS weren't there, it was a serious accident, and people needed help. Are we as a society so self-involved or in such a hurry that we can't take a few minutes to make sure everyone is ok? How would they feel if they were the ones laying on the ground pinned between two cars with their legs crushed and no one stopped? It boggles my mind.
2. The drunk driver who caused this tragic accident was *this* close to MY family. He could have just as easily hit my husband and kids since they were within seconds of each other on the road. How dare he be so selfish to risk MY children's lives? I pray that he gets the help he obviously needs. And he probably isn't a bad person but he made a very poor choice that is going to have a negative impact not only on his life but the life of a 24 year old who was simply finishing up a day of hard work.
3. Witnessing this horrible accident is a wake up call that I need to be less distracted on the road. I need to ignore my phone, not get distracted by the kids, and focus my attention better. In a split second lives can be altered. I know that from first hand experience with losing Josh but tonight also served as a reminder to me.
4. Tonight was also an example of how all things seem to happen for a reason. There was a reason why we decided to go to mass tonight instead of our typical Sunday morning. There was a reason we were on the same road at the time of that accident. There was probably a reason that the driver got arrested - perhaps this event will actually save his life from the awful disease of alcoholism. No one really knows for sure but it does make me wonder.
Anyway, please keep J in your prayers that he is able to fully heal from his injuries and has the strength to get him through what challenges are sure to lay ahead for him. Please pray for his father, brother, and friend as what they witnessed happen to their loved one is very traumatic. Please pray for the man who hit J - pray he gets the help he needs as well as for his family as they will also be suffering as a result of this. And let this be a lesson to us all - don't take life for granted because in a split second everything can change. Don't put things off for tomorrow - take charge now by working hard, making the changes you want, and living life to the fullest. And we all need to realize that our choices have consequences, no matter how big or small the choice is. I'm sure that driver didn't intend to hurt anyone tonight but he made a poor choice and now has to live with the consequences for the rest of his life.
What had happened was a freak series of events. Apparently the guy "J" who got hit (24 years old) was following his brother's car who was following their father's work truck (they were finishing up a contractor job and driving home following one another). The brother's car broke down so J parked his car behind it with his flashers on because the brother's flashers weren't working. J was standing in between the front of his car and the back of his brother's trying to wave traffic over while his father was getting ready to tow the brother's car. A car going full speed (about 45 mph) hit J's car which hit him and he smashed onto the hood/windshield of his car and then got pinned between his car and his brother's. That is when my husband pulled up as the brother and his friend were waving and panicking. J's father was a quick thinker and pulled the brother's car forward with his work truck while my husband and the other two helped lift up the car to un-pin J. That's when I happened to pull up (probably at least 5 minutes after it happened). The driver of the car who hit J didn't approach or do anything. Turns out he was intoxicated - after J was taken away in the ambulance, the officers questioned everyone and did the sobriety test on the driver of the car. Then they arrested him. J's brother, friend, and father were very appreciative of our help and I did take their number so I will hopefully get a status update at some point. J had some very serious injuries and the impact was so hard that I am concerned he has other serious injuries that we can't see.
All during this my husband and I kept checking back on our kids (who were safe in the truck but tired and hungry) and they were patient and enthralled by all the police activity. This whole experience tonight opened my eyes to a few things:
1. Not one person except my husband and I (who were driving separately and were at least 5 minutes apart from each other since I stopped to pick up food) stopped to help. People literally drove by the scene without pulling over. Yes, it was dark but it was obvious EMS weren't there, it was a serious accident, and people needed help. Are we as a society so self-involved or in such a hurry that we can't take a few minutes to make sure everyone is ok? How would they feel if they were the ones laying on the ground pinned between two cars with their legs crushed and no one stopped? It boggles my mind.
2. The drunk driver who caused this tragic accident was *this* close to MY family. He could have just as easily hit my husband and kids since they were within seconds of each other on the road. How dare he be so selfish to risk MY children's lives? I pray that he gets the help he obviously needs. And he probably isn't a bad person but he made a very poor choice that is going to have a negative impact not only on his life but the life of a 24 year old who was simply finishing up a day of hard work.
3. Witnessing this horrible accident is a wake up call that I need to be less distracted on the road. I need to ignore my phone, not get distracted by the kids, and focus my attention better. In a split second lives can be altered. I know that from first hand experience with losing Josh but tonight also served as a reminder to me.
4. Tonight was also an example of how all things seem to happen for a reason. There was a reason why we decided to go to mass tonight instead of our typical Sunday morning. There was a reason we were on the same road at the time of that accident. There was probably a reason that the driver got arrested - perhaps this event will actually save his life from the awful disease of alcoholism. No one really knows for sure but it does make me wonder.
Anyway, please keep J in your prayers that he is able to fully heal from his injuries and has the strength to get him through what challenges are sure to lay ahead for him. Please pray for his father, brother, and friend as what they witnessed happen to their loved one is very traumatic. Please pray for the man who hit J - pray he gets the help he needs as well as for his family as they will also be suffering as a result of this. And let this be a lesson to us all - don't take life for granted because in a split second everything can change. Don't put things off for tomorrow - take charge now by working hard, making the changes you want, and living life to the fullest. And we all need to realize that our choices have consequences, no matter how big or small the choice is. I'm sure that driver didn't intend to hurt anyone tonight but he made a poor choice and now has to live with the consequences for the rest of his life.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Giving Thanks
Despite what has happened to our family this past year, I am thankful for so many blessings. I thought I'd share a few here.
Reasons to be thankful (in no particular order):
1. I was blessed to have three amazing and healthy months with Josh. So many parents never get that opportunity with their child.
2. For Josh's daycare provider. While I wouldn't wish what she experienced (finding Josh and performing CPR) on anyone, I believe there was a reason for it. God knew having Josh pass away in our home or having us be the ones to find him unresponsive would only add to our pain. Our daycare provider had the strength to handle it and I'm forever grateful for her efforts to save Josh's life.
3. My amazing family and friends. The love and support my family and I've received continues to lift me up and get me through each day.
4. My marriage. I'm so incredibly fortunate to have a strong marriage with my best friend. I would be lost without him.
5. That our HVAC unit kicked the bucket on July 4th, 2012. That was the wake up call we needed to start paying closer attention to our finances (and begin following principles from financial guru Dave Ramsey). By doing so, we were able to pay for Josh's funeral without financing.
6. For our faith. Having faith that Josh is in heaven and that his death had meaning that is greater than what we can fathom here on earth. Knowing that I will see him again and I just have to be patient gives me comfort.
7. For our wonderful church and school community. They have fed us, prayed for us, listened to us, and have held us close these past several months.
8. For running. Running has allowed me to remain healthy, to process my thoughts and feelings, and relieve stress. It has kept me sane.
9. For my awesome career. I absolutely love being a psychiatric nurse and working with the severely mentally ill (especially schizophrenia patients). They humble me, touch my heart, and give me perspective. They have taught me to be more compassionate and the importance of treating all people with dignity and respect.
10. For my coworkers who work so hard in the face of so many barriers to help people who have countless needs. For their determination and selflessness in dealing with very challenging situations.
11. For Jake. His caring nature, sense of humor, musical talent and ability to argue. He has taught me how to be a better mother, taught me to pick my battles, and how to communicate more effectively. I am so lucky to have him as my son.
12. For Ben. His zest for life, enthusiasm, determination, creative mind, and ability to never run out of energy or things to talk about. He has shown me how to look at the world around me in a more appreciative way.I am so lucky to have him as my son.
13. For Leah. Her ability to stand up for herself, provide comic relief, be sensitive yet strong, and her affectionate nature. She has made us all more tender hearted. I am so lucky to have her as my daughter.
14. For Josh. His sweet demeanor, infectious and sideways smile, and cuddly nature will stay with me forever. I am so lucky to have him as my son.
15. For moving to North Carolina 6.5 years ago. We love the community we are in and are fortunate to raise our family here.
16. For friends who aren't phased by my tears, my lack of spark, and go out of their way to give me a hug or let me know they are thinking of me.
17. For the prayers of friends, family, acquaintances and even strangers. This journey has shown me that the power of prayer is very real. I truly believe without everyone's prayers we would not be doing as well as we are.
18. For the CJ Foundation for SIDS and its efforts to raise funds and awareness for research on SIDS to help prevent it from happening to more children.
19. For the generosity of family, friends, and strangers. Through their generosity we have raised over $4,000 for the Joshua Smedley Memorial Fund in our church as well as $6,575 for SIDS research. We are looking forward to using the memorial fund for a family in need in our church and are happy to further SIDS research and awareness.
20. For my parents and sister for everything they have done for me not only recently but over the years.
21. For my in-laws, sister-in-law and ALL family, extended family, and friends. I am so lucky to have so much love in my life.
22. For the Steelers. No explanation needed. :)
This list is by no means all-inclusive as there is so much more to be thankful for. I consider myself very lucky in so many ways. No matter what challenges I've been faced with or what challenges lay ahead, I continue to have so many blessings in my life and for that I am thankful. Happy Thanksgiving!
Reasons to be thankful (in no particular order):
1. I was blessed to have three amazing and healthy months with Josh. So many parents never get that opportunity with their child.
2. For Josh's daycare provider. While I wouldn't wish what she experienced (finding Josh and performing CPR) on anyone, I believe there was a reason for it. God knew having Josh pass away in our home or having us be the ones to find him unresponsive would only add to our pain. Our daycare provider had the strength to handle it and I'm forever grateful for her efforts to save Josh's life.
3. My amazing family and friends. The love and support my family and I've received continues to lift me up and get me through each day.
4. My marriage. I'm so incredibly fortunate to have a strong marriage with my best friend. I would be lost without him.
5. That our HVAC unit kicked the bucket on July 4th, 2012. That was the wake up call we needed to start paying closer attention to our finances (and begin following principles from financial guru Dave Ramsey). By doing so, we were able to pay for Josh's funeral without financing.
6. For our faith. Having faith that Josh is in heaven and that his death had meaning that is greater than what we can fathom here on earth. Knowing that I will see him again and I just have to be patient gives me comfort.
7. For our wonderful church and school community. They have fed us, prayed for us, listened to us, and have held us close these past several months.
8. For running. Running has allowed me to remain healthy, to process my thoughts and feelings, and relieve stress. It has kept me sane.
9. For my awesome career. I absolutely love being a psychiatric nurse and working with the severely mentally ill (especially schizophrenia patients). They humble me, touch my heart, and give me perspective. They have taught me to be more compassionate and the importance of treating all people with dignity and respect.
10. For my coworkers who work so hard in the face of so many barriers to help people who have countless needs. For their determination and selflessness in dealing with very challenging situations.
11. For Jake. His caring nature, sense of humor, musical talent and ability to argue. He has taught me how to be a better mother, taught me to pick my battles, and how to communicate more effectively. I am so lucky to have him as my son.
12. For Ben. His zest for life, enthusiasm, determination, creative mind, and ability to never run out of energy or things to talk about. He has shown me how to look at the world around me in a more appreciative way.I am so lucky to have him as my son.
13. For Leah. Her ability to stand up for herself, provide comic relief, be sensitive yet strong, and her affectionate nature. She has made us all more tender hearted. I am so lucky to have her as my daughter.
14. For Josh. His sweet demeanor, infectious and sideways smile, and cuddly nature will stay with me forever. I am so lucky to have him as my son.
15. For moving to North Carolina 6.5 years ago. We love the community we are in and are fortunate to raise our family here.
16. For friends who aren't phased by my tears, my lack of spark, and go out of their way to give me a hug or let me know they are thinking of me.
17. For the prayers of friends, family, acquaintances and even strangers. This journey has shown me that the power of prayer is very real. I truly believe without everyone's prayers we would not be doing as well as we are.
18. For the CJ Foundation for SIDS and its efforts to raise funds and awareness for research on SIDS to help prevent it from happening to more children.
19. For the generosity of family, friends, and strangers. Through their generosity we have raised over $4,000 for the Joshua Smedley Memorial Fund in our church as well as $6,575 for SIDS research. We are looking forward to using the memorial fund for a family in need in our church and are happy to further SIDS research and awareness.
20. For my parents and sister for everything they have done for me not only recently but over the years.
21. For my in-laws, sister-in-law and ALL family, extended family, and friends. I am so lucky to have so much love in my life.
22. For the Steelers. No explanation needed. :)
This list is by no means all-inclusive as there is so much more to be thankful for. I consider myself very lucky in so many ways. No matter what challenges I've been faced with or what challenges lay ahead, I continue to have so many blessings in my life and for that I am thankful. Happy Thanksgiving!
Monday, November 18, 2013
Forever Footprint
I had always wanted a tattoo but I never had that special significant thing that I felt I could have on my body for the rest of my life. Sure there were things that would be nice to get - a flower, maybe something about running or something symbolizing my family. However, I'd never seriously considered getting a tattoo until Josh died. Two days later I knew what I wanted to get - his footprint. It wasn't a matter of if I was going to get it but when. So then I had some decisions to make - mainly where I would get it. Ultimately I decided to get it on my shoulder blade. My foot/ankle was also a contender because I liked the idea of Josh "walking" with me for the rest of my life. However the practical side of me didn't necessarily want it to be visible 100% of the time. So I decided having it on my shoulder would work and I like to think of it as him "pushing" me along and supporting me. My next decision was designing the font for his name, which I really wanted to include. After scouring the internet but not finding anything satisfactory, my sister suggested I use my handwriting. I loved that idea and how personal it is, so that's what I did and to me, it came out perfect:
Saturday, October 26, 2013
The Story of Team Josh
When I originally thought about having a "Team Josh" I had envisioned myself and perhaps a couple girlfriends running a race together. Never could I have imagined having over 85 people sign up to run as part of Team Josh in Durham's Bull City Race Fest. Word spread like wildfire (facebook DOES have its redeeming qualities) and friends, coworkers, family, and even friends of friends joined our team. People I have never even met were emailing me asking how they could sign up. Two of my son's teachers signed up. Someone I never met but also had been through the loss of a child signed up. Friends signed up with their kids for the fun run. A friend decided to use the race as an opportunity to run and bond with her daughter. Friends who are not runners signed up and started training. People were also spreading the word about raising funds on Josh's memorial page for the CJ Foundation for SIDS. I had friends tell me they were amazed at how far-reaching Josh's story was going. One friend had a donation from a former teacher she hadn't seen in over 20 years! I also discovered a few months ago that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month so it was especially fitting that we had this run in October. I'm a true believer that all things hthis appen for a reason and this was no exception.
The generosity of people continues to amaze me. With over 100 t-shirts to order (some for out of town family) I needed to get some help with the cost. When I approached him and without hesitation, my friend Tim, owner of Blu Seafood and Bar, agreed to help cover the cost of the shirts as our team sponsor. In addition, another friend approached and offered for her law firm to donate towards the shirts. What a blessing to have official sponsors for our team! When coming up for a design for the shirt I knew I wanted to keep it simple. Thank goodness for the internet so I could play around and create a design - something I had certainly never done before! I was torn about what to put on the shirt - I thought about Josh's picture but decided against it. I definitely wanted to include something that reflected that he was a baby. I found footprint images online and thought they would be perfect for the front. On the back I wanted to put the reason for the team; mainly because during a race you look at people's backs the whole time (unless of course you are winning!). I decided to include the dates of Josh's birth and death - it was important to me for people to know that he was a baby when he passed away. Here is the final result:
I have been so busy the past few months, both at work and at home. In the back of my mind I had thought about trying to organize some sort of dinner the night before the race but just couldn't get myself together to plan ahead. About 10 days before the race I had a few people ask me if we were going to do anything the night before. Again, with the help of a wonderful friend we quickly were able to reserve the clubhouse in her old neighborhood a week before the race. I created an e-sign up for a pasta pot luck, emailed the team and the result was a delicious and fun dinner with about half of our team! When I saw a few kids coming in with their Team Josh shirts on I was so touched. Here were all these people taking time to support me and my family. The dinner was a nice way for people to meet each other and have an excuse to eat yummy food before the race. What made our evening so very special was when a beautiful rainbow appeared in the sky right over us. There had been no storm or downpour - just a little drizzle and a setting sun. I know that rainbow was Josh saying hello from heaven. Seeing it brought me and many others to tears. It was like he was right there with us and knew we needed a tangible sign.
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| Sweet Josh |
We were blessed with gorgeous weather on race day. Our team met early for our Team Josh picture, kindly taken by my brother-in-law. Unfortunately we were missing about 10 people in the picture due to traffic and the chaos of parking and people. When I look at this picture, it warms my heart. What a wonderful show of unity, support, and friendship!
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| Team Josh |
There were some touching moments on race day. What I LOVE about running is that it is for anyone and everyone. All ages, shapes, sizes, and speeds can do it. Half of running is not about physical fitness but mental stamina. There is a special quality about running that is hard to put into words. Especially races like this one when there are close to 6,000 runners. It is truly inspirational. One highlight of the day was when a friend of mine (who is relatively new to running) who was signed up for the 5 mile race decided to push herself a little further to see how far she could go. Wouldn't you know it she did the entire 13.1 half marathon and proudly proclaimed that she didn't walk one step! What an accomplishment! I am in awe of her courage and strength as most would not be able to do that! She said that she was thinking of Josh the whole way and actually chatted with another woman about Josh's story and that inspired that lady to keep going when she wanted to give up.
Another highlight was that at the 5 mile point where the five mile racers finished and the half marathoners continued on (looking longingly at all of those who were done!), my friend from college was cheering me on from the sideline. She had completed her five mile race. She saw me running alone since I had separated from a few other friends at that point and started running with me to keep me company. Wouldn't you know that she ran the rest of the race with me! It was such a blessing to have her by my side helping me stay motivated, especially over the 5,873 hills! As I came up to the finish line I did get a little emotional. Everyone was cheering and I had such an overwhelming feeling of joy, sadness, love, and hope all at once. After the race I had so many people come up to me - people waited around for me to finish (probably wishing I was a much faster runner!!) so they could give me a hug. I was also told that many other runners were asking Team Josh runners about our team and were inspired by it. We had so many bystanders cheering for us too as we all ran.
Although this wasn't related to Team Josh, I was also moved when the last runner was coming in the final stretch towards the finish line. About 8 motorcycle police officers were driving behind her and were making their sirens turn off and on. Everyone looked over and hundreds of people started cheering. Here was this woman who was the last one to cross the finish line when most runners had already gone home. And she was just as important as the winner of the race. She didn't give up and she did it. What guts she had to finish that race. I don't know her but I sure am proud of her.
The day was completely amazing and a week later I still hear people talking about it or asking about it. Here are the stats:
85 Registered Runners
136 Donations to date
totaling
$6,575.00
Just a wonderful example of when there is a will, there is a way. With the love, support, and help from everyone we were able to pull this off and have a wonderful day honoring my sweet boy. Thank you to everyone for your kindness and for helping raise money to help prevent this from happening to another family.
Here are a few more pictures from the big day. Unfortunately I can't adequately post and capture every single picture I have but hopefully these give an idea of the spirit of the day:
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| Ben proudly showing off his medal. |
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| So close to the finish line! |
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| My awesome University of Delaware track roommates!! |
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| Cooling down with my friend Danielle. |
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| My training partners Elaine and Amy |
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| Jenn and Emily - two more amazingly supportive friends! |
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| Ben is still holding onto that medal. :) |
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| Laura, the best sister in the world! |
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| We will ALWAYS be Team Josh |
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